C is for Cluck It

I mean Fuck it.

Hi World,

Consider “F” also covered.

D is Delicious and refers to the Utz Salt & Vinegar potato chips I have been eating for the past three days, pretty much non-stop.

E is for elephant, which is what I will be if I keep this up.  Elephants are brainy and graceful, and some can even fly, but they are NOT going to fit in my work suits and somehow I don’t think the Bears will appreciate my navy blue stretchy yoga pants regardless of how liberal they are or how convincing my argument that comfort fuels productivity. 

G is for Gracias.  Gracias to you, amigos, for not unfollowing me as I transition through to the next phase.  It has been a bit more challenging than I thought it would be and I’ve been sort of in a weird, non-blogger fun, place.  And then when I checked in today not only had I not lost a friend (even though Red has been cleaning out all her contact lists) but I had actually gained one.  Hi Lindsey-it is nice to see you up there, Chick:-)

The good news is….I’mmmm baaaaacckkkkk. 

So what have I been doing?  Hmmm.  Well, I went through a phase of drunk emailing to some of the people I used to work with.  It is sort of like drunk dialing, only for people like me who are verbally challenged and prefer to communicate through the written word but only after staying up way too late and consuming multiple glasses of wine.  This behavior is far more dangerous than drunk dialing because you can always deny you said something but the written word is hard to deny when it comes from your email address.  Not that I would ever say anything bad.  I am the overly sentimental sap that wants to reminisce about all the good times we had.  I am the original, “I love you Maaaann”, only I wrote it, I didn’t say it.  And I was drinking wine, not beer. 

So they shut off my email account and rightly so, and now I’ve moved on.

To Trueblood.

Now, to truly understand the impact of what I am confessing to, you have to understand that except for littleb’s cartoons, which I am forced to view when he is watching because the authorities in charge of deciding who gets to raise their own kids and whose kids get removed from the home generally prefer an adult be present at all times, I have literally not watched television or seen a movie for about six months.  Last fall, however, I did see one episode of Trueblood (I am still not sure how the remote ended up in my hot little hands).  And it didn’t make sense to me because I had not ever seen any of the other episodes.  But I vowed before God and all the vampire nation that I would someday view the whole series start to finish.

And that’s what I have been doing.  Plus enough laundry to clothe every child in Sweden.  And you know what, Joann?  You are right.  Laundry hurts my feelings, too. 

So now, in addition to my blogging obsession, I have a Sookie obsession. 

I think I might BE Sookie if Sookie were a real person (and 46, not 25).  Let’s examine the evidence:

S is for Sookie, and S is for Sue (my alias).  (also, I may just cover the whole alphabet today and get it over with if that is okay with you)

Sookie has a vampire named Bill and Sue has a husband named Bill (who is not a vampire, just want to make that clear because he would totally be upset if he thought I were spreading those kinds of rumors).

Sookie lets Bill bite her neck.  Sue would totally let her Bill bite her neck.  Gently.

Sookie has a stupid brother named Jason.  Sue has five stupid brothers.  Well, not ALL stupid, and not named Jason, so that might be a stretch.

Sookie has a smart ass from childhood best friend named Tara.  Sue has a smartass from childhood best friend named Green Girl (plus a lot of other smart ass friends). 

Sookie works in the hospitality business.  Sue, until the apocalypse, also worked in the hospitality business. 

I think the evidence is pretty clear, people.  The character of Sookie was obviously based on Sue. 

Which leads me to this. 

I have insomnia again.

Because I am afraid. 

Of Vampires.

Not the real vampires that feed on your neck, but all the freakazoids out there that want to BE vampires.  You think Chicken is kidding? I am not kidding.  Mrs. P and I were talking about this last week.  Go on Google and enter “Tooth Sharpening” (Joann, could you please help your friend, there?  Her google disappeared again).

See what I mean?  That is some weird butt guts (that’s my new word for shit, which is a word I do not like but sometimes it is the only applicable word.  I stole it from a seven year old named Lola).

My Trueblood obsession is totally different than the “freaks'” obsession.  I know that I am not really Sookie. I know the difference between fantasy and reality. (she states proudly pretending not to notice the snickers in the background.  Shut up GG and former co-workers).

