A gross story about ears except not really, because then I remembered another story, sort of like an inner ear story….

Hi World:

Two weeks ago, R started complaining about her ear.  It had water in it, it had wax, she was sure there was a tumor, she wanted to cut off her ear just like Van Gogh, etc. 

On and on with the ear drama.  R is pretty dramatic.  I am the opposite of dramatic. 

Well, except when it pertains to me.  Then I’ve been known to get a little dramatic.  In fact, right now, GG is remembering my eye drama of less than a week ago, which she was privy to only because we were engaged in a lengthy e-mail exchange when, frankly, we both had other stuff we should have been doing.  Then, in the middle of the email extravaganza, my eyes got a little wonky and all my drama was unleashed via a series of frantic emails that went something like this:

To:  GG
From:   Chicken
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God I can’t see.  There are prisms.  I have to go check WebMD

To: Chicken
From:  GG
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
Here is a helpful website

To:  GG
From:  Chicken
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
Web MD says I should seek medical attention immediately.  I don’t know what to do. What should I do?

To: Chicken
From:  GG
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
Uh, seek medical attention?
Here’s another website

To: GG
From: Chicken
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
My retina might be detached.  Shit.  And your websites are talking crap about colors.  Stop sending them. I’m not seeing colors.  Forget about the prisms. It’s like….it’s like I’m inside a giant disco ball, and I’m looking out through all the little pieces of glass.  Seeing little jagged edges.

To:  Chicken
From:  GG
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
Is James Frey there?

To:  GG
From:  Chicken
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
Ha ha, yes he is, but he is a little disjointed as usual.  Hey, that was kind of poetic, all that disco ball stuff.  You know, like me living inside a giant disco ball looking out onto the dance floor at all the other people having fun, but I can’t because I’m stuck inside a giant disco ball 20 feet off the ground and I can only watch?  Through my jaded, jagged vision?

To:  Chicken
From:  GG
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
So did you call the doctor?

To:  GG
From:  Chicken
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
Maybe I could blog about it.  Or, or…or….maybe I could write a poem about it and post it on Bob Schneider’s website!!

To:  Chicken
From:  GG
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
NO!  Stop posting crap on Bob Schneider’s website before you get arrested.  That’s just general advice.  No charge.  Now focus.  (haha, get it?)  What’s happening with the eyes?  Do you need to go to the hospital?

To:  GG
From:  Chicken
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
Oh, it is going away now.   It has moved from the center to the sides. I suppose that is my retina peeling away.  So help me flesh out this disco ball thing.  Okaaay….I’m living in a disco ball….what do I seeeeee?  Oh!  There’s a guy in a John Travolta suit, only he’s wearing it in an ironic way, sooooo….it must not be the 70’s….And, oh, oh, look over there!  It’s a giant penis!  Oh wait.  No, it is just Piers Morgan.

To:  Chicken
From:  GG
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
So we’re in Williamsburg?  You’re stuck in a disco ball at a hipster party in Williamsburg?

To:  GG
From:  Chicken
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
Hmm.  Don’t think so.  The ironic statement thing has gone too mainstream. 12-year olds are drinking Pabst and wearing over-sized glasses.  The Williamsburg crowd is probably wearing things woven from grass now.  And probably in a very earnest, socially responsible way.  A way that we’ve never heard of.  I’m thinking we’re probably south of Boston or something.  Yep!  Definitely Boston.  See that douche dressed like a Kennedy?  Oh wait, that is a Kennedy.  Sorry Mr. Kennedy!  Oh, hey-you are drooling a little…yeah…right there….ok you got it. It’s gone.  No, I’m busy tonight but maybe never?  (wink/shrug).  Okay, see ya then Doll.

To:  Chicken
From:  GG
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
And Chicken…Look over there!  To the left and behind the Giant Penis, yeah, is that…is that….trans-gender Barbara Streisand????  God, she needs to get a new manicure.  Long nails are so out.
Wait.  Stop.  Chicken.  How are your eyes?

To:  GG
From:  Chicken
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
Ha ha ha…look…..Kennedy and the Giant Penis are both hitting on Barbara….I think the GP might win this one…

To:  Chicken
From:  GG
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
Chicken!  Focus!  (snort).  Enough with the disco ball.  Your eyes-are you ok?  Are you still blind?

To:  GG
From:  Chicken
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
What?  My eyes?  Oh, yeah, I think you’re right!  He IS pretending to be Jackson Browne.  Oh, look, he’s trying to rev up Barbara with the Kennedy, hahaha. 

To:  Chicken
From:  GG
Subject:  OMG OMG OMG
I tire of you Chicken.  Let me know how it works out with the eyes.

