Chicken and the Genetically Altered Filet O’ Fish….

Hi World:

You know what is really sad?  When you are looking forward to the next day being Friday and you wake up from a dead sleep to realize that the next day is really only Thursday.  It’s not 2012 Apocalypse sad, no, but there are many different kinds of sad.  This is one of the everyday ones for those of us with memory loss.  Littleb wakes up every morning and says, “It’s a boodiful nice day out there!” usually followed by, “what day is it, Mommy?” and it makes no difference to him….Monday, Tuesday, Saturday.  It’s all good.  Let’s all be like littleb tomorrow (Thursday for the record), that’s my suggestion.

Anyway.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for awhile (okay, two weeks) know that I have an addiction for which I am in recovery.  I’m sad to say that today I gave in to my addiction.  But I learned from it, and that is almost worth it.  Right?  Right????

This is what happened:

Today I did not bring a lunch to work, as I usually do, and I happened to be on the road around lunchtime.  I found myself hungry and at just the time I noticed my hunger, I found myself in front of a McDonalds.  I didn’t think twice.  Or even once.  I drove right up to the speaker and in a world-weary voice (for we have been here many times), I ordered a filet o’ fish.    My drug of choice. 

Of course, I rationalized the hell out of this purchase.  Here’s my list of rationalizations:

  • I need this filet o’ fish because I have been eating all these soy beans, flax, almonds and salads and it is wreaking havoc on my intestines.  I know.  That is the saddest excuse ever, right?  Totally true.  I convinced myself that I needed a meal containing grease as the primary ingredient to flush all the roughage out.  Picture, if you will, the intenstines as a Slip and Slide.  Ahhh.  Not so crazy after all, right?
  • I haven’t had a filet o’ fish for three weeks
  • If I were Catholic and it were Friday, I would be doing a pious thing (see how I did that?  Pretty slick, right?)
  • This would make a funny blog entry

You know you are an addict when you happen to find yourself in front of a dealer just when the yearning reaches critical mass. (Critical mass?  Where the hell did that come from?  Am I channeling NASA tonight?  I don’t even know what critical mass IS.  But it sounds good.  I’m keeping it.  Welcome to Bob Marley’s head.)

I’ve been reading a bit about addiction lately in one of my Borders sales-rack-finds.  In Susan Cheever’s book “Desire” she examines sex addiction (No. Not even close.  Ask BigB.  It cost one dollar and her father was John Cheever.  I’m a sucker for a good family name.).  In the book, which I am really enjoying, by the way, she often talks about the addictive personality, rather than just the one distinct addiction.  She talks (loose translation here) about how addicts enter a “zone” when their addiction yearning reaches critical mass and they often act with no later recollection of their actions.  They just “awaken” from the zone feeling guilt and a sense of remorse. 

Hello remorse. My old friend.  I know I shouldn’t have eaten you lovely filet o’ fish.  What did you ever do to me?  Okay, you’ve clogged my arteries, made me sluggish, and I’m probably carrying around a few extra pounds, but that’s down to me, right, my friend?  No one forced me through that drive through.  I was in the zone.  And not in a good way.

When I came to, I did something that I never ever do.  I read the nutrition facts that were handily printed on the (recyclable-good for you McDonalds) container.  I do not ever read labels when eating something unhealthy because when you know something is bad for you, you really don’t want to read HOW bad, am I right? 

I figured a filet’ o fish must contain about 1,000 calories and 40 grams of fat.  I mean, look at it:

See all that yummy sauce, that triangle of cheese, that lovely bun? 

Here is what the container said:  380 calories, 18 grams of fat, and 38 grams carb.

Huh?  I think a handful of peanuts comes to about that.  Am I the only one that finds this information hard to believe?  I did a little research.

A filet o’ fish is constructed as such:  A roll (white), a breaded, fried, fish patty, tarter sauce (special sauce?), and american cheese.

