Let’s Have More Wine

Hiya World,

I admit I’ve had a few glasses of wine tonight. If you are lucky, I will publish this before I go to bed and you will get all the good uncensored stuff which, no doubt, Chicken will be embarrassed by come morning. Otherwise, you will probably read the edited version, which is still pure Chicken, but farm-raised vs free range. Somehow things always look different in the bright light of day and not nearly so funny.

Since the body was willing but the brain was empty, I spent a large part of the afternoon searching for blogging inspiration. I read once that if you are a little lacking for inspiration a good thing to do is read/watch/research in a variety of areas. This is, apparently, the equivalent of giving your right brain five Dunkachinos and a dozen chocolate glazed munchkins-it gets your creative juices flowing like Niagra. Or not. But it can’t hurt.

I gave it a shot and it was inspiring. I learned a lot. The result is not a very cohesive post, however. Not yet anyway. I swear I’ll tie it all together in the end. Ready? Climb aboard….

So first off, I checked out some twitter. And guess what World? Prince is now on Twitter. If you’ve read my previous blogs you know I’m not a big fan of Prince. It all goes back to those kids playing Purple Rain over and over again outside my window after a double bartending shift twenty something years ago. Now…if it really was Prince then I had to follow it, right? How could I not? Hypocrite, heal thyself. Also, His tweet said that he would follow the first ten people that became followers, and well, I’m competitive ok? And probably it’s not really Prince. He doesn’t seem like the social type. Ashton Kutcher? Yeah, totally. But Prince? I’m sure if it is him, his agent made him do it. Anyway, I started following him. And then, in true Chicken style, I started worrying. What if I’m one of the first 10? What if he starts following me? What if he finds my blog? And if he finds my blog he will read how I am never ever Prince in my Rockstar fantasies. For all those unflattering reasons I listed. And then what if he sends out assasins? Because, let’s face it, guy is weird. Can he find Chicken? Prince if you are reading, I would just like to say I was in a bar last summer and they were playing one of your videos and I thought to myself, “you know, he really is a verra good dancer”, so my opinions are not all bad. I just think, you know, maybe you could take yourself a little less seriously. Please don’t kill me.

Next I checked in on John Rosemond for a little child-rearing advice. This would be due to my recent chocolate bribing tactics which are beginning to cause a bit of parenting guilt. Chocolate bribing is addictive. You start with a few m&ms just to get the kid on the potty and before you know it you are throwing hershey bars at him just to buy yourself a little peace and quiet. Anyway, one of John’s recent articles states that 98% of children under the age of 10 meet the requirements for designation as a sociopath. I thought about it. The devious way my toddler slips quietly out of the room only to be discovered rummaging through a drawer of sharp knives…the way he laughs as he does exactly the opposite of whatever I just told him to do…the way he drives me insane changing his mind over and over again when given two choices, neither of which he likes…oh yeah, that’s my boy. Totally part of the majority. No wonder I have a chocolate bribing problem. And drink.

On to CMT music videos. What I discovered here is that Reba McIntyre and Sawyer Brown do not age. What’s up with that? I’m thinking Vampire. And Tim McGraw is still hot. Shouldn’t he have a beer belly by now? Less hair? Guest appearances on True Blood for all. Something’s fishy in Nashville.

I was getting a little hungry with all this research so I went into the kitchen to see what I could rummage up. I’m behind on the shopping so there was not much to be had, but I found some bacon, some already baked potatoes from earlier in the week, and some eggs. I started to fry it all up and suddenly, like in a fairy tale, there were two men standing by my side. Husband and teenager. Forget internet dating, forget breast enhancements. If you are looking for a man, open all your windows and fry some bacon.

Finally, I looked in one of my old favorite books, “Writing Down The Bones” and in one chapter she advises “Be an Animal”.

Really? Okay, whatever, I’ve had just enough wine that this sounds like a rockin’ idea. I pretend I am a Chicken (what else?). I am in the the barnyard. I step forward on my funny jerky legs with no knees and I throw out a tentative cluck or two. With my beady black eyes, I spy corn, which I recently learned is not a vegetable but a grain, and I boycott the corn because I am on the Atkins diet. I ask the little girl throwing the corn to please forget the corn and get me some protein like maybe some bacon, or roast beef or a hard-boiled egg…ahhhhhh….EGG murderer…CANNIBAL….what have I become????

Okay, that was fun. Let’s see if I can tie it all together now.