OH.  And did I tell you? I think there is also a Werewolf.  I have to go back and see now.  And fold another load of miserable laundry and get my feelings hurt all over again.  God, what a great vacation.  This beats Niagra Falls any day. 

Take care, Peeps

Chicken out

UPDATE:  So turns out NOT a werewolf but a ShapeShifter.  Ooooh, how sexy is that?

  27 comments for “C is for Cluck It

  1. Dee
    April 8, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    That was quite possibly one of the more random things I have ever read. And FUNNY. Butt guts?? I love it.


  2. April 8, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    Sookie? Bill? Another Bill?…..I have no idea…no change there then…

    Drunk mailing? Do it all the time…why'd you think the managers at my last place of employment hated me?…You wouldn't believe what I called them after a few vodka's…or perhaps you would…;-)

    I've got lots of neck to bite these days…must be an age thing…;-)


  3. April 8, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    Hi Red-yes, Butt Guts. Isn't that hilarious? I wish I had thought of it myself. Good blog, too, incidentally.

    Dinners-you don't have Trueblood? It is series for television in which Vampires come out of the basements and start integrating with society. They are the new minority. They are supposed to drink synthetic blood, but of course, you have the rogue vampires who only want the real thing. Sookie is the heroine, a sweet Southern telepathic waitress who falls in love with the new Vampire in town, whose name is Bill. Great vampire name, isn't it? I think your angels could be television series.


  4. April 8, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    As for drunk emailing…I'm not sure if this was for real or if it was a prospective type thing (or a joke?), but I read somewhere a while back that Google email had or was planning to implement a setting to help prevent drunk/sleep deprived emailing… like it would require you to solve a simple math problem or some kind of logic puzzle before you can send your email in order to prevent you from sending drunky/sleepy emails. just thought i'd throw that out there hehe 🙂


  5. April 8, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    Miss Morgan, that is Genius! What they really ought to invent, though, is something to keep people from RECEIVING drunk email if they really don't want it. Because, let's face it. If you are drunk and you want to send an email? You are just moving right on over to Yahoo….Maybe there should be an email curfew. An assumption that any email sent after 1 AM (for instance) is being sent by someone who may regret it come morning. They could put a 12 hour hold on it, but not TELL the drunk person that. Think how relieved they would be the next day, right?


  6. April 8, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    I love Trueblood!!!!! But I like Eric.


  7. April 8, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    Is he the blonde one from Fangtasia? I'm still figuring out all of the characters-I'm only as far as episode 8, season 1. I like him, too. I also like the voo doo lady in the woods and I love Tara. Something about Trueblood reminds me a little bit of Twin Peaks from the 80's.


  8. Anonymous
    April 8, 2010 at 11:40 pm

    Great post Chicken. BTW, I constantly dream that I drunk emailed someone, and I can't tell you how relieved I am to open up the Yahoo sent file the next morning and find out that it was only a dream. (Some of my dream emails could really get me into legal trouble.) I clearly have some unresolved issues that are working themselves out in dreamland.

    FYI, I can't watch vampire movies. I feel the same way about vampires that many people feel about clowns. Clowns do not bother me…vampires terrify me. I do not find Edward Cullen sexy–he actually repulses me–to the point of physical illness…and that Bella chick? Please, my diet coke is a better actress. (How do I know all this if I hate vampires–my lovely daughter has taken quite a shine to them–and she is allergic to garlic–coincidence? I think not! (Although some days she is more likely to be confused with a witch than a vampire.) Ha ha!



  9. April 9, 2010 at 1:11 am

    I dont think I've ever drunk emailed someone. Thank you for suggesting it .I've put this on my to do list.

    We dont get Trueblood here..maybe on Foxtel , but we dont have Pay TV.

    Vampires are scary and I really dont understand this obsession everyone has with them. At the risk of get howled down (there's a werewolf reference for ya) I havent read any of the twilight books or seen any of the movies either. But then I'm the only person in the civilsed world that wasnt interested in seeing Avatar too…


  10. Anonymous
    April 9, 2010 at 2:04 am

    I'm with you QiMP! No desire to read Twilight, no desire to see Avatar.



  11. April 9, 2010 at 3:37 am

    CB: Hmmm. Who do we know that doesn't like clowns????

