I’m About to Glamour You….

Hi World,

I’ve been keeping a list of supernatural skills I would like to have.

Time Travel is right up there on my list.  If I could just find one of those multi-dimensional portals, I would go to the past and fix some things. I would go to the future and learn something new to bring back to the present.  I am pretty sure that Steve Jobs found a portal back when he did all that LSD (allegedly). I’m  willing to bet it had something to do with an apple falling on his head.  Or was that a different guy?  If you see any portals floating around,  could you tweet me?

Traveling at the speed of light would be handy.  For one thing, it would be super fun to play ping pong all by yourself.  I think the most practical use of this skill would  be annoying people you do not like under the guise of assisting them.  You could constantly get to the door a half second before they do and open it for them. Then you could bow, tip your pretend hat, and say, “After you”.  How disconcerting would that be after the tenth time? Sure, they might threaten to call the police, but what are they going to say?  “This person keeps opening doors for me and I don’t like it!”? Bwa ha ha ha ha.

Today, there was a young twit with big black sunglasses beeping her horn behind me at an intersection.  I assume she was annoyed because I wasn’t pulling out into traffic quickly enough for her.  If I could  travel at the speed of light,  I would  have gotten out of my car, drawn a mustache on her face with a black sharpie marker, dumped her no fat, espresso shot, extra-sugar, vanilla extra extra ice coffee in her lap, and left her sitting in her car wondering what just happened.

My favorite supernatural power to possess would be glamouring.  If I could glamour people, I would start with my husband.  “BigB”, I’d say, “Listen very carefully.  You love doing laundry and you are a fabulous cook, but even more than cooking, you enjoy tidying your home and playing Stratego with littleb.”  And then I’d  move on to TWLITB and littleb:  “Boys”, I’d tell them,  “Listen to me.  When you wake up, you will never again question your mother.  You will keep each other amused and occupied at all times.  You will play Stratego with BigB.”

Once I’ve freed up my schedule, I’ll start glamouring people for the good of all mankind.   I’ll glamour us right into world peace.  And then I’ll make everyone share their possessions and help each other.  I’ll suggest we all grow things without pesticides and learn how to can and preserve.  I’ll put together a committee of people to deal with global warming and other environmental issues.  We’ll all ride bikes and walk everywhere.  At night, we’ll sit around fires all over the world and famous people will play their guitars or their sitars or what have you and everyone  will roast home made marshmallows over the fire as they sing along. It will be the biggest freaking hippy commune ever.  And no one will ever honk their horn impatiently ever again.  But sometimes we will still draw mustaches on people with black sharpie markers because, hey,  that’s just good, clean fun.

What supernatural power would you like to have?

pretty sure Andy Cohen just glamoured this woman

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Chicken out