If I could save time in a bottle, I’d probably drink it by mistake so why bother?

Oh.  Well.  Hi there.

And where the hell have you been?  Oh wait.  That’s your line.

First of all, let’s all just lay our cards on the table and agree that the title of this post makes no sense at all.  I know, ok?  I’m rusty. It’s been awhile.  You don’t take a month off, come back, and start tossing down awesome titles.  Well, maybe if you are someone else you do, but someone else probably doesn’t go walkabout for a month, either.  Do Australians still say that?  Did they ever say that?  Mrs. P are you there?  Crikey.  That’s a big knife, Mrs. P.

Okay I’m done.  Unless you have an alligator that needs to be wrestled for no apparent reason.

Now I’m done.  Let’s move along.  So welcome baaack.  This is my blooogggg.  This is where I write, like, all my personal thoughts and feelings and oh, just whatever comes into my mind, like really random stuff, you know….

Well, that’s interesting. I seem to be channeling Paris Hilton now.  Great.  That’s just great.  If Brittany shows up, I’m leaving.  This automatic writing thing is for the birds.  Other people channel dead poets and playwrights.  I channel vapid socialites and feisty old black women.  No offense Pearl.  We have a lot of fun, we do.  Especially when you drive.  But just once, I wish I could channel someone profound.  Like Gandhi Or Elvis.

Anyway.  What I started to write about, what I MEANT to write about before the voices took over, was my sad time perception disability.

Sometimes I get up in the morning and I think, gee, it would be nice to go for a walk.  But then I don’t because, you know, a walk around the neighborhood is going to take a half hour and I have stuff to do, like drink this coffee and read junk mail.  Maybe tomorrow, I think.

But one day, I did.  I did go for the walk.  And you know what?  It is amazing how far you can walk in ten minutes.

This, friends, is the story of my life.  I think that everything I need to do, or should do, will take longer than it actually does so I put it off for the day when I have more time, except that day never seems to come.

Cleaning out the spare bedroom takes roughly 1.25 hours, as I recently discovered, but I was saving it for a day when I had approximately 234 hours to spare.  Imagine my pleasure at all that time I had left over?  That might have been the day I went for the walk, come to think of it.

Paradoxically, the things I want to do seem to take much more time than I anticipate.  Dinner with friends?  Sure.  I tell BigB I’ll be home by 8:30 pm.  BigB knows I won’t be home until 10. Watch five episodes of NY Housewives-sure, that’ll take about 1/2 hour.  I have time.  Stop at the Shell station for gas?  No way, I’m running late. And I’m quite sure that stir fry takes at least two hours to make.  I don’t care what those iron chefs say, stir fry is not quick.  All that chopping?  Are you kidding me?  Getting the stuff out of the fridge?  Putting it back?  Finding all the little bowls to put all the different chopped up stuff in?  Oh.  And then you have to cook the rice, too?  Come on.  That’s not a walk in the park, mate.  That’s a commitment.  Put a ring on that stir fry and call the minister.

This illogical mindset carries over into the workplace.  My work day starts at 8:30 am.  I like my job.  I try to get there early.  Invariably, I am 10 minutes late.  This is because if I have to leave at 8:00 am and I am all ready to go at 7:50, I will decide to change my clothes, or clean out the dishwasher, or start a load of laundry, or look for something I don’t need but that has just crossed my mind as something I haven’t seen in awhile.  I do this because in my own warped mind I am ahead of schedule.  But in the process of doing this one small thing that I know I can finish, I will completely lose track of time and forget that I even need to go to work.  At 8:10, I will look up from the article I am reading about making my own floor wax that I just came across in a nine-year-old Martha Stewart magazine that I found in the bottom of the box I was looking in because I thought the other thing I was looking for that I don’t need but haven’t seen for awhile might be in there, and I will yell, “Shit. I’m late!” When I get to work, I’ll say to my boss, “God, that littleb is slowwww as molasses”.  The sole reason I had children is so that I could blame them for all the times I am late.  My boss knows better but he won’t say anything because he knows that at 4:20, ten minutes before my day ends, I will start looking for one more thing to do and be there another half-hour.  Really, my time perception disability is working out quite well for him.

