Me: On a Diet

The day before the diet:  No sugar, no dairy, no wheat, no problem! It’s just 14 days, right?  I can do anything for 14 days.  That’s it!  I’m totally going on this diet.  Tomorrow. First, I have to watch all the videos about the diet, post them on face book, buy 45 pounds of fresh produce, buy some cute new clothes in my future size and drink all the wine in the house.

Two weeks go by: 45 pounds of once fresh produce are emptied from the vegetable bin.

The day before the diet (take 2):  Oh. My. God. These can’t be my fat pants.  And where are my feet?

Day 1:  This is the most boring diet ever. Water. And more water. And celery. Oh, hey, look, a thumb-size portion of salmon and 4 cups of raw cabbage!    

Day 2:  Dr. Oz is a raging psychopath.  Sure, he looks nice.  Ted Bundy looked nice. I haven’t lost one bloody pound.  I hate this diet.  I hate Dr. Oz.

Day 3:  What I could do is, get tickets for the show, disguise myself as a harmless elderly person, and then when that psychotic bastard makes his entrance, I could leap onto the stage, smash him in the face with my purse, then run up the middle aisle and be out of the building before anyone has time to react.  That would show him.  Why hasn’t someone already thought of this?

Day 4:  Or I could kidnap him, tie him up in my basement, and force feed him donuts and wonder bread for three months.  Then, when he’s fat and hooked, I’ll feed him nothing but water, celery, and the occasional 6 ounces of chicken. See how he likes it.

Day 5:  I could just eat him…

Day 6:  Remember when we could have wine?  Remember cheese and crackers? Oh oh oh, remember that chocolate fudge birthday cake that time? Good times.

Day 7:  If I were rich, I would buy my own liposuction machine. I’d suck all the fat out of my ass and inject some into my cheeks. Then I’d send the rest to Dr. Oz.  In a red wagon.

Day 8:  If I were rich and had my own liposuction machine, all of the housewives would want to be my friends, except maybe Lisa Vanderpump.  Her house probably has its own liposuction salon.

Day 9:  Lisa’s liposuction salon probably employs mean, ridiculously attractive millennials who’ll make up the cast of the next Bravo reality show, Vanderpump Hoes.

Day 10:  I mean Hose.

Day 11:  The next person in this house who asks me, “What’s for dinner?”, is going to get pistol-whipped with this bunch of celery.  They’ll be like, “Hey, Mom, what’s for dinner?”, and I’ll be like, “Oh, hey, meet my leetle friend! Smack. Smack. Smack.”  That’s what you get for being able to eat potatoes.

Day 12:  I could make a documentary about dieting.  I’ll renovate a Winnebago and travel cross country interviewing people on diets.  The cinematography will be stunning; the narrative, life-changing.  I’ll dedicate it to Dr. Oz.

Day 13:  In the movie version of me making a movie, Nicole Kidman can play me.  I’ll hang out on the set. We’ll eat broccoli and chia seeds together.

Day 14:  If I film part of my documentary in Hawaii, and I’m invited to a luau, I won’t be able to eat anything but the pig.  I’ll bet that’s considered bad form.”Oh, hey, Aloha, where’s your pig?”

Day 15:  It’s probably not that easy to get a Winnebago to Hawaii anyway, which is too bad because I LOST 10 POUNDS.  I would look stunning in a muumuu.  If Bruce Springsteen saw me in a muumuu, he’d probably write a song about it.  And sing it at the luau.  Then we’d sit in a corner by ourselves, eating all the pig.

Day 16:  Mmmmm Wine.

2 weeks later:  Whaaaaa?  Who inflated me????  And where are my feet?

You can have the fruit.  I’ll take the pig.


  21 comments for “Me: On a Diet

  1. April 24, 2014 at 10:24 pm

    Snort! That's for the pig.. and your funny account of a diet. I'd so share that wine with you.


  2. April 24, 2014 at 10:41 pm

    I would be happy to share it with you, Hilary, except I drank it all. deprivation does not bring out the best in me!


  3. April 24, 2014 at 11:04 pm

    Just steer away from prepared products and eat basic food and you will be GREAT!

    Wine is good too 🙂


  4. April 24, 2014 at 11:08 pm

    Is cheese wiz a prepared food? Cause that might be a deal breaker:-)


  5. April 24, 2014 at 11:41 pm

    I was doing well, too, until Easter. Pie and pb chocolate eggs, how I love thee. And hate thee. And love thee.

    Here, grab my hand and let's climb back on the wagon together.


  6. April 24, 2014 at 11:44 pm

    If you get all of your followers to mail you ten bucks each maybe that would be enough to buy a fat-sucking machine. If not we could have a really great party at my place.


  7. April 25, 2014 at 2:49 am

    Pig…bacon….shoot. I'm starting a pretty strenuous 14 day challenge diet next week, and I'm sure I gained weight just looking at the picture of that pig.


  8. April 25, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    Fruit is overrated. That apple in the pigs mouth did nothing for him.


  9. April 25, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    Another brilliant and funny post. It's probably a very healthy diet, but …


  10. April 25, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    I've thought about a diet occasionally, or just waiting for those sansabelt pants to make a comeback.

    While I consider, I think bacon, eggs and toast will suffice for breakfast.


  11. April 25, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    I can't reach it Jenny….I…just…can't….quite…reach. You go on without me…I'll just finish this wine and catch up with you…


  12. April 25, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    Don't tell Hilary I still have more wine. She'll want some


  13. April 25, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    That's a really great idea, Kerry. I vote for a fat sucking machine AND a party at your place. And wanting it all is the very top reason why I am not a good dieter.


  14. April 25, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    Are you really? Which one? I did the Dr. Oz rapid weight loss diet. I have to admit, it works and I feel great-sleeping better, no cravings..basically everything that he promised. The problem is I do not see it as a long term option. I'm thinking of instituting a cheat day. Today might be the day.


  15. April 25, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    You know, I never did get the apple…


  16. April 25, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    Thanks AC. I think it is a pretty healthy diet, overall. I never realized how many opportunities there are every day, though, to consume carbs and sugar. A lot. Everyone eats them. Everyone wants to share. It says a lot for humanity but it's not helping me one bit.


  17. April 25, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Ha. I had eggs for breakfast. Toast is fantasy food. I used to fantasize about Brad Pitt. Now I fantasize about Italian Toast and creamy, unsalted butter.


  18. April 26, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    I feel ya sister. I feel ya.
    The Veganry is over with and I've already found 8 of the 18 pounds I lost. I swear it's the cheese… or it could be the dozen cookies Jex and I ate last weekend. (^_^)


  19. April 28, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    I think I have tried 98 percent of every diet that was ever thought up…but I might of missed that one. 45 pounds of produce, no dairy and no wheat. Clearly a sadist thought this up. There was a time that I was willing to drink three protein drinks a day in lieu of food and call it good but I am less diligent these days. I am on the high protein, low carb version of deprivation these days.


  20. April 29, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    Oh yeah? What made you give up on it? I found some good cookies that aren't too awful for you-Kaashi makes them. They have lots of nuts and whole grains.


  21. April 29, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    Yes! Clearly, a sadist. This was the first real diet I ever went on where I actually made a conscious effort to stick to the plan. And, to give the devil his due, I feel better, I look better, I sleep better, I don't have as many aches and pains and I do have more energy. I know if I resort back to my old diet, it will be a short-lived victory, so I'm trying to stay with it with the occasional cheat thrown in for fun. We'll see how long I last:-)


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