Things That I Will Tweet in the Middle of the Night if Santa Brings Me a Smarter Phone Which, For Everyone’s Sake, Let’s Hope He Does Not

Greetings Worldlings,

I’ve been thinking of ways I can stay more connected to you. 

I’d like to stay connected to you like some obscure, ironic and clever hipster greeting card line that you’ve probably never heard of, but if you had heard of it, you would say YES that is exactly the way I want to be connected with.   

I think I’ve found the solution. 

I have trouble sleeping.  To clarify, I have no problem falling asleep-I do that all the time and quite well, but staying asleep is not something I do well.  It recently occurred to me that I could be using this time in a way that is more productive than my current practice of staring at the clock while chanting, “If I fall asleep RIGHT now, I can still get four hours sleep……If I fall asleep RIGHT now I can get 3 hours and 45 minutes sleep….etc.”

I could be tweeting.  I could be tweeting you all night, World, because interesting things happen and obscure, ironic, clever things are thought.  Okay, once in a while something clever is thought.  Technically, I never remember anything remotely clever the next morning, but I do remember the aura of clever things being thought.  I’m sure there is cleverness happening, and I could be tweeting about it.  That’s my point.

Here are some examples of things I could be tweeting at 3 a.m.

  • Which came first, the fork or the spork?
  • Here I am zombies, wide awake and it’s feeding time
  • When littleb was a baby we loved having him sleep with us, but he just took out my right kidney and I don’t love it anymore.
  • R.  You are home.  And here I was just drifting off.  Thank God you woke me up.
  • If I go to sleep RIGHT now, I can still get 4.5 hours sleep.
  • I wonder if Lady GaGa still has that meat dress
  • It would be funny if Suri Cruise wore it to the Oscars in 20 years.  It would be a vintage meat dress.
  • And not to be out done, Shiloh could wear Bjork’s Stork dress.  Bird Vintage.
  • Actually, Shiloh is more likely to show up in Celine Dion’s backward tuxedo and fedora
  • But Celine’s tuxedo is hardly a meat dress, I don’t care how hot Shiloh grows up to be.
  • And let’s face it, she’s probably going to wipe the floor with Suri considering her gene pool, not to mention lacking a congenital propensity for couch jumping.
  • But Suri’s cute.  She is.  And I’ll bet she’s nice, too.  She’ll make some alien a super wife someday. And she won’t have the brother kissing gene, so there’s that.
  • If zombies busted down the door right now, maybe looking for a meat dress, I would give them BigB to eat instead.  That’s what you get for snoring like a herd of elephants, BigB.
  • If I fall asleep RIGHT now, I can still get two hours sleep.
  • Hmmm.  Why did I dream I was wearing Jim Carry’s thong on American Bandstand? That can’t be good.
  • Why is Jim Carry even wearing thongs? And more importantly, is Dick Clark still alive?
  • You would think modern medicine would come up with a better alternative to the spine, right?  Something with settings.  Low setting would make it flexible for optimal sleep and high setting would make it optimal for daytime activities.  If they can come up with penis implants, a bendy spine is clearly not out of the question
  • Pro athletes would have to get a turbo spine version.
  • Or would that be considered an unfair performance enhancement aid?
  • There would have to be pre-Olympic and Tour de France spinal tapping
  • Then all the high school football players in Texas would get Turbo Spines, too. 
  • There would be Turbo Spine crime rings and Spine runners, and backwoods Turbo Spine labs. 
  • The President would announce a war on Spines
  • Chicken WTF?  Shut up about the spines.
  • And wouldn’t it be great if you could unscrew one of your arms so that you could sleep on your side?
  • I wonder what Kate Middleton will wear for the wedding.
  • Maybe a meat gown.
  • I’m hot
  • I don’t mean I’m hot like Shiloh and Suri.  I mean I’m hot like a volcano.  I’m volcanic. 
  • Not to be confused with Vulcans.
  • If I were a Vulcan, my son could, possibly, grow up and marry Suri.
  • And they could jump on couches together. 
  • I’m cold
  • littleb if you do not stop kicking me, you’ll be a zombie snack and never get to marry Suri, I mean it.
  • I’m so tired I could eat a horse.  That makes no sense Chicken.
  • I’m so tired that if I fell asleep right now a horse could eat me and I wouldn’t wake up
  • Better but still kinda stupid
  • Note to self:  Invest early in spine prosthetics

Tonight, World, we’ve established that there will be no clever or ironic tweeting, but still that was fun, right?  Right? 

Pearl Annabelle LaFleur says y’all better pray hard that Santa has better sense than to update my technology.

Okay, if I fall asleep RIGHT now, I can still get 15 minutes.

Good night, World.  Sleep tight.  Don’t let the zombies bite.