So time plays tricks on me.  I really have no internal clock.  I have no internal GPS, either, for that matter, but that’s a story for another day.  As Thoreau once said, “Time is but a stream I go a-fishin’ in”.  It is also the same stream that, incidentally, I will look for shiny rocks in, stick my toes in, skip stones across, and take a nap by.  In my mind, it’s all good.  I have all the time in the world except for the times when I have no time at all.

Have you ever noticed, by the way, that the busiest people, the people who should, by some law of physics, have the least amount of time, are the ones who accomplish the most.  Oh you know who you are.  You people are gods to me.  Word.

You know who else seems to have a lot of time on her hands?  Martha Stewart.  Make your own floor wax, indeed.  Is she insane?  I don’t have time to wax my floors, Martha.  I have at least 4 back issues, circa 1989, in this box I just found that I have to read first.  After I’ve learned how to make solar origami paper lanterns and hand carve miniature gourds into adorable christmas ornaments, then maybe we can talk floor wax, okay?

I’ve missed you guys.  I’ll be by to visit soon.  I can’t wait.

Chicken out

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  35 comments for “If I could save time in a bottle, I’d probably drink it by mistake so why bother?

  1. June 2, 2011 at 5:04 am

    Welcome back! I just checked your blog earlier today to make sure I hadn't missed any of your posts!

    Like

  2. June 2, 2011 at 6:04 am

    I WAS the person who could accomplish more than any three other persons on any given day. NO MORE! People marveled aloud. I just thought they were lazy but did not let on. That would have taken too much time. My sister had no internal clock. She once decided to make banana pudding for a holiday and took six hours to do so. She even used instant Jello pudding! Her perception of time took a serious hit somewhere.

    Like

  3. June 2, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    I love it when you say, “chicken out.”

    Makes me laugh everytime.

    Good to see you.

    So, I often wonder..since I get SO LITTLE done, if I'm lazy? Or just adult ADD???

    Like

  4. June 2, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Hi Noelle-how are you feeling? Oh it's so good to be back.

    Hi Practical-well, it's not laziness per se, just an unwillingness to do things one has no interest in doing that should be done. Wait. Is that laziness? Okay, I'm lazy. Maybe you got your sister's share of the time perception. I've noticed that's usually the way it works out. My sister's very organized and up to speed on everything and me, not so much.

    Empress-I love it when you visit me. ADD has a lot to do with my dilemma, but you know what? ADD is just a label, and not one I prefer. If I'm going to don a label, I would prefer Creative Mistress of the Universe, but I can't get anyone to call me that. Well, sometimes littleb, but it costs me in m&ms and I do not think it is sincere.

    Like

  5. June 2, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Welcome Back, Chicken!!!!! We've missed you!!!!

    Gotta go make up a new batch of floor wax….

    Like

  6. June 2, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Don't tell anyone, but I love that song.

    I have a mountain of laundry in the spare room. I just know it's going to take an aentire day to put it away, and I don't have an entire day to put away laundry! It's so much quicker to dig clean underwear out of the basket!

    Like

  7. June 2, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    Betty!!! I'll bet when you are done you will make cookies and write a letter to your favorite aunt. Teach me, Betty. I'll be your grasshopper.

    Rachel. I'm feeling very understood and safe right now. Thank you for that. I won't tell anybody that you love that song.

    Like

  8. June 2, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    I'm never ever on time to work. I'm either an hour early or so late I'm early for the next day. Awful.

    Chicken reader out [heh]

    Like

  9. June 2, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    I'm just glad you weren't culled, Chicken. You have been missed!

    Like

  10. June 2, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    THANK GOD YOU'RE BACK I MISSED YOU SO MUCH I CAN'T EVEN BRING MYSELF TO PUNCTUATE CORRECTLY. Also I love Jim Croce and now I have “Time in a Bottle” in my head, and I'm okay with that. Thanks, Chicken!

