I’ve decided to be famous. What the heck, it’s Wednesday.
No, I haven’t suddenly become skilled, good looking or intelligent. There’s nothing about me that screams “A Star is Born”. Not gonna let it hold me back. It didn’t hold back those toothless guys from Duck Dynasty, or Honey Boo Boo’s entire family, or any number of bored housewives.
I’m pretty sure fame is attainable with the right PR agent. In my case, it’s going to have to be a super talented one because I really don’t have a lot of time to invest. Some people know people who know the right people. Others network and go to casting calls. I don’t know anyone and I’m way too lazy to network.
I’ve thought of a few different angles my PR agent should consider in developing my new, more interesting persona. First, I enjoy interacting with the world via these Chicken files. That could be useful My agent could spin me into some uber-cool, mysterious recluse blogger who in real life is talented, famous, wealthy and possibly the secret love child of Bob Dylan and an associate professor of romance languages from the University of Oklahoma..
The second card up my sleeve is that I’m nocturnal. I know! Nocturnal is so trending right now. These days, I cover up my nocturnal behavior by never posting anything before dawn. There are people out there who want to do bad things to me. I try to throw them off my trail. Can you picture it? Nocturnal supernatural blogger living in exile. That is so me. You know, I may be from Prague. That’s a spicy place to be from.
Finally, I am descended from a long line of farmers. I’m not sure if you have noticed, but farmers will soon be replacing chefs as the new blue collar celebrities. Right behind Red Necks. I can’t, personally, grow a dandelion, but it doesn’t really matter. The blood doesn’t lie. Put me in a house dress, give me a basket, and take a close up of my cankles; I wouldn’t even need a fucking herb garden to get my own Food Network pilot.
So let’s recap. I want to be famous without leaving my house or engaging in work-like activities. My three angles are:
1. Reclusive love child of Bob Dylan blogging anonymously
2. Nocturnal supernatural exile with ties to the House of Rosenberg
3. Descended from farming royalty, has the cankles to prove it, looks damn fine in a house dress.