And back to R and her Ear…where was I….
Finally, after a couple weeks of picking up q-tips all over the house, left over from R’s pitiful attempts to dig the tumor out of her ear, I relented and took her to the clinic.

The doctor said “What’s the problem?”

R said, “My ear hurts (and I probably have an ear tumor)”, so the doctor looked in her ear.  And then he started laughing and called all of the nurses over.  And then they started laughing.  So R started laughing because she does that when she’s nervous (instead of saying, “Hey, why are you laughing, my ear hurts- that’s not funny assholes”). 

Then the doctor took out his doctor tools, reached into R’s ear, and plucked out a…..

q-tip.

And then R said, “wow, I feel better”.

The End.

Except it is NOT the end, because the nurse didn’t want R to be embarrassed, which was really nice of her, or maybe she was just trying to be the center of attention because nurses can TOTALLY be like that, right AN?, and she told R that once she pulled a cockroach out of somebody’s ear.

And that is why I am still up, World, because a nurse pulled a cockroach out of some one’s ear and it reminded me of a book I read about a tiny spider that crawled into a guy’s ear while he was sleeping, took up residence there, and slowly built a web all over his brain, but not before making him really miserable, not to mention crazy in a totally, “Heeeerrreee’s Joooohhhnnny” kind of way.  I can’t remember if that book was based on a true story.  But I think it might have been.

Now I can’t sleep.  F’ng spiders are always ruining someone’s day.  Have you ever noticed that?

Anyway, R is better and I’m not blind, so there’s that.  Sleep tight, World.

Chicken out

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  25 comments for “A gross story about ears except not really, because then I remembered another story, sort of like an inner ear story….

  1. February 23, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Oh God…I so needed to find out someone else in the world is crazier than I am today. This post completely put my life in perspective again.

    Glad R's ear is all better. And that you're not blind. But watch out for those spiders.

    Like

  2. February 23, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    The fear of living inside a disco ball twenty feet above that party is pretty intense. I don't know if that or the spiders are worse.
    No that's a lie.
    Spiders are definitely worse.
    I used to think that earwigs did that until I realized I was probably making that up because some genius decided to put the word ear in their title.
    Regardless bugs of any kind in ears = seriously bad times.
    Glad R is better now.
    Love the email exchange. 🙂

    Like

  3. February 23, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    omg, I want to be your email buddy. honestly. no wonder you are a princess *wink, wink*

    Like

  4. February 23, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    This was hilarious. I am sending HOB over to you. You all could have quite a good time being hysterical about medical matters.

    Like

  5. February 23, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    I will sleep with earplugs in from now on. Or for a while, and then I will forget why I am sleeping with earplugs in and I will stop. So will you repost this in a few months? Thanks.

    Like

  6. February 23, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    LOL. and not cheap crap imitation acronym kind of LOL, the real L.O.effin' lol.

    This was adorable.

    I want to know you in real life.

    I adore you.

    Like

  7. Anonymous
    February 23, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    Chicken obviously has no respect for my mad reference skilz. I can find information on any topic faster than Charlie Sheen can speed dial a hooker. Is it my fault she can't describe her symptoms accurately? A disco ball? Really? That's what you're going with? WTF.
    GG 🙂

    Like

  8. February 23, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    Whatever you smoked….I want some.

    er….my friend wants some

    I…er…she like disco lights

    Like

  9. February 23, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    I have an earache. Now I'm wondering what insect is it. Thanks.

    Like

  10. February 23, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    Yes Chicken, nurses are always trying to be the centre of attention! So glad you are fully aware of that and will never try to steal one's thunder 'cause if you do, the nurse (and I'm not saying it's me) might turn into a right nasty bitch.
    As for you and your eyes, I was totally thinking 'detached retina!' And yes, I was also thinking that you should have been contacting a doctor not emailing GG, who by the way, is as hilarious as you are.
    Oh, and spiders? Thanks for the effin visual.

    Like

  11. February 23, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    Just this morning, I was worried what is in my navel. I guess I came to the right place. No, I don't know why my navel hurts. But, I suspect something crawled in there and is eating me up from the inside now. Well, it could.

    Like

  12. February 23, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    My cuosin once lost lodged a marble in his ear because he was trying to run it around the whorls. I have dreams where spiders are dropping from the ceiling to land in my mouth. Now I'm probably going to have one of those tonight. Goody.

    And your disco ball sounds like the aura I get right before a full blown migraine hits.

    Like

  13. February 23, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Ah! You said 'wonky'! My husband hates it when I say that word… and I don't like being tickled!