    Like

  11. June 2, 2011 at 11:47 pm

    Momma Kiss-we are kindred sister spirits.

    Poppy-thanks. I wasn't culled. I had a close one at the intersection of Main and I don't give a fuck, I'm crossing anyways, but I made it to the other side.

    Average Broad. Aw, thanks AB. I love Jim Croce, too. Operator is my favorite. I'm glad I left you with a good song in your head, though. If I had left you singing Delta Dawn I would have felt really bad. Oh. sorry.

    Like

  12. June 3, 2011 at 1:08 am

    Dude today…yeah I just called you dude…today I thought I'd clean the windows then one window, a walk and a dinner later I'm left wondering what the fuck happened to my day. In retrospect I did a whole lotta nothing. Stupid time.
    Welcome back.

    Like

  13. June 3, 2011 at 1:46 am

    God, it's about time you came back to the world of the living. Don't ever do that again.

    Like

  14. June 3, 2011 at 1:46 am

    Kimberly-I know! It's amazing. isn't it. There is all this time and then suddenly there is none, and you've been busy the whole time, you think, but in retrospect what the hell have you accomplished? You validate me, Kimberly. Thank you.

    Like

  15. June 3, 2011 at 1:50 am

    Oh Dazee, you are giving me the eye again. The walkabout is not a planned thing, Dazee, it just takes you and you really. Honest. Ok. I won't. Just stop lookin' at me like that.

    Like

  16. June 3, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    It takes me four hours to leave a comment. Such a time suck. True story.

    Like

  17. June 3, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    way to come back big! “crikey. that's a big knife, mrs. p.” bwahahaha!

    also, i do the exact same thing in the morning before work. i have some kind of auto-obstruct programming that keeps from arriving to work on time. i don't intend it, i swear, but it's inevitable.

    Like

  18. June 3, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    I tend to be surprised if I run on time because I always try and fit one more thing in and I never add on travel time or bathroom breaks.

    I like that we're the same.

    XO,

    S

    Like

  19. dbs
    June 4, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    I look for shiny rocks too.

    Like

  20. June 4, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    dbs-I have bowls of rocks all over my house. It is one of the weird things about me, and now everyone knows it. Isn't the internet great?

    Suniverse-me either! I also never leave time for getting lost, which happens quite often. I like that we are the same too.

    Punker-next I'm going to go get some feather extensions. Yeah. Come with?

    Ellylou-well you do leave great comments. I'm sure they take some thought. Plus there is all that dumpster diving to get done.

    Like

  21. Anonymous
    June 6, 2011 at 3:49 am

    Chicken,

    Was really worried you had become trapped under something heavy (although obviously not worried enough to call or write 😉 ha ha!) Also, briefly concerned you'd been caught up in “Weinergate”…but eventually realized you would not soil your pristine feathers with such debauchery. (Guess who got a thesaurus for Mother's Day?!?!?!?)

    Seriously, glad to see you are back on-line. Great post–was so engrossed in your latest post that I missed what the emergency broadcast airing now was all about. Hope it's nothing serious…

    CB out

    Like

    • December 12, 2014 at 2:11 am

      CB-was just re-reading this post and realized I spelled Gandhi wrong. So embarrassing. And it’s just been sitting here for 4 years. And I know you, so I know you noticed. Why didn’t you TELL ME WOMAN???? I rely on you for these things.

      Like

  22. June 6, 2011 at 4:01 am

    CB! Hi. I love that word “debauchery”. It is so elegant and naughty. Makes me want to go debauch something right away. So there is an emergency broadcast? I hope it doesn't have anything to do with earthquakes or the rapture. My personal theory on the rapture is that it did indeed happen on May 21 only we all suck so none of us got taken up to heaven and now we are all living the end of days. Sweet, aren't I? Pay no attention to me and do not expose me to your children.

