Sssssh. Don’t Wake Them….

Psssst.  Over here.  sssssshhhh   It’s just me, Chicken.

hi.  hee hee.

I’m up late. 
Sssshhhhhhh. Don’t laugh.  You’ll wake them all up.  They’ll make me cook breakfast.

I’m up late because I went out with a few local Chickadees tonight and there was wine.  We solved all the world’s problems.  You’re welcome.

And then someone said, I forget who, “Do you believe in 2012?”. 

And I snorted wine.  But then someone else said, “Yes, I do believe in 2012”, and I said, “What???”

That’s just a movie right?  The Chick who began the conversation said something about weather patterns, Mayans, the bible, and coincidence…..

Whoooooa

I quit smoking for no good reason except to live an extra 20 years and you’re telling me I have a year and a half? 

Not acceptable, Universe.  I’m feeling very uncomfortable with this revelation (get it?). 

I know nothing about this 2012 theory.  I know nothing because I’ve chosen to ignore all media hype related to the subject.  The world is scary enough as it is.  Picturing it as a fiery ball is not going to help me sleep at night.  And now people I know and love, people whose opinions I take seriously because they are smart, are telling me they think there is something to this theory, are telling me, yeah, I think maybe that’s true?  Look.  I like a good government conspiracy theory as much as the next guy.  Bring on the aliens, the Russians, and the scary genetics.  I’ll entertain all comers.  But 2012?  Seriously?

Okay, if 2012 is a possibility then Chickens everywhere need a plan.

Here’s my plan:

  • Move to Vermont (Vermont is way too wholesome to be obliterated. Canada, too)
  • Build Ark.
  • Watch Waterworld
  • Immediately resume all bad habits
  • Pay minimum on credit card (until Jan 2012 then stop paying altogether)
  • Store water and canned goods
  • Lose 20 pounds (every other special occasion requires weight loss; I’m sure this on is no different)
  • Take wilderness survival course
  • Read Celestine Prophecy
  • Take a lot of showers (before indoor plumbing becomes a sweet memory)
  • Store wine and hershey bars in cool, dark very secret place
  • Secure secret place with eyeball recognition security mode in case key gets lost in apocalypse chaos
  • Don’t forget to store corkscrew and wineglasses in very secret place (can you imagine?)
  • Buy gas mask
  • Attend internet addiction camp
  • Destroy journal
  • Start fake journal in order to punk future civilizations
  • Find time warp.  Go back to 1970.  

I think I’ve covered everything.  What will you guys do in 2012?  Let me know if I’ve missed anything.  I guess it is obvious I’m assuming that when the world ends, I will continue to live on in Vermont in my very secret place and not be incinerated in a fiery hell with the majority of the world population.  You are welcome to join me.  Send me a scan of your eyeball and I’ll have it programmed.  This invitation is BYOB.

Chicken out

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  29 comments for “Sssssh. Don’t Wake Them….

  1. May 22, 2010 at 8:58 am

    Shit…I had managed to avoid all the 2012 hype , but if you're taking it seriously enough to start smoking again and hoard booze and corkscrews , maybe I should sit up and start worrying.

    After this post I spent the afternoon looking at all the reputable sources that reference 2012 predictions (google is a wealth of information and you just know if some crackpot took the time to make a webpage it's gotta be true right ?) and now I'm pee-ing in my pants that I only have 18 months left on this earth. Thanks so much for posting.

    And save me a spot in your super secret hideaway. I'll bring the Aussie wines.

    Like

  2. May 22, 2010 at 11:37 am

    Mrs. P-could you bring some quilts, too? Vermont is very cold.

    Like

  3. May 22, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Consider it done. I'll also bring Tim Tams. We can munch on those while we watch the carnage.

    Like

  4. May 22, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Tim Tams don't have marmites in them do they? Wait…are marmites bugs? Or is marmite something else you spread on toast? I forget. If they have caramel in them, I'm in. Marmites or no marmites.

