Chicken Upon Request..

Hi World:
My good friend and very loyal reader, CB, recently suggested I blog on one of the following:

“My secret guilty pleasure…”
“Things I have wasted money on…”
“One life changing event I wish I could re-experience…”
“Some of my favorite things… (sans the raindrops, roses, whiskers, kittens, mittens…)”
“The Oscars…”

“Toys I miss from my childhood that my kids think are cool too/too stupid”
“Clowns versus puppets…”

“Things I know now that I wish I knew then…”
“Stephen Colbert…”
“Chat Roulette…”

When someone is a friend, such a good friend that they make a point of reading and commenting on every post you blog, you do not take their suggestions lightly.  You jump on the train, with your scarf whipping around you in the breeze, throw up your hands and exclaim, “I am in”. 
 
So, CB, thank you for the suggestions and this post is for you.  When the work load lightens up I hope you will reconsider my offer to guest blog because all of us on your facebook page know how funny you are, but the World (such as it is on this blog) needs also to hear your voice.
 
My first inclination was to write about my secret guilty pleasures.  I used to have a lot of those and mostly they involved television shows I enjoyed that I would feel embarrassed to admit I watched.  Since Littleb has been around, however, I watch more Max and Ruby than I do anything else and I feel more guilty for wanting to stab them with a kitchen knife and braise them than I do for watching them.  My main guilty pleasure now is “People” magazine.  I love it.  I will not buy it.  Instead, I constantly scan my environment for rogue copies which I scoop up and devour before putting them back exactly where I found them.
 
I think “Things I have Wasted Money On” holds the most promise because I always seem to be relatively broke, so I am guessing I waste a lot of money and several of the things I waste money on are most definitely guilty pleasures.
 
 For instance, I waste the most money on this:
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
And these:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I know.  No lectures.  If one goes, the other also has to go and I have not been that strong yet but if  I were to suddenly grow a pair, and give them up, I would save quite a lot of money. 

Here’s another thing I spend way too much money on:
I have resolved this year to use the library more and the bookstore less.  It is working out pretty well except that approximately 15% of what I would have wasted on books is now wasted on overdue library fees.
Here are two more big wastes:
The cell phone is my son’s.  Since all his age-group do not believe in actually speaking on the phone and communicate primarily through texting, I had to find a plan that included unlimited texting.  Then I bought the insurance because he’s 14 and his previous phone met its demise when he took it for a swim in the community pool.  After approximately two months with the new insured phone, he traded it with a friend for an old uninsured blackberry, which promptly broke.   I am done with phones for this kid but keep forgetting to cancel the plan, which will result in a further waste of $200 to cancel before the two-year mark.  I hate phones.  The other thing that I waste way too much money on is cable television.  We have a bundle plan that includes phone, internet, and cable.  The ironic thing is that I do not answer the phone if I can avoid it, which I totally can, and I rarely enjoy the luxury of watching a television show of my own choosing.  I do enjoy the internet.  All told, I waste about $300 p/month on technology.
Meet littleb:
Sweet, right?  Take him to a grocery store and he turns into a world class ninja diamond thief.  Picture him rappeling from the ceiling, lighting softly along top the compartments of the frozen food aisle, and before you even have time to think, “hey, where did b go?”, he is back and your cart is full of fudgesicles.  Littleb is a born choc-a-holic and junk food junkie.  He comes along to the grocery store supposedly to help, but his motives are much darker.  Semi-sweet, actually.
While I am reading labels and contemplating 9-Grain Vs. Whole Wheat, “b” is very quietly tossing Suzy-Qs and Little Debbie cakes into the cart.  As I rummage the shelves for our favorite Yoplait strawberry yogurt, he throws in six packs of chocolate pudding.  I pick out some cheerios and he nonchalantly slides in a box of Cocoa Puffs.  While I’m contemplating saltines vs stoned wheat thins, he is contemplating oreos vs chocolate chip, finally deciding on both.  All told, Littleb’s help costs me about $23 per week on average.  His siblings are very thankful that they no longer have to accompany me to the grocery store and I suspect there is coaching going on because I do not think most three-year-olds know or care about the differences between Cape Cod, Utz, and Lays, but Littleb does and insists on buying his brother’s favorite brand every week. 
Now I just need to teach him to read so that “People” somehow ends up in my cart every week and I can pretend I don’t see the cashier scanning it but if she makes a comment I could say, “Oh man, my son must have thrown that in but since you’ve already scanned it and my mother-in-law reads it, I’ll just keep it.  Thanks.”
Logically, I know that not one person in the world cares whether or not I read People magazine.  But it is not something I can be logical about.  This is along the same lines as Big B’s fondness for Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight.  He will claim that he doesn’t watch them.  It just so happens that they come on right after the news.  Sure, B.  Keep telling yourself that.  Meanwhile, I find it very interesting that you know Gwyneth Paltrow has a kid named Apple and that Mary Kate and Ashley have their own fashion label. 
Thanks again for the suggestions, CB and hope you all enjoy your Sunday and your own guilty pleasures.  Which would be…..????
Take care,
Chicken
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  10 comments for “Chicken Upon Request..

