Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch: Socks. They Resent You

If you live in a less temperate climate, like New England, you may have recently noticed that the nights are getting chilly.  It’s time to go through your closets, pull out those sweaters, and possibly shop for a new pair of boots.  Good luck with that.

My favorite thing to do, when I return home on a chilly fall night, is to pull on a pair of socks.  For me, there is nothing like their soft, cottony warmth after a long day in hosiery.  I only wish my socks returned my ardor.

A couple weeks ago, I retired my flip flops and called my socks back from their summer vacation.  The problem with socks is that they never want to come back from summer vacation. I think many teachers must feel the same way at the end of the summer; however, they can usually be relied upon to put down their summer reading, store away their beach chairs, and spruce up their classrooms. Then again, teachers collect a pay check.  The only thing socks collect is dead skin cells.  Perhaps this explains their saturnine personas and selective hearing.  While socks have no problem hearing the phrase “Summer Vacation”, they do not seem to recognize the phrase “Summer’s Over”.

My socks wouldn’t emerge from my drawer of their own volition.  I had to hunt them down and pull them, one by one, from the tangled nest they had constructed in the dark recesses of my bureau.

I lined them up and addressed them like the little foot soldiers they are. 
Well looky what we got all up in here.  A bunch of  soft, girly socks!  Did you have a nice summer off, socks?  Did you enjoy lounging in my drawers?  Did you get all rested up?  I hope so, cause it is fall now, bitches, and Momma’s home.  This year is going to be a little different, you hear me?  I am not buying new socks every other week just because 7 of you decide to hitch hike to Orlando in the neighbor’s suitcase.  You are not even close to retirement age, and Florida doesn’t need the burden of unnecessary footwear.  They have enough problems with pythons. In addition, I expect to find you available and hole-free whenever you are on call.  And you are always on call.  There will be no workers comp for injured socks this year.  I’m wearing you anyway, but first I will stick needles in you, over and over again, and infiltrate your holiness with cotton reinforcements.  And you clever socks?  The ones who like to divide and conquer?  Listen closely: I will destroy you.  I will hunt you down and  turn you into sock puppets.  I will clean my bathroom with you.  This ain’t no democracy, socks.  This is my house and you serve at my pleasure. Do we understand each other?  

Socks are okay, but you have to let them know who’s boss; otherwise, it is two against one all day long.

Of course, socks hate this imbalance of power.  You can’t really blame them.  In their minds, you are one mouthy head,  obviously inferior to a pair, and they can’t help but wonder how they ended up on the bottom of this equation, stuck between your feet and a hard place.  They are constantly trying to unionize or plan a mutiny. Luckily for us, they are divided among themselves and find it difficult to agree on a cohesive plan of action.  They will try all kinds of things to escape indentured service, including shrinking to barbie doll size, escaping through dryer vents, and committing harikari on that nail head sticking out of the floor in your hallway….

I feel sad for socks sometimes, but if it comes  down to socks or my cold  feet, my cold feet are going to win every time.  Succumb socks.  Or pay the price of betrayal.

Chicken out

Ha.  Take that socks!  By the way, does this remind anyone of Hyperbole and a Half?

  23 comments for “Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch: Socks. They Resent You

  1. September 27, 2013 at 11:14 pm

    Excellent – but you neglected to mention the horrible, horrible agony of socks that creep between your toes, lie lumpily under them, or pull so tight your toes form into a pointy triangle … and let's not even think about the sock tops that lose their elastic and pool around your ankles, nor the ones that are so tight they cut your circulation off and/or cause a blood clot … omg I will have nightmares tonight


  2. September 27, 2013 at 11:14 pm

    Sock puppet – Hyperbole and a Half – Yes!


  3. September 27, 2013 at 11:30 pm

    I miss H.5. Where'd she go? A friend of mine came up with an excellent term today. Knee muffins. Sort of like muffin top only with knees. My personal nightmare is the little hole right around the pinky toe area. Socks really are kind of passive-aggressive, aren't they?


  4. September 28, 2013 at 2:25 am

    Those darned socks. Where are you people buying your socks??? I only wear white crew socks. They are reliable and extremely shy. They never leave home and you always can make a pair.


  5. September 28, 2013 at 11:02 am

    Holy crap, I can't read this stuff so early in the morning, not while I am sipping peach herbal tea and rubbing my barefeet on the carpet. I snorted and laughed out loud. You have a writing knack. I do hope you are published or considering it. Your snarky tone is exactly what's in demand over at Not Your Mother's Book. Check out Publishing Syndicate; there are lots of titles in development.


  6. September 28, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    Hi SS. I have some socks like that, and I have found that they are the most reliable and decent of socks. I also have some hoity toity troublemakers, though. They have to be kept in line. You make your own socks?


  7. September 28, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    Hi Linda, I hope you didn't snort your tea, but I am happy I made you laugh:-) Thank you for the encouragement-I will definitely check out these resources.


  8. Jen
    September 28, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    Hey, maybe you would catch more socks with honey. Just smear some on your tootsies …. nevermind.


  9. September 29, 2013 at 1:13 am

    Haha. Jen, my socks might get more in line if I would just groom my toe nails more often. I'm sure if they ever manage to unionize, there will be a toe grooming clause in their contract.


  10. September 29, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    oh, how i have missed your take on life. this is perfect. i think my dresser has eaten a third of my running socks, by the way. maybe they're on their way to orlando with yours! ; )


  11. September 29, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    I hate wearing socks. I hate it.


  12. September 29, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Thanks Katie and likewise:-) Maybe we should just move to Orlando and forget about socks altogether. Except…pythons.


  13. September 29, 2013 at 5:07 pm

    Ragemichelle say it ain't so! I love my socks


  14. September 29, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    This was brilliant!
    I'd like to expand upon that but I'm still laughing!


  15. dbs
    September 29, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    Recently, I noticed I was wearing two different socks. You made me realize it was the socks' fault, not mine. (Hyperbole and a half was the best.)


  16. September 29, 2013 at 11:04 pm

    Hook! No, YOU are brilliant. Please come back and expand away! Thank you for visiting.


  17. September 29, 2013 at 11:05 pm

    Absolutely, DBS. Totally. The other sock (the one with the stripe across the toe?) is probably already in Orlando.


  18. September 30, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    “Foot soldiers.” 😛 What a fun post! I'm more of a fan of woolen socks, but to each their own.


  19. October 1, 2013 at 3:04 am

    I don't mind socks but I hate when they get all dingy and dirty. Then I feel like I need new socks.


  20. October 1, 2013 at 11:46 pm

    Hi Jerimi, I like the woolens. I don't like the woolens that hitch hike to Florida.


  21. October 1, 2013 at 11:47 pm

    Hi AMDL-I know what you mean. Doesn't stop me from wearing them out but still, I love the feeling of new socks!


  22. October 7, 2013 at 5:07 am

    I freaking love socks but I definitely either lose *one* of a pair or one of them gets a hole… I think I need to develop some sort of revolving schedule of how to properly wear my socks on alternating feet or something.

    And now I will stop procrastinating on the internet and go downstairs to turn the damn heater on.


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