If You Give a Chicken a Glass of Chardonnay…

Hi World:

If you give a Chicken a glass of Chardonnay, she will probably want another.  Sooner than you think.

If you give her another glass of Chardonnay, she will remember how she used to smoke and how lovely cigarettes and Chardonnay went together.  And she will ask you for a cigarette.

So you will drive her to the store where she can get a pack of life-lived-short.  While she is waiting in line she will notice the chips and feel hungry.  She will load up your arms with three kinds of dip, potato chips, corn chips, doritos and cheese curls.  Then, just in case, she’ll throw in another bottle of Chardonnay.

And if you buy her the cigarettes, the munchies, and the wine, hold on to your hat.  It is going to be a long night. 

On the way home the song “Don’t Stop Believin'” circa 1981 will come on your radio and she will yell, “This is my FAVORITE song.  She will roll down your windows, turn up the volume and sing.  Loudly.

Then, feeling young because of Journey circa 1981, she will stick her head out of your sky roof and yell, with no particular connection but much passion, “I love you Bruce!!!”.  When she comes back inside the car her hair will look like it did in 1981.

And that will remind her of blue eye shadow and cute boys. And she will want some.

At the next stop light, she will happen to look back and notice a convertible full of cute boys.  She will have her head out of the sun roof , just about to invite them back to your place, when you will pull her back down and remind her firmly that she is no longer 18.  Thank God for you.

This will, however, remind her that once she was 18, and she will want to go to your place to look at your old high school yearbook.  There, amongst the cornchips and dip and Chardonnay, she will be hit by a tsunami of nostalgia.  She might weep a little.  And she will want to get dressed up in old prom dresses.

Once you are both dressed in old prom dresses and blue eye shadow, she will want to take a picture.  So you’ll go find your camera and snap a picture of you both. 

While you load it onto her facebook page, she will decide that she NEEDS to hear “Stairway to Heaven”, your prom song, and will search frantically through all of your old cassettes. She won’t find it because that song kind of stunk, but she will find “Jesse’s Girl” and will once again proclaim, “This is my FAVORITE song” while singing loudly and out of tune with traces of orange cheese curl powder around her mouth.

Not pretty.  And you’ve been patient enough.  You will suggest watching “Flashdance”.  Chicken will be all for it.  But first, she will need to rip up one of your sweatshirts and put on a lobster bib.

And chances are, if you give her a sweatshirt and watch Flashdance, she is going to ask for another glass of Chardonnay.

For GG and all my old HS friends.  Looking forward to visiting home.

Chicken out…