    CB and Mrs. P: I heard Avatar was very good, but I have no desire to see it, either. As for Vampires, I've never really been interested. I have read a couple of the books just to see what it is all about. What made an impression on me was a trip to New Orleans, pre-Katrina, during which I partook of a ghost tour and learned all about Psychic Vampires. Google THAT my friends, if you want to hear about some scary butt guts! And then I made the mistake of accompanying my daughter to a psychic reading and getting a reading during which I was informed that there was a grey shadow in my aura indicating that someone was sucking me dry. Yup. I was relieved when she offered to cure me of this malady in ten easy sessions for $50 p/each. Ha. I bought the book for $9.95 and got rid of it myself:-. I'm so tongue in cheek I crack myself up.


  12. April 9, 2010 at 4:59 am

    CB-completely neglected the first part of your comment so caught up was I with the vampires (hey, look at me, I am Yoda). But. Yes. You should write all those “drunk emails” in an anonymous blog and give out the URL only to those in the know. 'Cause seriously, I want to see those. I would also like to read the comments of the clown phobia guy.


  13. April 9, 2010 at 6:15 am

    Ever try drunk facebooking?

    Not reccomended.

    Drunk facebook equals maximum potential for poorly spelled, gramatically incorrect posts on an obscene number of friend and 'friend's walls.


  14. April 9, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    Writing down ” drunk facebooking” on to do list as well…I get so many awesome ideas from you guys!


  15. Anonymous
    April 9, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    does bigB like chicken necks????


  16. April 9, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Hi Rainey-at least on facebook you can remove your stupid, drunk comments the next day, and if you don't, it's only a matter of time before you are an “old post”:-) I haven't tried it yet, though. It might be a good substitute for my emailing habit.

    Mrs. P. Do as we say, not as we do. And I plan to start doing as you do…hanging out in my PJs making quilts and eating chocolate:-)

    Anonymous: Apparently he does!


  17. April 9, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    I thoroughly enjoy reading your blogs! I laugh, cry and scream “OH MY GOD, I totally DO that!!” at least a few times a week. The chicken persona is genius and you inspire my creativity, so thanks!


  18. April 9, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    TFN-thank you so much-what a nice thing to say! There are many blogs out there that I react to that same way.


  19. April 9, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    Drunk emailing is my arch nemesis. Or, Ambien Emailing – which more often happens with me. Especially during/after messy breakups…


  20. April 9, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    You just got to love a person who say Fuck in the beginning of a post 🙂

    Can I say Butt Guts when I pick up my daughter at school today? I like the sound of it especially since saying Crap is offfensive to everyone!

    Love this post! Enjoy folding clothes – I fold mine to Dora and Diego!


  21. Rae
    April 9, 2010 at 10:33 pm

    I loved Trueblood, but I only saw the first season. Was there more? I think Sookie was a bad actress, though. Maybe you could be her double- or take over- or something. Unless, of course, you're chicken!
    Good Post! Love the way you wiped out the first part of the alphabet!!


  22. April 9, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    SS-oooh. Messy break ups are the worst. Mine all happened before email and facebook, thank goodness.

    GND-thank you! You can totally say “butt guts”. I don't think Lola will mind. It is the only endearing phrase for poop I have ever heard. Not sure why I love Fuck so much but don't like to say Shit or Crap…that's one for the therapist.

    Rae: I would totally be her double if I got the chance. I watched all of season one today. But I'm confused. I thought there were two seasons. I'm going to look it up.


  23. Anonymous
    April 10, 2010 at 3:46 am

    I have to wait until April 14th before I can start blogging 😉



  24. Anonymous
    April 10, 2010 at 3:46 am

    …and now I'm scared of pancakes!


  25. April 10, 2010 at 11:08 am

    CB: Really? Taxes or some kind of weird statute of limitations? Don't be afraid of Jack. He's so happy. As long as you don't break out a fork and a bottle of syrup in his presence. Then he turns on you.


  26. Anonymous
    April 10, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    I'll have to tell you over wine sometime Chicken why April 14, 2010 is the magic date…but you are close on the idea of statute of limitations.

    And yeah, that's what I'm afraid of…Jack turning on me.



  27. April 11, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    CB-oooh, let me know when you are in town again. That sounds like a great story. If you need to borrow my blog for a day on the 14th, you are most welcome to share your message on it.

    Re: Jack, you mean flip on you? ha ha


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