Chicken’s Loyalty Program

We here at the Chicken’s Consigliere would like to say thank you for being a loyal reader.  We know there are a lot of blogs out there, and we are honored….

Wait.   What did you say?  You’re not a loyal reader?  You’re just looking for a good chicken casserole recipe?  Oh!  Welcome!  Are you a member of  our loyalty club? Would you like to join?
In the style of great brands everywhere, we would like to buy your loyalty.  Here, have some points!  We’re literally sprinkling points everywhere, see them?  Get them!  Grab some pretty sparkly  points why don’t ya.  Here’s a thousand points for your e-mail address, which we will litter with urgent calls to action, each and every day.  We’ll give you ten thousand points every time you click our link.   Refer us to a friend, we’ll give you 25,000 points.  If that friend leaves their favorite blog and swears fealty to the House of Chicken, we’ll reward your friend with 100,000 points and a lifetime Golden Egg membership.

We here at Chicken’s Consigliere are literally paving your way across the road with points, points and more points.  Why?  Well, that’s the million dollar question, isn’t it?  
What can you and your friends buy with Chicken Points?  Let us tell you about our membership benefits.  You can trade 50,000 points for an imaginary stay in the imaginary luxury accommodations of your choice.  Just think, you can imagine yourself by a beautiful pool or waterfall or stone fireplace (your choice!!)  You can sip imaginary cocktails while imaginary fairies, cowboys and naughty minxes anticipate your every need.  
You can also trade Chicken points for magic carpet ride points to anywhere in the universe.  That’s right-we’ve teamed up with Sir Richard Branson, who’s starting a magic carpet ride service to go along with his airline, rocket ship, and submarine services.  It’s not just a magic carpet ride.  It’s a Virgin carpet ride. 
You’re a saver not a spender?  You’re a Blog Warrior who spends 211 days a year reading blog posts?  We salute you!  With the points you’re earning, you’ll reach Golden Egg status in no time.  You’re basically God in our blogosphere. You can buy a blog posting on any subject you choose and Disney will build a theme park to go with it. We’ll send you your own Iron Throne.  And a dragon.  Not only that, but every time you stop by our blog, you’ll have your choice of bottled water OR 500 extra Chicken points.  
Here at Chicken’s Consigliere, we strive to exceed your blog expectations.  When you complain that our last blog post was trite and distasteful, we’ll cough up an extra 5,000 points for your wasted time.  We’ll upgrade you to top commenter  just because your imaginary towels weren’t fluffy enough.   Oh no!  Did you lose the link to our website and miss our last blog post?  That’s totally our fault. Please, accept these 50,000 extra points and a personal letter of apology from the Chicken.  And, by the way, should you ever feel inconvenienced or disappointed in our blog, please, call Mr. Chicken’s office and let him in in on your hurt and disappointment.  We can’t improve unless you tell us where we’ve failed.  And believe me, we are prepared to reward you mightily for being that squeaky blog cog.  We believe in nothing more than the entitlement of our loyal members.  
We’re not just a blog. We’re family.   In fact, we love you more than your family.  Does your family give you 40,000 loyalty points because your throat is sore from yelling about your lost phone charger?  The one you lost?  No?  Didn’t think so.  They don’t care about your  charger or your sore throat.  They’re rolling their eyes at you.  So are we-but here’s 40,000 extra points AND a bottle of water, just for your outrage.  Please accept our apologies.  We’re sorry you lost your phone charger.  Totally our fault.
Chicken out
Disclaimer:  We are not rolling our eyes.  Not even a little bit.  Disney will not build you a theme park, nor will we send you an iron throne.  We do not own any dragons. Dragons are pretend.  Surely, you knew that.  Sir Richard Branson is still working on the magic carpet prototype. He’s going to be really annoyed with us for letting the cat out of the bag. This is going to cost us a lot of points.

Disclaimer II:  Just to be super clear, there are no points.  And we don’t know Sir Richard Branson. It pains us to admit it. 