  1. March 7, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    Love it!

    Like

  2. Anonymous
    March 7, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    I waste money on magazines that I never read, gym memberships that I never use, and loads of crap for my house that will supposedly keep me organized but never seem to–all of which invariably end up in the “Good Will” bin within a year of purchase. I should just cut out the middle man and make a cash donation to Good Will. Happy to help Chicken. Blog on!!

    CB

    Like

  3. March 7, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    I vote for devil dogs or ding dongs vs. Suzy-Q's, but then again I'm not three and only your sister-in-law. Thx for yet another entertaining and amusing blog! Slante!

    Like

  4. March 7, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    Thanks FS-you forgot to list your guilty pleasures, though. CB-I have purchased my share of gym memberships, for wure. And exercise machines. Office supplies and organizational gadgets would fall under guilty pleasures for me. I love shopping for that stuff. Not that it helps me stay organized.
    Buttercup-oh it is you! I wasn't sure. Actually, I'm still not sure, come to think of it:-) I'm with you on the devil dogs though.

    Like

  5. March 8, 2010 at 7:07 am

    Don't feel bad. Stabbing and cooking Max and Ruby is nothing compared to what I'd like to do to Dora the explorer. It involves a sledgehammer, some duct tape and a shallow grave…

    Like

  6. March 8, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Yeah, Amanda, and her little cousin Diego. Get him, too. There must be something we can use in that damn back pack!

    Like

  7. March 8, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    Secret guilty pleasure eh?

    Stealth wanking in the local library.

    So there!

    (er..avoid the childrens section)…;-)

    Like

  8. March 8, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    Dinners-well thank God for that. Not the stealth wanking-the avoidance of small children. And now I think I need to go buy a case of antibacterial wipes before my next library trip.

    Like

  9. March 20, 2010 at 1:16 am

    Does “wanking” have a different meaning across the pond? Yikes. Lets just keep that secret pleasure a secret! But glad that you had the b*lls to post that, 4D. As for Dora and Max murders: solidarity, sister! I am a generation behind, however, since my nephews are my only contact, umpteen years ago, with such media and all I can say is that they still tease me with the “wee sing-along” hit: “Get on board, little children. Get on board” as well as “The old gray mare ain't quite what she used to be.. quite what she used to be. Quite what she used to be…” (if you don't know these toddler favorites, think: “the wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round”). Leading to such introspective phrases in my head as: “Won't that VHS tape ever wear out?!?!?!?” “Make it stop! Make it stop!!!”

    Like

  10. March 20, 2010 at 3:47 am

    Desperate times call for desperate measures, yes they do. Amanda and I are planning an uprising but shhh.

    Like

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