    Like

  5. May 22, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Well NO, I was not thinking about it until you mentioned it. Damn……well I am not going to quit smoking now. I should store booze as well. Maybe instead of taking the Summer off of school….I should not bother going back? hmmmm I will Google too! don't start the party without me

    Like

  6. Dee
    May 22, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    I just watched that movie. It's rather good. I love your list. Damn, maybe I need to update my bucket list. heehee

    Like

  7. May 22, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Bry, yeah sorry about that. I'm a share the anxiety kinda girl. And here you are with a whole summer ahead to dwell on it. Do you like gardening? Maybe grow some food and take up canning? Just a suggestion.

    Dee-I don't know if update is the write word….Get ass in gear and complete bucket list items is what I'm thinking. I don't even have a bucket list but if I did, watching that movie would not be on it.

    Like

  8. May 22, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Hahaha…My husbands got a 12 year supply of all things outdoor related: tents, sleeping bags, air mattresses, pro bars…

    Can we join you?

    Like

  9. Anonymous
    May 22, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    Are you kidding? Come to my house. I've still got all that canned tuna left over from the Y2K thing. PLUS, I know how to make wine. And soap. So at the very least, we'll smell nice as the world goes to shit. Oh, wait, that ship has sailed.
    GG

    Like

  10. May 22, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    Noelle, Is hubs handy? If he can rig up some kind of rudimentary plumbing, you are both definitely in. I like the way he thinks!

    GG Okay good. You know a lot of stuff about survival plus you have fairies. I ate what I thought was a wild strawberry today. Wasn't. Then my lips got all tingly and throat got a little sore and I totally thought I was not going to have to worry about 2012 because I had just stupidly poisoned myself with a strawberry imposter.

    Like

  11. Anonymous
    May 23, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    I'm sure a fine educator like your mom must have told you, probably on several occasions, not to put strange stuff in your mouth. And yes, every guy on the planet tries to talk you out of that good advice – but that doesn't mean you should listen.Your mother (at least in the case of wild food items) was right. Leave that shit to a professional. (The food, I mean – not what the guys try to talk you into. That's totally your call.)
    Will you be bringing the teenager who lives in the basement with you? If so, we'll need a lot more wine, because we'll have to heavily sedate
    him when he finds out civilization is dead and has rendered his Wii into a useless hunk of plastic. It ain't gonna be pretty. On the good news side – you'll be able to stop fighting with your new cell phone.
    GG

    Like

  12. Anonymous
    May 23, 2010 at 11:28 pm

    Oh chicken the world has to end sometime. Why fight it? I made a decision when I was 12 and watched “The Day After Tomorrow” (about nuclear holocaust) that I was not made up of the kind of stock that would be up for rebuilding civilization. I was made up of the kind of stock that would party like hell until the end of days and then enjoy watching all of those “survivors” work like dogs to dig wells and outhouses from my perch in the heavens above (or not as the case may be).

    You have fun stockpiling your protein bars…me and mine, we'll be greeting the fiery ball of terror with an ice cold Bud and a smile.

    CB

    Like

  13. May 24, 2010 at 12:01 am

    GG-hahaha. Yes, she tried to tell me that but she'll be the first one to tell you I didn't listen well. Besides. I grew up eating wild strawberries. I KNOW what they look like. That was a genetically altered wild strawberry meant to offer charming on campus presence while discouraging snackers. TWLITB will hopefully be joining me but we won't tell him about the lack of resources just yet. We'll tell him you have a generator.

    CB: I have four kids and am amassing an army of Canadians. I do not intend to do any of the work but I do like the idea of an ice cold bud and am thinking Ice will be in short supply through half the year (although its presence the second half of the year does make the whole cold climate living a bit more palatable) so I see that you have an excellent point.

    Like

  14. Anonymous
    May 24, 2010 at 12:36 am

    Chicken, you will need to brew your own beer and ferment your own wine once the supply runs out. A world without hops and vino is no world for me…

    CB

    Like

  15. May 24, 2010 at 4:34 am

    Can I go back to 1967 instead? That way, I can attend the Monterrey Pop Festival and Woodstock. That's all I want in the world. Eff 2012 if I can just do that…

    (PS – reading your blog when I should be working. But, if the world is ending in a year and a half, how important is this stupid project anyway? I think I should just tell Boss Man Jr. that I'm peace'n out, since you told life as we know it is almost over. I'm sure he'll be understanding…)

    Like

  16. May 24, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    Every few years, somebody brings up another prophecy of doom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

    But, if it is, I will do 2 things. I will get off my arse and get this durn book out there and I will hunt Bono down and force him to dance with me, even if he is laid up with back problems.

