Psssst. Over here. sssssshhhh It’s just me, Chicken.
hi. hee hee.
I’m up late.
Sssshhhhhhh. Don’t laugh. You’ll wake them all up. They’ll make me cook breakfast.
I’m up late because I went out with a few local Chickadees tonight and there was wine. We solved all the world’s problems. You’re welcome.
And then someone said, I forget who, “Do you believe in 2012?”.
And I snorted wine. But then someone else said, “Yes, I do believe in 2012”, and I said, “What???”
That’s just a movie right? The Chick who began the conversation said something about weather patterns, Mayans, the bible, and coincidence…..
I quit smoking for no good reason except to live an extra 20 years and you’re telling me I have a year and a half?
Not acceptable, Universe. I’m feeling very uncomfortable with this revelation (get it?).
I know nothing about this 2012 theory. I know nothing because I’ve chosen to ignore all media hype related to the subject. The world is scary enough as it is. Picturing it as a fiery ball is not going to help me sleep at night. And now people I know and love, people whose opinions I take seriously because they are smart, are telling me they think there is something to this theory, are telling me, yeah, I think maybe that’s true? Look. I like a good government conspiracy theory as much as the next guy. Bring on the aliens, the Russians, and the scary genetics. I’ll entertain all comers. But 2012? Seriously?
Okay, if 2012 is a possibility then Chickens everywhere need a plan.
Here’s my plan:
- Move to Vermont (Vermont is way too wholesome to be obliterated. Canada, too)
- Build Ark.
- Watch Waterworld
- Immediately resume all bad habits
- Pay minimum on credit card (until Jan 2012 then stop paying altogether)
- Store water and canned goods
- Lose 20 pounds (every other special occasion requires weight loss; I’m sure this on is no different)
- Take wilderness survival course
- Read Celestine Prophecy
- Take a lot of showers (before indoor plumbing becomes a sweet memory)
- Store wine and hershey bars in cool, dark very secret place
- Secure secret place with eyeball recognition security mode in case key gets lost in apocalypse chaos
- Don’t forget to store corkscrew and wineglasses in very secret place (can you imagine?)
- Buy gas mask
- Attend internet addiction camp
- Destroy journal
- Start fake journal in order to punk future civilizations
- Find time warp. Go back to 1970.
I think I’ve covered everything. What will you guys do in 2012? Let me know if I’ve missed anything. I guess it is obvious I’m assuming that when the world ends, I will continue to live on in Vermont in my very secret place and not be incinerated in a fiery hell with the majority of the world population. You are welcome to join me. Send me a scan of your eyeball and I’ll have it programmed. This invitation is BYOB.