Chicken out

  36 comments for “Things That I Will Tweet in the Middle of the Night if Santa Brings Me a Smarter Phone Which, For Everyone’s Sake, Let’s Hope He Does Not

  1. November 19, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    How has your blog escaped me all this time? AAHH


  2. November 19, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    It'd be a Jerky Dress for Suri. Still ew.


  3. November 19, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    Hi Cecelia, I just don't know. I've been on your blog posturing and showing off. Not sure how you could miss a big show-off chicken, but am glad you are here now.

    Elly Lou-I knew that you would have the answer. Zombie bait if I ever saw it.


  4. November 19, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Chicken? I have one word for you: melatonin. OR…some really powerful presciption sleeping pills…they work too.

    Except that if you take the pills we miss this kind of post. And the whole world needs this kind of post.

    Chicken? Forget the sleeping pills.


  5. November 20, 2010 at 1:29 am

    I vote you never sleep again because I like the delusional sleep deprived thoughts you come up with when you're half crazy from lack of sleep.

    You could text me because when you're supposed to be sleeping I'm wide awake and it would be hilarious to get some of these thoughts through my ultra boring work day.

    Except my boss might not like the maniacal laughter eminating from my office. Especially if I was consulting at the time.


  6. November 20, 2010 at 2:53 am

    Hi Noelle: I'd try sleeping pills but pills do not agree with me. Yesterday, I had a reaction to aspirin. I had a headache and I noticed some aspirin on the counter, so I took a couple and 15 minutes later I couldn't stop sneezing and my nose was running like a river. 3 hours later I was fine. True story.

    QIMP: Better yet, I could move in to your guestroom and we could stay up all night talking the stupid talk and killing huntsman spiders.


  7. November 20, 2010 at 6:52 am

    I'm snorting but not because I don't agree with you, but because I do the exact same thing. But I have sleeping pills now. So unfortunately, I won't be able to tweet you back with my own clever nocturnal epiphanies. Sorry.


  8. November 20, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    That's a bummer, Sandra. We could have talked meat dresses and Hollywood children all night long. We could come up with marketing slogans for the turbo spine. This is really disappointing.


  9. November 20, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    Chicken, I am actually in favor of you having the most up-to-date technology because then when I am bored at work or not sleeping here in LA, I can at least be entertained by you. Also, notes on the meat dress: I sort of want like a meat skirt or something because then you could BBQ your clothes for lunch and could then simultaneously be chillin' in your skivvies spreading A1 on your wardrobe. I honestly think that's a great way to bring your food to work – lunch boxes be damned!


  10. November 20, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    AB-I am also intrigued by the meat dress but will start conservatively with a tenderloin necklace. Perhaps I'll add a meat purse or salmon-eye belt later on


  11. November 20, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    Quite possibly – one of the best posts I've ever read. Seriously. You are an insomniac genius. I feel like jumping on a couch, marrying an alien and broadcasting this to the world!

    I am truly sorry you can't sleep. But the world needs tweets like this.


  12. November 20, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    excellent! I myself wrote an entire post this week about ridiculous thoughts I had with a fever.

    Meat and zombies did not work they way into my list.

    But in my defense, I was sick.

    And for Kate's dress, my money is not on meat. Now, in England, especially if they get married in MARCH for god's sake, the dress would certainly keep. But the Queen's a little stodgy that way.

    So, probably something pedestrial and predictable, like silk.


  13. November 20, 2010 at 10:52 pm

    You need Medication. Sleeping Medication, I mean! LOL
    Great post!


  14. November 20, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    Chicken, get some Melatonin, 3mg with B6. Natrol is the best brand and can be had at CVS. They will order it if they don't carry it or don't have it on the shelf.You do know that delusional, sleep deprived thoughts will eventually turn psychotic? Then, you would have posted enough to guarantee you a rubber room.

    My daughter slept with us and kept her feet in my chest and stomach, sometimes patting my face for good measure.ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Then there WERE the kidney kicks! She is 40 and swears I kicked her when she slept with me when she was under 3! Yes, and over three. No amount of reasoning will dissuade her from that.


  15. November 21, 2010 at 2:15 am

    Chalupa, it is plain to me that you and I are cut from the same cloth. It is an asymetrical cut. Thanks-blush.

    Hi Lori-thanks for reading. I'm headed over to read your fever post right now.

    Missy: I need to get my four-year-old out of my bed and suffocate my husband. Just kidding, BigB. But seriously, quit with the 18-wheeler loud snoring. I could also use a multi-setting spine.

    Parsimony-you are indeed practical:-) Melatonin and B6 you say. Hmmm. Couldn't hurt. littleb will probably have similar tales one day, but I don't care. He didn't have to push my head out of a much smaller place. BigB is the one with the real cause for complaints. Sometimes I accidentally “kick” him.


  16. November 21, 2010 at 3:57 am

    Hey Chicken-I would love to get your tweets anytime, but I hope you get some nice sleep soon. I think everyone will feel better. I did enjoy your tweets though. It was sort of like riding a sickening carnival.


