She would be like Siri, but with a fashion sense. Maybe we could call her Jane. Doesn’t that seem like a nice name for an app?
Oh, I can hear you thinking, out there, don’t think I can’t. “Surely you already know what’s in your own closet and what goes with what?” To that I would answer, “Have you met me?” Most of you haven’t, so allow me to illustrate. I have little sense of style and multiple personalities. I buy clothes completely on impulse. Some days my gut says, “I’m a pirate”, and other days it says “I’m sporty”. For quite a few years, my gut insisted I was a Cub Scout. It’s no wonder my closet is confused. Have you ever seen a sporty pirate? I mean, I can almost see it….maybe a plaid kilt-like tennis skirt with a laced up, flared sleeve shirt, paired with an eye patch and classic Tretorns, for instance. My gut says fabulous. My common sense tells me this is not a good work look. I’m also practically color blind. Have you ever seen a sporty pirate wearing a black heart on her t-shirt? Oh, you think, she’s being an ironic sporty pirate, but she’s not. She thinks the heart is red. She’s feeling flirty. Ironic sporty pirate; kind of twisted and cool, pair with some heavy black eyeliner and send her out the door. Leaving the whole mutton dressed as lamb issue behind for a moment, it could work if she was internally channeling Marilyn Manson instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Of course, like all things fashion-related, it is only a matter of time before Jane begins mocking me.
“Jane”, I’ll command, “I need an outfit for Saturday night. It’s date night.”
To which Jane will respond, “How about pajamas accessorized with Ben & Jerry’s like all your other date nights?”
“No, Jane, I really think it’s going to happen this week. We’re actually going to go out. On a real date. I can feel it in my gut.”
“Is this the same gut that told you to buy the bateau neck sailor’s shirt last week? The one that made you look more whale than sailor? I wouldn’t listen to that gut.”
“There was a hurricane warning in effect, Jane. I was just being practical. Can we focus on Saturday night? I’m thinking dressy casual, but not like I tried too hard. Look Jane. I pinned this on Pinterest. This could work, right?”
“If you hadn’t also pinned 20 pounds to your ass, maybe.”
“Jane, that’s unkind.”
“What? It’s not like I pinned 20 pounds to your ass, Darling.”
You know what? On second thought, maybe I’ll just keep winging it. Who needs the scrutiny.