Hello…Google??? Anybody out there?

So let me lay out the situation for you…..

Middle-aged woman, far too old to be described as naive so we will have to call her woefully underinformed, gets bored on a Saturday morning and decides to start a blog because she’s been meaning to do that for a long, long time.

She googles. “Starting a Blog” and lo and beyond it is not that difficult.  Who knew?  Not MAUW, that is for sure.  “Should have done this a long time ago”, giggles middle-aged underinformed woman who at this point is still quite pleased with herself and not at all aware that it is NOT THAT EASY.

The MAUW writes her first post and it is not that funny, frankly, but hey, it’s the first one and The Funny will follow.  Most likely The Funny will follow a bottle of Kendall Jackson.  But where were we….so the MAUW has posted her first not that funny post and she is pleased.  She reads it fifty times to see if there are any spelling errors and to check for previously undetected funnies.  Nope, still not that funny but spelling is accurate.  Okay, ready????  Here we go…..and…. POST.  OMG OMG OMG I’m a BLOGGER!!!

The first thing MAUW does is email her long-time buddy and co-conspiritor, Green Girl, who could easily be the world’s most awesome blogger, more amusing than even Miss Doxie who I’m sure all will agree is currently possibly the world’s funniest blogger, but GG has a thing about privacy.  You gotta be a personal friend of GG to be the recipient of her heady prose.  Sorry world.  GG will not be gathering cookies on her PC for the sake of your amusement.  But I digress.  MAUW emailed GG and I said, “hey I wrote a blog, will you be my first follower?”  MAUW still waiting but GG has important things going on in her world that take precedence.  And MAUW can’t tell you what because, hello, PRIVACY issue.

So GG aside, no one in the www knows about her blog.  But, thinks MAUW, that is just a matter of time because now that she is a blogger anyone typing “New England” into the search box will be alerted to her site and will read it and be happy and start following her, right??  And wasn’t MAUW so smart to think of using a title that probably a lot of people search for?  Particularly during foliage season?  MAUW thinks she is so clever but she is not so clever because when she leaves her blog and then tries to find it on Google it does…..not……WAIT!  IS THAT IT…….no….it isn’t here….oh no why isn’t it there???

Okay, a little set back.  Apparently it is NOT a matter of setting up a little blog, having a commonly searched title, writing a post, and waiting for the World to write back.  Apparently MAUW has to prove her worth or something in order for people to be able to access her site.  Apparently right now MAUW’s blog is like a secret little club on a side street in Chicago that displays no signage and requires a secret knock to access.  Okay that is a little creepy, who wants to enter an unmarked door and traverse a rickety old staircase into a dampened cellar where God knows what all goes on…it could be like that Tom Cruise/Nicole Kidman movie only in a dampened cellar and not a secluded mansion.  Sorry.  Where were we?  Mansion, movie, cellar, stairs, unmarked door, secret knock, that’s right we are trying to figure out how to get MAUW some readers..

Google worked once so let’s try again.  MAUW goes back to Google and she types in, “How do I get my blog to show on Google”.  She is not the first person to have asked that question.  Apparently the underinformed are legion.  There are roughly 3.653 million sites dealing with this very issue. That is encouraging.  MAUW chooses the first suggestion beause it’s first so it must be the best, right? She settles in and starts reading.  If you have a blog, Google sends little robots to your site and they check it to see if it is worth their attention.  If you have no readers and you are not linked to any other blogs then you are not very important.  This is SO JUNIOR HIGH like when MAUW’s peers were all wearing straight leg jeans from Barefoot Trader and MAUW only had bell bottoms from K-mart and no one would talk to her.  Digressing…  So what MAUW needs is some readers.  (By the way have I said thanks for being here?  No?  Thanks) First step, tell all  friends to go read blog.  Second step, get other bloggers to link to your blog but  Do NOT go to other people’s blogs and ask them to link to your blog.  That is not considered very polite in blogworld.  That is what the blogger expert man said.  Do NOT do that.  But then he said it is okay to go on SOME blogs and do that if you are polite.  People go to the expert man’s blog all the time and make this request.  But he does not link to their blogs.  Because he is Big Blogger Guy and he does not have time to coddle and nurture the Underinformed.  Say what?  Do not do this, but you can do it sometimes, just be polite, in fact you can do it on my blog but I will not respond because am very busy BBG. 

Glad we cleared that up.  MAUW is all set now.  She needs some readers (again, thanks) and she needs links.  Then and only then will the Google robots grace her site and pronounce it worthy, whereupon the masses hoping to book a bed and breakfast in Vermont or New Hampshire or Maine will trip over it and read it and be wildly (mildly?) amused and tell their friends and MAUW’s power will grow and grow and that little unmarked door will be the Atlantis in Dubai of the WWW.  That’s Right!  MAUW has plans, BBG, so watch your back. And if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, could you just maybe be nice and give a tiny little link to a woman old enough to be your mother?  I’ll be your best friend….

  3 comments for “Hello…Google??? Anybody out there?

  1. Anonymous
    November 22, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    May your awesomeness shineth forth to illuminate the Google masses! -GG


  2. November 22, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    ha – thanks GG


  3. Celeste
    November 23, 2009 at 1:39 am

    Great blog…I promise to be one of your faithfull “bleaders” (blog readers).


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