Two tablespoons of tarter sauce contain 148 calories and 15 grams of fat.  One slice of american cheese contains 106 calories and 8.8 grams of fat.  A basic hamburger roll contains 79 calories and 1.2 grams fat.   

Thus far, the count for all of the above together is  333 calories, 25 grams of fat?

It doesn’t add up, does it World?  And we haven’t even added in the lovely breaded fried fish patty.

Has McDonalds discovered the secret of the negative-fat-fried-fish patty?  I know their sauce is special, but is it that special? 

It must be true.  The poster boys for American obesity could not get away with undereporting their nutritional facts what with all the lynch mob mindset of the ADA and the “SuperSize Me” propaganda floating around out there.

Oh happy, boodiful day!

I will be indulging much more often now that I know how healthy o’ choice my addiction is.  Damn these nutritionists and their lying, manipulative ways.  All these years, all the seas’ fried bounty I could have enjoyed, all that specialicious sauce.  NO MORE.  I am in, McDonalds.  I will no longer be manipulated by the machine known as the ADA.  You can count on me.

Yes, I think I will have fries with that. 
Sign me recovered,
Chicken out

DISCLAIMER:  This Chicken is not receiving lobbyist monies from the Ronald.  However, let it be known that should the Ronald reach into his deep pocket, Chicken is in.  This product is obviously healthy and superior to other fried fish sandwich products on the market (this means you , BK BIG FISH).

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  31 comments for “Chicken and the Genetically Altered Filet O’ Fish….

  1. June 10, 2010 at 4:02 am

    Rather disturbing….a chicken eating a fish sandwich….

    Like

  2. June 10, 2010 at 4:04 am

    Not as disturbing as a chicken eating a chicken sandwich, though, right?

    Like

  3. June 10, 2010 at 4:07 am

    Amazingly Chicken, this doesn't surprise me. I always make a point of reading those evil little nutrition labels on my own personal favorite fast food addictions (2 $1 cheeseburgers and a medium fry from Mickey D's). This way I remember WHY they are so horrible for me, and I don't indulge for another month or so. Also, recently McDonalds foods have been decreasing in size. And fish, unless fried of course, contains almost no fat at all. The size is what gets most people though. Because it would probably take 2 fillet o'fishes to make me feel full. Hence the Bad, Evil, Addiction. But if you can stick with one you're probably fine.

    Like

  4. June 10, 2010 at 4:08 am

    P.S. Ben and Jerry's is really what makes me fat. And unfortunately there is no cure and no substitute for Ben and Jerry's.

    Like

  5. June 10, 2010 at 4:25 am

    Awww, S. Back in the day when I was about your age, my standard McD's order was two cheeseburgers, med. fry, and vanilla shake. About 3 times a week. All these years later and the apple hasn't rolled that far from the tree. Those were the good old days, though. Enjoy them. Insert evil laugh.

    Like

  6. June 10, 2010 at 5:04 am

    Wow…I've never had one. Perhaps tomorrow for lunch I'll find myself in front of McDs. I'll let you know! 🙂

    Like

  7. June 10, 2010 at 10:43 am

    Noelle…Noooooooooo. Don't do it. Stay pure!

    Like

  8. June 10, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Filet 'o Fish is a must have when I am having a migraine attack and have taken medicine that is likely to make me sick. The Fish gets in there and battles with the pill and the fish swallows the pill!

    I especially like the way the bun has absolutely NOOOOOOO fiber whatsoever–just fluffy white bread.

    Makes me want to have a migraine. Wait, did I just say that?

    Oh Chicken, thank you for taking us along on your breakdown and recovery!

    Like

  9. Anonymous
    June 10, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    is it really fish???
    I was on the ocean for years in my days in the USCG and I never ever once saw a square fish. Although they did have these wonderful things called square grouper. Quick everyone google that one. Any way I must say that square Grouper is absolutly delicious.
    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
    Square Grouper!! Now I need some Ben and Jerry's and god damn orios. Beer two! and don't forget the chips and Cheetoe's, the crunchy ones, not the pouffy ones.

