If You Give a Chicken a Glass of Chardonnay…

Hi World:

If you give a Chicken a glass of Chardonnay, she will probably want another.  Sooner than you think.

If you give her another glass of Chardonnay, she will remember how she used to smoke and how lovely cigarettes and Chardonnay went together.  And she will ask you for a cigarette.

So you will drive her to the store where she can get a pack of life-lived-short.  While she is waiting in line she will notice the chips and feel hungry.  She will load up your arms with three kinds of dip, potato chips, corn chips, doritos and cheese curls.  Then, just in case, she’ll throw in another bottle of Chardonnay.

And if you buy her the cigarettes, the munchies, and the wine, hold on to your hat.  It is going to be a long night. 

On the way home the song “Don’t Stop Believin'” circa 1981 will come on your radio and she will yell, “This is my FAVORITE song.  She will roll down your windows, turn up the volume and sing.  Loudly.

Then, feeling young because of Journey circa 1981, she will stick her head out of your sky roof and yell, with no particular connection but much passion, “I love you Bruce!!!”.  When she comes back inside the car her hair will look like it did in 1981.

And that will remind her of blue eye shadow and cute boys. And she will want some.

At the next stop light, she will happen to look back and notice a convertible full of cute boys.  She will have her head out of the sun roof , just about to invite them back to your place, when you will pull her back down and remind her firmly that she is no longer 18.  Thank God for you.

This will, however, remind her that once she was 18, and she will want to go to your place to look at your old high school yearbook.  There, amongst the cornchips and dip and Chardonnay, she will be hit by a tsunami of nostalgia.  She might weep a little.  And she will want to get dressed up in old prom dresses.

Once you are both dressed in old prom dresses and blue eye shadow, she will want to take a picture.  So you’ll go find your camera and snap a picture of you both. 

While you load it onto her facebook page, she will decide that she NEEDS to hear “Stairway to Heaven”, your prom song, and will search frantically through all of your old cassettes. She won’t find it because that song kind of stunk, but she will find “Jesse’s Girl” and will once again proclaim, “This is my FAVORITE song” while singing loudly and out of tune with traces of orange cheese curl powder around her mouth.

Not pretty.  And you’ve been patient enough.  You will suggest watching “Flashdance”.  Chicken will be all for it.  But first, she will need to rip up one of your sweatshirts and put on a lobster bib.

And chances are, if you give her a sweatshirt and watch Flashdance, she is going to ask for another glass of Chardonnay.

For GG and all my old HS friends.  Looking forward to visiting home.
Chicken out…

  27 comments for “If You Give a Chicken a Glass of Chardonnay…

  1. Anonymous
    July 24, 2010 at 4:21 am

    LMAO! Great post Chicken!



  2. July 24, 2010 at 4:27 am

    Hey CB-thanks. Are you a Glee fan? Check out the CCTR. Hey, that's almost like CCR except for the T. I heard that through the grapevine.
    Okayyyyy. That's enough chardonnay for me for one night.


  3. July 24, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Chicken's back, with ADD. LOL


  4. July 24, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    chicken, you are so funny. love this.


  5. July 24, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    That post made me laugh, yell and say OMG YES all at the same time. Sounds like a typical night out with my girlfriends. Good times, good times!


  6. July 24, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    That was hilarious.


  7. July 24, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    Thanks everyone. Dee, I've always had ADD. Thus the fond memories:-)Hi Dazee-thanks for visiting and look forward to following your blog.


  8. July 24, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    Chicken, you have two choices: get one of those hot tub time machine thingies or stop drinking all together.

    xo -E


  9. July 24, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    Oh, and thanks for the earworm. I can't get that Journey song out of my head. Now I need a hot tub time machine thingy.

    xo -E


  10. July 25, 2010 at 1:48 am

    Hi Elizabeth-Yeah, a hot tub time machine thingie would be fun but I don't think I need to relive all the fun I had back then. I'll settle for the occasional nostalgic moment. A good Journey song here and there.


  11. July 25, 2010 at 1:49 am

    PS sorry about the earworm.


