I can’t sleep, World…
Do you have trouble sleeping? What do you do when a dream suddenly wakes you up, or a snoring spouse, or a restless, congested three-year-old, or God forbid, a strange noise?
Strange noises are definitely the worst, so if that’s what woke you up you are probably a lot more concerned with strange noise than moi, and who could blame you? Go investigate the noise. Probably just a loose shutter and not a guy with a schimitar standing in your kitchen looking for directions. We’ll wait here. What is a schimitar, by the way?
But let’s say it is not that, not anything alarming, you are just awake and you can’t sleep. What do you do?
I immediately start running through the day. All the stuff that needs to be done. Not surprisingly, this usually agitates me, or as we like to say in Rhode Island, “gives me agita”. Running through your schedule (I like to pronounce it in the Scottish way whenever possible….say it with me….”shedule”. Ha, I love saying that. I especially love listening to Madonna say it) Oops, digression police on their way. So anyway….running through the shedule (snicker), BAD idea. And I usually realize this about the time I get down my list to making the day’s lunches. In my mind, I make lunches for everybody in the house and save us bundles of money and make us all more healthy; in reality, I make one lunch and that is because it is not very PC to send your toddler to daycare without food, so really making the lunches shouldn’t be such a bad thought but it is entirely overwhelming and I realize that thinking about all the stuff I have to do is not going to help me sleep. So I move on….
Next comes dreams. I try to remember what I was dreaming about. Really? That…..? Whereupon I become tangled in a very messy analytical web and usually start worrying that perhaps I need therapy. Dreams, at least mine, are probably best off in the unconscious. Let’s not bring them to the forefront.
So at this point, I’m staring at the clock saying, “If I fall asleep RIGHT now, I can still get 3 hours sleep”. This exercise is repeated about every five minutes for another half hour. Next?
Counting Sheep? Does that really work for anyone? You could try counting something more interesting, I suppose. Water Buffalo? Leprechauns?
It is time to bring out the heavy guns. I try not to do this often, because then it would become another ritual that would keep me awake rather than soothe me back to sleep. It’s a delicious little fantasy but a little bit goes a long way. When I can’t sleep I……I’m not sure I can tell you. It’s a bit embarrassing.
What? You really want to know? Okay. When I can’t sleep I……pretend I’m a rockstar. That’s right. It’s my favorite bedtime story. Chicken as Rockstar. And there is a method to this type of fantasizing…it’s not all, oooh I’m a rockstar and I only drink water from the Swiss alps…no, this is serious. I have to decide what KIND of rockstar I am. Am I a girl or a boy rockstar? Am I a megastar like Bruce Springsteen or am I more of a quiet person, like, oh, Yusef (singer formerly known as Cat Stevens). I am never Prince, however. Ever. Why? Because I love my fans. I do not think they are sniveling, grasping worms intent on draining my genius. I’m here for my fans. Anyway….
OMG, Now the fun part…What am I wearing? Do I want to wear all flowy, chiffony stuff tonight like Stevie Nicks, or do I want to keep it simple. This is my favorite onstage costume: Jeans, t-shirt, barefeet, lots of hippy jewelry, and a guitar (although sometimes I grab a violin because I saw this woman at a Josh Groban concert playing one and she was amazing and I was all like, mannn, I’m so going to be her in my next rockstar fantasy). Oh, and my hair is long and thick and wavy. And it is NOT extensions, people. Geesh, don’t let that get out in the tabloids. I know you are probably dying to know what I am going to sing, right? Okay, well, it has to go with the rest of the theme. I mean, you can’t get up on stage looking like Gene Simmons and then sing “Peace Train”, right? So tonight, I’m going with the standard favorite, bare feet, jeans, tresses, and rocking the t-shirt (not because I had enhancements, God no, that’s the way he made me) and I will sing “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley. Just to get people in the right mood. And then everyone in the audience will be swaying and clicking their bic lighters, and, OH, suddenly we are on an outdoor stage and there’s a sea of faces in the night, and we’ve been here for like THREE DAYS, MON. I love EVERYBODY!!! Do you hear me out there? EVERYBODY. WE. ARE. MAKING. HISTORY. And yet…we are stardust…
Wow, far OUT. Obviously I’ve gone back to sleep and am having a VERY pleasant dream, so ssshhhhh.
Hope you have pleasant dreams, too. And if you are interested, here’s a funny little site I came across in the gloom….http://www.hippy.com/