  17. November 21, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Hi BB. It was the meat dress wasn't it? I went too far with the meat dress thing.


  18. November 22, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    i would retweet every single one of those. #justsayin'


  19. November 22, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    MommaKiss-thank you. Your retweet confidence is balm to my tortured lower back muscles.


  20. November 22, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    i think willow smith is going to whip suri and shiloh with her hair.

    it's so funny i do that same calculation when i wake up in the middle of the night. yeah, it doesn't work for me either.

    please get a twitter account, please.


  21. November 22, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    Hi Patty-Yes, Willow IS the other player in this Hollywood trifecta, isn't she?


  22. November 23, 2010 at 1:33 am

    I love you. You are a brilliant sleepytime tweeter. Mine are usually just FUCKING FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK STILL NOT SLEEPING FUCK THIS I'M WATCHING ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT FUCK oh, yeah, that's a funny show. Snore.

    XO You are awesomely awesome.


  23. November 23, 2010 at 4:49 am

    and, so why aren't these on twitter?

    because they are so much better than what's being tweeted right now.

    sheer awesomeness here.


  24. Anonymous
    November 23, 2010 at 4:56 am

    Oh – this was good. So funny. I want you to have a smart-phone and an antenna in your bedroom for good reception. Hilarious!
    Tina aka Three In The Bed


  25. Anonymous
    November 23, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    Chicken, I want to sleep with you. Well, not exactly sleep with you but at least be around when you're sleeping. Maybe instead of tweeting, you can web-cam yourself to us. Because I really want to know – do you laugh when you get the urge to tweet about Jim Carrey in a thong? And do you actually say WTF out loud? Chickadees want to know and see this.


  26. November 23, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    Thanks Tina and I'm thinking we have the same problem-too little bed, too many people? Or maybe it is not that way for you. Maybe your bed is a totally different scenario. I'll need to come visit and find out.

    Anonymous: Why thank you. There is no room in my bed and the web-cam is just a very very bad idea on so many levels, but to answer, I do sometimes laugh. Nobody laughs with me, though. I do not say WTF out loud. I worry it might be misconstrued by others who reside in the bed.


  27. November 24, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    I use the time I could be sleeping to watch zombie movies and tweek my zombie apocalypse plan. Last time I couldn't sleep I ended up watching 3 different zombie movies (one of which had TALKING zombies WTH!) which seriously made me queston my zombie preparedness strategies, due to conflicting information, so then I had to develop Plans A-F, accordingly. You'd think that would be enough to wear anyone out, but no. Then my house started making funny noises and I was convinced that the zombie apocalypse had BEGUN. Oy, that was a night.

    Personally though, my problem is falling asleep, not staying asleep. So sometimes I try to sing myself to sleep. Yep. Seriously. I'm partial to showtunes.


  28. November 24, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    Rachel. How can you fall asleep if you are singing? See, that physical impossibility? The one about falling asleep when your mouth is busy? That's why I eat while I drive. But you just reminded me of something very important I had to say about Zombies. I wish I could remember what the heck it was.


  29. November 25, 2010 at 1:19 am

    I hate being hot and then freezing cold, but it's the worst when you're both. Have you had that happen yet? Inside you feel like a furnace about to take off, and yet you also have goosebumps at the same time.

    How confusing…

    Happy you tracked me down on Twitter so I can read more about your friendships with zombies. Happy Thanksgiving! : )

    P.S.—Like the new way your place here looks!


  30. November 25, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Hi Katie! Me and the zombies, we're like that! It's great to be in touch again.


  31. November 25, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    After reading this, “It would be funny if Suri Cruise wore it to the Oscars in 20 years. It would be a vintage meat dress.” I tweeted to myself, “Why have I not seen this blog yet?!”


  32. November 25, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    My word. It's as if we share the same brain!!! But what about the meat purse? How could you forget about that??


  33. November 25, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    Hi Katherine-well, thanks and Happy Thanksgiving. I'm glad you found me. Let's be friends.

    Carri-Gucci is working on the bag as we speak, but I requested bison meat, so it might take a bit:-)


  34. November 25, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    It seems like a problem surfaced from mental habit. You can do anything at any time if you reassure your mind it can.And waking up at 5 a.m. will get you into the habit of starting these trascedental thoughts early, and when you go to bed disappear into rest unless there were a better option previous to sleep.
    Sex is still the best tranquilizer.


  35. November 29, 2010 at 7:03 am

    “If I go to sleep RIGHT now, I can still get 4.5 hours sleep.”

    I do this in my head too. Like right now. If I go to sleep now, I can get 5 hours of sleep. Then I stress myself out. Then vicious cycle…

    Dear Santa, please get this woman a smart phone RIGHT NOW!


  36. November 29, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Yes Santa, Pul-lease listen to Absence. She's been very good this year.


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