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  18 comments for “Chicken’s Loyalty Program

  1. April 11, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    You need a bar code for your page so we can snap it with our phone to get to your App. You dont have an App? Every good loyalty program needs an App. I dont know why, they just do. Maybe we can track our points and progress towards the Grand Prize Chicken Dinner at your place.

    Like

  2. April 11, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    SS!! Winner Winner Chicken Dinner, hahaha. I want an App now. Sadly, I am ill-equipped for app building. Good to hear from you. I've missed you.

    Like

  3. April 11, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    That was fun!

    Like

  4. April 11, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    You goofy broad. 🙂

    Pearl

    Like

  5. April 11, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    What do you mean, there are no points here?!

    I get so tired of the points game. People need to get a $1 calculator at the dollar store and figure out just what those points are worth. What our parents said was right: there's no such thing as a free lunch!

    Like

  6. April 12, 2014 at 4:45 am

    No points? No points? Then what's the point?

    Well you made me laugh.. that'll do. 🙂

    Like

  7. April 12, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    Yes, it was! I love giving points to all my friends.

    Like

  8. April 12, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    Glass houses:-)

    Like

  9. April 12, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    That's all I wanted, Hilary, but I'm giving you a million points because, guess what, you're my sixth visitor!!!! Yay! Just think of the imaginary places you can go with a million chicken points. Congratulations!

    Like

  10. April 12, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    I get a 100 emails a day because I am constantly signing up for these things. I work for a hotel chain you've probably heard of and the entitlement mindset of our members is a daily annoyance but also the subject of much hilarity. We get blamed for everything from lost items to declining credit cards, and we smile and give more points. Whatever works.

    Like

  11. April 12, 2014 at 9:26 pm

    Couple questions from a potential valued customer:

    1. How many Combined Cumulative Chicken Points (hereafter CCCP) to get a feeling of well-being?
    2. Bliss?
    3. Ecstasy?

    Will they be redeemable at other blogs? I'm thinking of when I've said snarky things and want forgiveness.

    Is there a tangible manifestation of CCCP's? Something like green stamps? Or bitcoins?

    Like Janis Joplin, I wait for delivery, each day until 3…..

    Perhaps I've missed the deadline….

    Like

  12. April 13, 2014 at 6:05 pm

    I think you are onto something here. All of us other bloggers better be working on our own programs to offer better perks than your program. (although..the competition might be fierce as you seem pretty generous with your points.

    I will be putting lots of exclusions pertaining to the redemption of my points. They can only be redeemed at off-peak hours. That is 12;01 AM the 2nd Tuesday of odd months…perhaps. While I think my “prizes” might be generous and free there will be shipping and handling costs yet to be determined.

    Like

  13. April 15, 2014 at 11:24 pm

    I don't want points. I want those old-fashioned gas station-type stamps to put in a big book and then lose. Please.

    Like

  14. April 17, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    SFM-
    1. Depends on the CCCP rewards member, really.
    2. Same
    3. We can't provide ecstasy. We're drug free here.

    No, I'm afraid they can only be used at CC. Because we really want you to stay here. You have other blogs???

    Hmmm. interesting question. Magic 8 Ball says….”Not Practical”. Probably because these points are as imaginary as the possible rewards you can reap.

    I've deposited 80,000 CCCPs into your loyalty account. That's an imaginary ride on a yellow submarine, just for instance!

    Like

  15. April 17, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    Cheryl-exclusions suck. There are no exclusions in my program. Imagine a program with no exclusions, and there you have it, my loyalty program that pays you in imaginary experiences with NO blackout dates. Ever. That's a promise.

    Like

  16. April 17, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    Oh No Can Do Suniverse, I only deal in the imagination. How else can I provide dinner, drinks and hashish with John Lennon on short notice for just 400,000 points?

    Like

  17. April 17, 2014 at 6:06 pm

    I would like a kajillion points for being awesome. Thanks.

    Like

  18. April 17, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    DONE!!!!

    Like

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