Ladies and Gentlemen..
Welcome to the first ever Cuteness Championships. After weeks of eliminations of such embodiments of cuteness as kittens, cheerleaders, capri pants with sailboats, chinchillas and mini-coopers, two finalists have been selected to battle it out for the heavyweight title of World’s Cutest. It’s a big belt to fill, my friends. Let me introduce you to your champions.
In this corner, weighing in at just 19.5 pounds, meet the Baby! That’s 19.5 pounds of blue-eyed, fine-haired adorableness. And she’s just starting to walk and talk. Can you take it? I’m not sure I can, ladies and gentlemen.
And in this corner, weighing in at 32 pounds, meet the Puppy! He’s a four month old golden lab, folks, with a bright bandana around his neck and paws too big for the rest of his wriggling, tail-wagging body. This is one tough competitor, folks.
Are you ready to rumble?
DING DING DING DING…
The baby is toddling, Oh. My. God. how cute is she, oh oh oh, she’s going to fall, nope, she’s found her balance and she’s off, waving shyly at the elderly couple in the first row. They are smitten, that’s Baby 1, Puppy 0
Oh, but Puppy has jumped onto the lap of a young man eating a cookie and he’s stolen the cookie and gobbled it down before the young man could even take a bite. The crowd is going wild! I’m not sure how the baby can salvage this one. The fight may be over quickly today, but wait…
Oh man, the baby has spotted the cookie and is crying because she doesn’t have a cookie of her own. Oh look at that sad face, look at that little tear rolling down that pink cheek. HOLY SMOKES, I can’t believe it, people are falling over themselves to give the baby a cookie. What a come back by the Baby. Carrie, I’m glad you could join us today. How do things look down there on the floor. Can you believe this fight?
No, I can’t, Mike, we knew it was going to be a battle but I don’t think anyone expected the cuteness these two are rolling out today. Aw, look at her smiling, she’s got four little teeth in there….
Wait, what’s this? What’s happening now? The Puppy has spotted the Baby. Here he comes….I don’t believe it, the Puppy has snatched the baby’s cookie. The crowd is going nuts! Is the baby crying? No? The Baby’s laughing. Oh look at that, she is. She’s trying to hug the Puppy and he’s licking her face. The crowd is on their feet. The referee is stepping in to separate the two…What? What just happened? Carrie, can you see what’s going on from your position?
I can Mike, and I’m not sure how the judges are going to call this one. The referee attempted to separate the two competitors but they refuse to be separated…the Puppy ran between the referee’s legs, tripping him, and now the Baby is chasing the Puppy, chattering wildly. She’s gotten a grip on his tail and they appear to be wrestling on the floor. There’s chortling and licking and barking happening. The crowd is out of control. It’s pure mayhem! Back to you, Mike.
Thanks Carrie….it looks like the ref has regained his footing and has blown his whistle. The crowd is calming down. And….Oh my gosh, I think we have a decision by the judges….
What? Can you believe this? The judges have announced that the match is a draw. There is no possible way they can choose between a baby and a puppy. Each are impossibly cute on their own but together? Together, they are unbeatable. The Cuteness Championship goes to the Puppy AND the Baby, as a unit.
And this, folks, is a historical moment.