Once upon a time, there was a little chicken looking for some inspiration, so she went to Nashville toting her tiny guitar over her shoulder (which annoyingly kept slipping because chickens don’t have shoulders)and relying on the kindness of strangers to guide her, and ‘lo she was discovered and all the biggest country stars wanted a piece of the chicken. At first it was all good-they laughed, they danced, they drank wine and ate truffles. Chicken laid golden eggs every day and served peanut butter and fried banana sandwiches every night. And time stood still. But Chicken got homesick and and wanted to return to her barnyard and to the little girl who fed her the corn. The Stars bribed her with chocolate and witty lyrics and she almost became addicted, but still she insisted on returning to Somewhere in New England. So desperate were Nashville’s finest to keep their favorite muse, they decided to perform a special ceremony to keep Chicken under their control. The ceremony was attended by Nashville’s elite, 10 vampires, 20 chocolate-addicted toddlers, Elvis, and John Rosemond. It involved a live sacrifice. Chicken was the guest of honor. Prince presided. He performed a special ritual dance which was really quite nice, but nobody could see it because he made everybody turn around while he danced to prevent all their eyes from zapping his youth and genius.

Then Chicken woke up. It was 3 am. She couldn’t sleep. So she pretended she was Tim McGraw singing “Cowboy in Me” to thousands of adoring fans. She went back to sleep. And when she awoke Prince was gone. The vampires, toddlers, John Rosemond and CMT stars were gone, too. Elvis had left the building, but will never be gone, not if you really believe.

The men were not gone. They were still there and wanting to know what’s for breakfast. Dunkachinos and Munchkins for all.

Goodnight World. Sweet dreams and hope inspiration strikes you in whatever you are attempting today.

Take care,

  10 comments for “Let’s Have More Wine

  1. Anonymous
    February 7, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    Yes! I love this “stream of consciousness” blog posting. FYI, I find Rosemond a bit santimonious–as well as a bit out of touch with the real issues of parenting today. (I surmise that his youngest child is probably drawing social security–so that might have something to do with his antiquated child-rearing philosophies.) Keep 'em coming Chick!



  2. February 7, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    My secret theory is that he loves children and eats them all the time. Okay, I totally stole that off a t-shirt I saw. Thanks for reading CB.


  3. Anonymous
    February 7, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    Writing down the bones is a book I had to read in college (hated it) and one I now go back to when writing my own bookand need to get grounded (or inspired)…I like that its one of your favs…

    Forget about Tim McGraw…focus only on Faith Hill…I do…:-)

    If bacon is not available for wafting purposes, a reasonable man-enticing substitute is breakfast sausage – patties or links it doesn't matter…



  4. Anonymous
    February 7, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    Tim McGraw is balding…but he's still a hottie.


  5. February 8, 2010 at 12:51 am

    Faith Hill is also completely still hot and possibly also a vampire. I'm sure JL wouldn't mind getting bitten by her though. Forever Young. What happened Rod? Did you miss the bus?


  6. February 8, 2010 at 3:31 am

    ok, so who needs Rosemond anymore…the kids are grown, no grandkids in sight; only more wine. Yippee!


  7. February 8, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Lucky lucky Buttercup:-) Thanks for reading!


  8. Anonymous
    February 8, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    Good news, chook. You can totally remove corn from the Verboten list. It is neither a veg nor a grain. It is actually…wait for it…a GRASS. That's right. A grass on steroids, yes, but a grass it is.
    Don't even know HOW I know that, but – wow! I love it when of the formerly useless bits of information rattling around in my head finally has a chance to break free from the pack and have it's moment in the sun. C'mon, everybody, let's get our Gloria Estefan on and sing a chorus of “Coming out of the Dark” for the little factoid that could.
    I should totally go on Jeopardy, except that I can't do mental math, always forget to phrase the answer in the form of a question, and think Alex Trebec is a pompous arse. And possibly a vampire.


  9. February 8, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    But I only have one stomach and I think you need, what, five? To digest grass? Thanks for the information, though. Good Factoid sleuthing on your part. Alex Trebec and John Rosemond may be related. What would be assholes for 100, Alex?


  10. July 26, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Can't comment on Rosemond but I find that the techniques I was taught to train my dogs works pretty well on the nephews and neighborhood kids that hang out at my place. P.S. I love kids – they taste like chicken!

    And in honor of the little factoid that could, “it's a little known fact”, as Cliff Claven used to say, that chickens are cannibals. Now, my mom's neighbors' chickens will eat the egg shells of that morning's omelette as well as cooked chicken, but there are plenty of stories about chickens loving the taste of blood and if one of them is injured, well, that's the end of that chicken, and a meal for the rest of the flock! But I'm sure you have nothing to worry about since they wouldn't dare mess with you!


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