Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch: Closet Tech

Late adopter that I am, I’ve just only recently  discovered the  usefulness of apps.  I’ve got a fitness app, a running app, a financial app, real estate app, and don’t get me started on all the educational  apps I’ve downloaded.

It would be nice to have a personal shopper app.  An app that would shop my closet, pulling together looks that never would have occurred to me.  Unlike most personal shoppers, whose primary mission is to spend all your money, my app is like a classy, stylish, environmentally concerned friend; the friend who rolls her eyes when I complain I have nothing to wear,  throws open my closet door, rummages through hangers, occasionally pulling things out and tossing them on the bed.  She’ll bark at me to try this and that together with the nude pumps and, oh, look, we can take this old ribbon and these bottle caps and spray paint them gold to make a statement necklace.    Then she’ll smirk at me and say, “By the way, Chicken, why do you have bottle caps in your closet?  That seems bad.”, and I’ll say, as I struggle to tuck in a shirt tail, “Never mind that, where the hell did the ribbon come from?”  She’ll study me as I stand before her in the appointed outfit, tapping her index finger to her lips, finally declaring, “No, no, not like that, like this.”  She’ll yank here, pull there, and voila, there I am, suddenly presentable.  Fashionable, even.

Wouldn’t you pay for an app like that? 

She would be like Siri, but with a fashion sense.  Maybe we could call her Jane.  Doesn’t that seem like a nice name for an app?

Oh, I can hear you thinking, out there,  don’t think I can’t.  “Surely you already know what’s in your own closet and what goes with what?”  To that I would answer, “Have you met me?”  Most of you haven’t, so allow me to illustrate.  I have little sense of style and multiple personalities.  I buy clothes completely on impulse.  Some days my gut says, “I’m a pirate”, and other days it says “I’m sporty”.  For quite a few years, my gut insisted I was a Cub Scout.  It’s no wonder my closet is confused.  Have you ever seen a sporty pirate?  I mean, I can almost see it….maybe a plaid kilt-like tennis skirt with a laced up, flared sleeve shirt, paired with an eye patch and classic Tretorns, for instance.  My gut says fabulous.  My common sense tells me this is not a good work look.  I’m also practically color blind.  Have you ever seen a sporty pirate wearing a black heart on her t-shirt?  Oh, you think, she’s being an ironic sporty pirate, but she’s not.  She thinks the heart is red.  She’s feeling flirty.  Ironic sporty pirate; kind of twisted and cool, pair with some heavy black eyeliner and send her out the door.  Leaving the whole mutton dressed as  lamb issue behind for a moment, it could work if she was internally channeling Marilyn Manson instead of Marilyn Monroe.

Of course, like all things fashion-related, it is only a matter of time before Jane begins mocking me.

“Jane”, I’ll command, “I need an outfit for Saturday night.  It’s date night.”

To which Jane will respond, “How about pajamas accessorized with Ben & Jerry’s like all your other date nights?”

“No, Jane, I really think it’s going to happen this week.  We’re actually going to go out.  On a real date.  I can feel it in my gut.”

“Is this the same gut that told you to buy the bateau neck sailor’s shirt last week?  The one that made you look more whale than sailor?  I wouldn’t listen to that gut.”

“There was a hurricane warning in effect, Jane.  I was just being practical.  Can we focus  on  Saturday night?  I’m thinking dressy casual, but not like I tried too hard.  Look Jane.  I pinned this on Pinterest.  This could work, right?”

“If you hadn’t also pinned 20 pounds to your ass, maybe.”

“Jane, that’s unkind.”

“What?  It’s not like I pinned 20 pounds to your ass, Darling.”

You know what?  On second thought, maybe I’ll just keep winging it.  Who needs the scrutiny.

Chicken out

  4 comments for “Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch: Closet Tech

  1. July 11, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    You know, I've been reading about these very things for the past two years on the internets – the combinations of closet contents into fabulous outfits, not the app – and the only conclusion I've come to is that those who must wear uniforms are the lucky ones.


  2. Anonymous
    July 13, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    I have a great deal of nostalgia for the cub scout phase. Especially when the cub scout uniform was accessorized by a purple Crown Royal pouch as pocketbook. Because nothing says “I'm a rebel” like a whiskey toting cub scout. -GG


  3. July 14, 2014 at 10:31 am

    Hi Jenny-Oh I have a uniform Black yoga pants, t-shirt, old wool sweater, flip flops. In the winter, I trade in the flip flops for socks. If only I could wear my uniform to work….


  4. July 14, 2014 at 10:33 am

    GG – haha. That's true. I never thought of that. I still have that crown royal pouch. It holds scrabble letters now. Less rebel, more intellectual? I think not.


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