    Like

  10. June 10, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    Y'all. S'me. Pearl. You should see Chicken right now. She's goin' through withdrawl. She's convinced Ronald McDonald is stalking her. Tried to tell her it's that Irish kid from up the block but she don't believe ol' Pearl, n'uh.

    Like

  11. June 10, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    Pearl. Dammit. Stop tellin' people that. How'd you get out, anyway?

    BB-they say an addict can always recognize a fellow addict. I just want to say, welcome aboard, Sister. I think I feel a migraine coming on, too.

    anonymous: Its got to be the one and only JE? Square Grouper first, Filet o' fish second. I think it is the natural order of things. I thought you joined the CG to keep the women and children safe while the Marines went off to fight the wars, but now I guess the real truth has come out, yeah?

    Like

  12. June 10, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Not to burst your bubble or anything, but I'm a Catholic girl and we only sacrifice our meat during Lent. We're into sacrifice, not too much sacrifice. So…sorry about that bit of reasoning.

    But, I will say, back in the day, there was no better cure for a hangover than a greasy meal from Mcdonald's. I think their lard is magical.

    And the Filet O fish is a delicious food whatever food it is. I'm not too sure it's fish. What a treat that it has such few calories. Yay for Chicken!

    I used to eat their salads begrudgingly, thinking it was better for me until someone pointed out a cheeseburger has less calories. So, the salad got chucked out the window pretty darn quick.

    Like

  13. June 10, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    All I can hear in my head now is that Filet O'Fish song….”give me back that filet o'fish, give me that fish. What if it were you hanging up on that wall? If it were you in that sandwich, you wouldn't be laughing at allllll…….” make it stop. And then order me a 6 piece chick….I mean filet o'fish…

    Like

  14. June 10, 2010 at 9:53 pm

    Joann-I think the Florida Catholics might be a little different from the RI Catholics. Up here there are people that don't eat meat on Fridays all.year.round. You heard it here first. But just in case…if I were Catholic and it were lent and it was Friday….:-)

    Ninja, I do not think I ever have heard that song. I wonder if it is on youtube. That's right, friend, don't even go there with the nuggets.

    Like

  15. June 10, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    I'm so gonna check the fat content of a triple cheeseburger (my poison of choice) because if that doesnt have as many calories as I thought it does we're gonna start having Maccas for dinner everyday.

    Filet O Fish is actually shark or something isnt it – so technically still fish because it swims in the sea? Though by that logic sea turtles are also fish then. Oh and sea eels. And shells.

    Sometimes my brain hurts when I start thinking.

    Like

  16. June 10, 2010 at 10:52 pm

    Filet-O-Fish, come to mama…cuz we go waaaaaaaaaaay back…

    Like

  17. June 10, 2010 at 11:13 pm

    Mrs. P. Lets make potato chips out of all of it and smash it into a nice butter sandwich. Trying to remember…do you really live in Adelaide? One of my best buds sons is in your neck of the woods. Or soon will be. If you meet Bob Coffey tell him his mother wanted you to tell him to behave himself. Ha.

    Empress-some addictions are life long. It is sad but delicious.

    Like

  18. June 10, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    Yes I really do live in Adelaide. Send me a picture so I know what he looks like in case I see him, so I can pass on the message.

    Like

  19. June 11, 2010 at 12:00 am

    Chicken, am I in trouble if the Country Style Chicken Sandwich from Mickey-D's is my addiction? Because Mrs. P said that eating chicken was serious business to you, but this is a funny place and I'd like to stick around. I have to choose between funny and my addiction, you know where I'm going, right? In any case, I'm seriously out the door right now to get said Country Style Chicken Sandwich (all in caps, it is that delicious). 380 calories. And I'll have the large chocolate shake and fries with that. I'm not even going to pretend that my addiction took me to a 'zone' where I was unconscious of my actions. This is a premeditated act of pure, unadulterated lust.