    That reminds me of the time my mom couldn't figure out why my brother's ear infection wasn't going away and we took him to the ER. So, my mom always pours garlic and myrrh oil into our ears and plugs it up with a cotton ball when we get an ear infection. After a few minutes and some irrigation later turns out my brother's cotton ball got shoved down into his ear. My mom was so embarrassed. The doctor shrugged and said: “I see stuff like this all the time, at least the Garlic kept it from molding.” Ewwww!

    Like

  14. February 24, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    can i ride in your giant disco ball with you?

    Like

  15. February 24, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    Hi all, sorry I have been remiss with my comments. @Punker, you can definitely come along. The more the merrier. @Ashes-so glad you got your award finally. Doctors see a lot and your mom sounds pretty smart. @Rachel marble in the ear? Did he have big ears? Sorry about the dream. My bad. @PracticalP-oooh, sore navel? What have you been up to leer/wink:-) That's not even funny, I know. Navels are just leftovers, not a sex organ. Not sure why I said that. @Daffy ok, you, me and PP in the disco ball. Fun times! @Empress-thank you. You know I adore you, too, right?
    @Elizabeth-hi there, you. I have it set up-the link will be automatically mailed every 2.5 months. Hope it helps. @Betty-if HOB comes you have to come too. We need someone practical over here! @Dazee-I'm still getting used to the idea. Princess Chicken. Can't wrap my head around it! @wandering-it is always so lovely when you take time from your travels to visit. Maybe you could wander over to my disco ball sometime. @Mrs. P. Oh, there are many people crazier than you, but none of us sews as nice of a quilt!

    Like

  16. February 24, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    @Cecelia so sorry. I told you it was gross.

    @GG What can I say? I'm a creative. For the record, I finally called the eye doctor today, and they seemed to totally understand. Of course, that will change once they meet me. Thanks for doing your best and talking me through it.

    @AN-I called the doctor today-my eyes still hurt. But your comment talked me into it. You are a great nurse even if you do have to be the center of attention:-)

    Like

  17. February 25, 2011 at 2:35 am

    I had one of those crazy I'm going blind prism blindness extravaganzas and it turned out to be a visual migraine and I had to get BIFOCALS. Hi, I'm wearing my velour tracksuit and heading off to the early bird special.

    I get lots of ear infections. Lots. And I end up with filled up ears and worry excessively that I've got something horrific in my ears. Glad to hear that R is much better after her Q-tip-ectomy.

    Like

  18. February 25, 2011 at 4:41 am

    I am an ER nurse and I've seen things. Trust me…

    Like

  19. February 25, 2011 at 11:26 am

    @Suniverse-let me get my slippers-I'm coming too. I love that jello they have with the little pieces of fruit inside.

    @Kimberly-Do tell! Please?

    Like

  20. February 26, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    Like

  21. Anonymous
    March 1, 2011 at 5:44 am

    Chicken,

    Dr. CB thinks you have what is called “floaters”.
    From the Mayo Clinic:
    In most cases, the floaters eventually settle down to the bottom of the vitreous cavity out of the line of vision. In rare instances, eye floaters can become so numerous that they significantly interfere with your vision.

    Eye floaters are most noticeable when you look at a plain bright background such as a blue sky or a white wall. They can be a nuisance, but most people learn to ignore them.

    When to see a doctor
    Most people have a few floaters bouncing around inside their eyes. But you should contact an eye specialist promptly if you notice a flood of new floaters, especially if you also see flashes of light or lose your peripheral vision. These painless symptoms could be caused by a retinal tear, with or without a retinal detachment — a sight-threatening condition that requires immediate attention. Even waiting a few days can result in permanent loss of sight.

    Glad R is feeling better.

    CB

    Like

  22. March 2, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    Hi CB, how are things. Thanks for looking into this for me. I do have floaters-I've had them for a long time. I think this is something a little different, but maybe they are just getting more prolific. Not sure, but I did make an appointment. I enjoy seeing things.

    Like

  23. March 3, 2011 at 6:44 am

    Earmuffs! Earmuffs! (Thanks for ruining one of my favorite moments from the movie Old School…)

    Like

  24. March 3, 2011 at 6:45 am

    If you are going to see a doctor, I guess this means the problem did not go away? Sorry about that… Anyway, lay off the 'shrooms before the appointment in order to get an accurate diagnosis. You're welcome. Just 'cause I love you. That's all.

    Like

  25. March 4, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Oh Emm Gee – love your writing! And I get it with the hypochondria cuz you never know when that weird hair is, like, a harbinger of doom. And you can never overreact about the ear – I've been seeing an ENT guy since OCTOBER for an ear infection…

    Like

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