    Like

  23. Anonymous
    June 6, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    oh little Chickie how I missed you. while you were out shaking your tail feathers I never wandered. I knew you would be back.

    Like

  24. June 6, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    I had a new car and good house lined up for the Rapture. But, I had the same sort of thought–no one was good enough. Well, there is probably and old guy living in a cave that no one would miss that got raptured. I don't want his cave. Oh, internet has messed up time, big time. Hours can pass in the wink of an eye.

    Like

  25. June 7, 2011 at 2:10 am

    Anonymous. I am kind of like that cat, I guess. The one that keeps coming back

    PracticalP-aw-sorry your plans fell through. That guy lives in Vermont, right? Or is it the outback?

    Like

  26. June 10, 2011 at 4:41 am

    Chicken! Yes, you have most definitely been missed. I love that you bust out your come-back post quoting Thoreau. And channeling Paris. Not many people are that talented.

    PS – please send me a bottle of time, I'm in desperate need

    Like

  27. June 10, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    Oh Chalupa, for a minute, I thought you said bottle of wine, and I thought, I can do that, I'll hand deliver but then I remembered the Thanksgiving arrival and re-read. Sadly, a bottle of time is much harder to come by but I will start hoarding and try not to drink it, ok?

    Like

  28. June 12, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    Glad you're back, woot woot! Yes, during your absence I became a “woot” girl!
    Know what lulls you into thinking it won't take a lot of time but actually sucks up your whole entire day, possibly daysssss…scrapbooking. I don't go near it unless I have A LOT of time….and I don't even like it that much. That's how addictive it is.

    Like

  29. June 14, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    Hi Sandra, thanks for the heads up on scrapbooking. I will resist it now with all my might. Like blogging does not eat up enough time, right?

    Like

  30. June 14, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    Oh! And Woot Woot!

    Like

  31. November 7, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    hahahahaha
    Oh how I can relate to this……

    The other day I convinced myself that my fall should be filled with homemade soups galore because they are healthy and I want to make sure my ass looks decent on Christmas. There is no real reason behind this, I just decided my ass needed to look good on Christmas, and this lead to the homemade soup idea.
    Which lead to a visit to Martha Stewart's website.
    Which lead to the conclusion that all of my homemade soups should be made with homemade chicken stock.
    Which lead to me purchasing an unhealthy amount of raw chicken necks at the grocery store-to the point where the cashier stared at me for several minutes as she watched package after package of mutilated necks pass her on the conveyer belt…
    Which lead to me making two giant pots of homemade chicken stock
    Except it was really just one pot because I got hungry halfway through and used one pot to make noodle soup with while the other one stayed on the stove
    Turns out noodle soup isn't filling
    So I ended up making popcorn and falling asleep on the couch
    Which meant that the other pot of stock evaporated completely by the time I noticed (it was a lot of popcorn and ok—some wine too)
    Which resulted in zero chicken stock available to save
    Resulting in zero homemade soups
    Which is how I wasted an entire weekend

    Like

  32. February 16, 2015 at 7:17 pm

    This was my favorite line: “You people are gods to me. Word.” I just didn’t see that last word coming. Really hit my funny bone. Thank you for being brilliant!

    I can totally relate to your time issues. I think Einstein himself never actually said, “Time is a relative, the crazy uncle no one understands.” Or anything even remotely like that.

    Talmage
    http://www.storiform.com

    Like

    • February 16, 2015 at 10:38 pm

      I imagine Einstein might have said something similar, like along the lines of “It’s time to go. I’m late for work”, but he said it to his crazy aunt, who may have misinterpreted slightly. Ironic, isn’t it, that the crazy aunt was so astute?

      Liked by 1 person

  33. February 17, 2015 at 4:00 am

    Yes, indeed. Didn’t he marry her or something? I forget. His second wife was related to him somehow. A second cousin, probably.

    “Time draws flies.” That’s a direct non-quote of Charles Darwin.

    I’m just saying.

    Like

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