  12. July 25, 2010 at 2:15 am

    “Don't Stop Believin'” circa 1981 – that with wine you can be any age ya wanna be and deny the age you are(GOOD THING IS CHANCES THE OLDER YA ARE YOU PROBALY HAVE ENOUGH IN SAVINGS TO BAIL YORSELF OUT OF JAIL 🙂 LOL!


  13. July 25, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    hahaha-true dat, Scrappy


  14. July 26, 2010 at 3:27 am

    This? Is my favorite post of Chicken's evahhhh! I have been Chicken on those nights of too much Chardonnay. And yeah, that Journey song will make me stick my head out of the freakin' sun roof and sing at the top of my lungs every dang time. Gaaaa, I love you Chicken.


  15. July 26, 2010 at 5:59 am

    Chicken!! Glory Days… You are a wild woman. Hope your night of fun didn't lead to a morning of misery…. and that you didn't pull anything when you put on the sweatshirt and did the Flashdance dance.
    Thanks for the check-in. Still on the hamster wheel, treading water, but it's OK for now.


  16. July 26, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Hi Joann-well thanks and I'm looking forward to hearing about your weekend and how those shoes worked out for you!

    LP-no morning of misery. I make crap up all the time. This is more of a cautionary tale:-) Glad to hear from you and I meant to tell you I love a good feminist rant. I think my next post may be about that, actually:-)


  17. July 26, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    I can't eat cheetos without thinking about orange salamanders. I'm not sure that's related but I decided to share anyway. So there.


  18. July 26, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Delicious as always, Chicken. As you were talking about putting the old prom dress on, though, I clearly saw the scene from “Pretty in Pink” where Annie Potts is doing that exact thing! Good stuff. And, sorry I've been away for so long. Had to make hay while the sun shines (literally) and am just now getting a break to get back to the indoor pleasures of your blog.


  19. July 26, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Oh Chicken, I think we are twin sisters. This made me laugh so hard. Then I got nostalgic for chardonnay and my youth.

    Vegemite on toast is good for hangovers by the way.


  20. Anonymous
    July 27, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    Thanks for the dedication, chook. Love you & can't wait to see you. There will be Chardonney. And snacks.
    (Oh, and faithful readers: the car full of boys, “Hey, follow us home!” thing: TRUE STORY. Color my husband NOT amused. Good thing he loves Chicken, too!)


  21. July 27, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    GG-you could have mentioned that I was 20 and unattached at the time. Wouldn't want anyone to think this took place last week. I have a reputation to uphold. Still, looking back, probably not the best way to secure a date:-)

    QMP-I think I'll stick with filet o' fish as my number one hangover cure:-)

    Bea-nice to hear from you, as always-did you get my email?

    Elly Lou-orange salamanders are pretty. I may have to rethink the cheese curls. Thanks for sharing, though.


  22. July 30, 2010 at 11:07 pm

    I would SO love to hang out with you!
    By the way, I don't think I could fit one leg into my prom dress, so good for you.


  23. July 30, 2010 at 11:26 pm

    Oh, Miss Jill. I made this up. It didn't really happen. Or at least, not yet:-) Not sure I could fit into my prom gown, either. It was a fake gunney sack, btw. But the nostalgia is all real.


  24. July 31, 2010 at 3:00 am

    I am going to give Chicken as much wine as she wants because I would like to see her do the Flashdance dances!


  25. August 5, 2010 at 3:21 am

    How I love you! And how I've missed you! Terribly!!!

    This post makes me think of this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jngZCss76os&feature=player_embedded#! – because of the flashdance reference. Don't mind the foreign subtitles…)


  26. August 9, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    I feel a great affinity for this post, with respect to the fact that after a few glasses of chardonnay, I would be coercing people into ill-advised shots of tequila and random bits of nudity. But definitely singing Journey, and with a face covered in cheetos powder.


  27. August 13, 2010 at 3:52 am

    Hi SS. How are you? It is great to hear from you. I'll have to check out the clip and get back to you on that:-0


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