    Like

  20. June 11, 2010 at 12:22 am

    P.S. I meant to say that I'm not just following the crowd here; my Country Style Chicken Sandwich craving has been coming on since yesterday and I've been reveling in just the thought of indulging.

    Oh, and my husband likes his Filet 'o Fish with no sauce or cheese, just mustard. There's no accounting for taste.

    Like

  21. June 11, 2010 at 12:44 am

    Hi Elizabeth. I love your Avatar. I haven't kicked out Mrs. P yet and she loves to torture me with all her Chicken Eating activities so you are quite safe. Just stay away from my family. Also, I'm pretty sure the chicken at McD's is every bit as genetically altered as the fish. Thanks for visiting and following. I'll be by to check in with you soon.

    Like

  22. June 11, 2010 at 12:45 am

    And your husband. Must be really good looking? Cause. That is just wrong:-)

    Like

  23. June 11, 2010 at 2:03 am

    Chicken, Mr. Bug is really quite attractive. http://emsewandsew.blogspot.com/2010/04/mr-bug.html

    I would be honored if you visited, but my blog is not even close to as funny as yours or Mrs. P's, although I aspire to one day be as funny. I love your letters.

    And I promise to steer clear of you and the little Chickens. No member of your family shall be harmed in my consumption of genetically altered Country Style Chicken Sandwiches from the Golden Arches.
    -E

    Like

  24. Anonymous
    June 11, 2010 at 4:02 am

    Chicken,

    RI Catholics are punking you, as we've not kept Friday “no meat” since Vatican II (1967).

    I love a good Filet O' Fish, especially when it comes in the form of a Quarter pounder with cheese.

    I can't believe you are taunting JE…sleep with one eye open my friend.

    CB

    Like

  25. June 11, 2010 at 10:34 am

    Hey CB. Swear to God I know Catholics who will not eat meat on Friday. Any Friday. And they are not old. Thanks for the information, though, it will be helpful. Did you know about the square grouper? I did not. Pretty funny. Unfortunately, right now, it is probably a touch more imflammable than God intended so I won't be lighting up. Then again, God never intended it to swim, either. Not taunting JE. Just trying to lure him into another story. He tells the best ones.

    Like

  26. Anonymous
    June 12, 2010 at 3:06 am

    Wow, hardcore Catholics you run with chicken…beware of the full-contact genuflect. 😉

    Yeah, I'm steering clear of seafood in general for the time being.

    Oh you're taunting him…especially with the “…thought you joined the CG to keep the women and children safe while the Marines went off to fight the wars…” One. Eye. Open. 😉

    CB

    Like

  27. June 12, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Well, I've since conceded that since it was spring it may have indeed been lent season.
    Okay maybe I'm taunting him a little bit.

    Like

  28. June 12, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    I have a hard time reading posts about fish without making inappropriate references to my vag. I'm all proper like that. *slurp*

    Like

  29. June 12, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    I'll be think of you next time we go to McD's! And Joann is right: McD's is a good spot for a hangover, but so is iHop…. back in the day, of course! ; )

    Like

  30. June 13, 2010 at 4:40 am

    OK Elly Lou, confession time. I mixed you up with another blog that has the word Bug in it. I will forevermore discern between the two. My bad.

    Katie: Oh God, yeah. Hangovers require grease. And back in the day, I did not have an I-hop near by but that is okay because I was never up for breakfast. What I did have was a curmudgeonly Italian Grandma next door that used to bring over the spaghetti and meatballs every single Sunday. Oh yeah. We waited for that sauce like vultures.

    Like

  31. September 1, 2010 at 10:21 pm

    This was just too funny all around! The post and all comments. Just wanted to say that we all need the McBunny sandwich. Did you know that you can starve to death on an all-bunny diet? I am totally confident in Micky D's ability to make bunny taste good to the general US population (the rest of the world already eats bunny regularly as fas as I know and would not be taken aback by a bunny burger).

    Like

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