    Like

  17. May 25, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    SS-1967 works for me. We'll go together. We'll wear flowers in our hair and bring a video camera. And an umbrella.Tell BMJ to chill

    Like

  18. May 25, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    Yeah so, um I just happen to be going to VT this weekend with my BFF to visit my adopted family. I can scout out secret hideaways and buy bubble wrap for the wine glasses. Just an FYI!

    Like

  19. May 25, 2010 at 10:47 pm

    Joann-you make a good point. But if you and your family would like to join us, just pack up that wine cellar and come on down. I mean up. Or we could come down. Either way. Also, yes, it would be helpful if Bono saw the immediacy of the situation.

    Ninja-that is great. Thank you! Bubble wrap good. Screw the environment. Not like it matters now.

    Like

  20. May 26, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    While watching “Waterworld” might be a little difficult, I believe time warps are readily available at most supermarkets.

    Like

  21. May 26, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    Hi Amber-yes, but I am looking for the deluxe lo-cal version. You know-the one you enter and emerge from 20 lb lighter and 15 years younger? That one is hard to find.

    Like

  22. Anonymous
    May 26, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    Well, judging from the way celebrities are perpetually dumping weight and/or years, I'd say the Liposuctionus Retro-Chronology Event Horizon you're searching for is located in Hollywood somewhere. It must be used with great caution, however, because overuse of the portal will cause *shudder*Like

  23. Anonymous
    May 26, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    Dammit, chicken, why isn't your comment section hyperlink enabled??? Let's try this another way:
    “because overuse of the portal will cause *shudder* This:
    http://tinyurl.com/36y4rn8

    Like

  24. Anonymous
    May 26, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    Oh, that's just f*ing great. Links don't work either. And nobody is going to be bothered to type a link in a browser and go to the site to see my joke – like you care, because YOU can do hyperlinks, Queen Chicken Blogger Overlord, even if I can't. This site is elitist! Power to the people! Hyperlink deprived commenters, unite!!
    GG

    Like

  25. May 27, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    Can I stop cleaning then house then? Don't lose weight you will need the extra weight to live off of or to get eaten 🙂

    I have been sick since my last post :-(. I also moved to wordpress and you might need to update your blogroll or reader! Thank you.

    http://thegirlnextdoorgrowsup.com

    Like

  26. May 28, 2010 at 12:37 am

    Hey GG, I always check out your non-links. The sad thing is Kenny looked so much more virile the first time around. Now he looks like he should be taming tigers wearing a electric blue pantsuit with flames emblazoned across the chest.

    GND-I have been to your new site and I liked it! I'm sorry you were sick, though. Myself, I've just been uninspired and lazy. I do need to update my blogroll though.

    Like

  27. May 30, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    Well, if the world as we know it is gonna end in 2012, I may as well start keeping my kids at home and not send them to school anymore. Nothing like getting a head start. Also, I'll need to kidnap Juan Valdez and his little donkey so I can have a supply of coffee and I will hide them in the biggest, darkest cave along with my wine and wine accessories. Also, a supply of my husband's O'Douls “beer” (can you say oxymoron??). Wow! I better get moving!!

    Like

  28. June 3, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    Hi Katie,
    I know. We have a lot to do. They should call it the Alottodolypse. Maybe the Alottoclypse. ha.

    Like

  29. September 1, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Love the List, Chicken. I totally checked out the non-link, Anonymous, and agree with Chicken's response. Can I come to VT, too? I have a corkscrew and a fire-starting flint. That should come in handy. Glue them together and it's like the swiss army knife for survivalist vinophiles (should be fitting for you, who are France and planning on riding out 2012 in VT).

    Like

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