Good morning, World:
You know the commercial about college scholarships? The one where the guy is sitting on the couch watching a commercial about how all parents think their kid is going to get a 4 year scholarship, and the guy looks over at his own kid who is, at that moment, twirling around in his striped footy pajamas with a box on his head? I’m pretty sure I saw that commercial too many times when I was pregnant and that I laughed just a little too hard. That’s all I’m going to say.
In many families, maybe yours, there’s a secret language-a code. For your entertainment, or maybe for mine, I’ve translated a few of the phrases most often repeated in our house.
MAX AND RUBY IS ON, MAX AND RUBY IS ON!!!!!!
Translation: Everyone in the house is about to be treated to 20 minutes of relative quiet and a marked decrease in head butting incidences.
LETS GO SEE IF MAX AND RUBY IS ON!!!
Translation: I’m overwhelmed, my ears are ringing due to your incessant chatter, and I need a break or a drink, preferably both.
I’VE GOT BOOGY NOSE!
Translation: A little help here?
MOM, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.
Translation: I need money and/or a ride somewhere. (Never ever does it mean, “what do you think of this outfit”, or “do you like my boyfriend?” It does, however, elicit the Pavlovian response of rolling eyes and clenching stomach muscles)
OH, I MEANT TO DO THOSE BEFORE YOU GOT HOME.
Translation: Yes, I did notice the full sink of dishes and the cluttered sideboard and I had no intention of touching them but saying that I did makes me and hopefully you, but primarily me, feel better.
IT’S OKAY, I’VE GOT IT.
Translation: It’s not ok you lazy sod! What am I, your fecking maid?
HAVE YOU SEEN MY _________ (fill in the blank)
Translation: Could you stop what you are doing and go find my __________
I GOT A CALL FROM YOUR SCHOOL TODAY.
Translation: You are in soooo much trouble you don’t even know.
LET’S FIND YOU A PROJECT!!
Translation: I need to detach you from my leg immediately before I go insane.
I TOLD YOU THAT (followed by long detailed story that ends in “remember?”).
Translation: I forgot to tell you but I’m pretty sure I can convince you I didn’t.
So the next time you stop by the house for a glass of wine, a bowl of chips, and some sparkling conversation, and someone yells from the other room, “I’ve got boogy nose” in a deep bass voice, you’ll know there are no real boogers involved, just someone needing a little help. And since this phrase is interchangeable with the phrase, “Have you seen my _________”, I will respond with “Where do you remember seeing it last?”, which translates to “I just sat my butt down in this chair with a big ole glass of wine and I’m not getting up for love or money to look for your _________”.
Even though I know exactly where _____________ is.
This is just one of the many small ways I am evil. mwwwwahhh hahahaha. But that is another whole post.