If you are looking for an ally in your weight redistribution-hiding-in-plain-sight scam, go talk to your Spanx, sweatpants and peasant blouses. Your turtlenecks don’t want to hear it. Your turtlenecks are hanging out by the water cooler wearing disapproving frowns.
Call it what you want, they are thinking, camouflage, sleight of hand, distraction, it all comes down to lying and lying, they want you to know, is wrong. They’ll have no part in your plan to deceive the public. You’ve earned that muffin-top, Lady, and they’ll not be compromising their integrity to protect your image.
One of them turns to the other and says, “If she spent as much time exercising as she does trying to camouflage her waistline, she wouldn’t need the camouflage.” For the record, it was the bright blue one. The size small. That one was a sanctimonious pain from the very first day. When she found out her new owner was clearly a size medium, something in her snapped and she’s been the ringleader of the turtleneck holier than thou gang ever since. The alpha turtleneck. Let me give you a little advice: When turtlenecks go bad like that, the only thing you can do is set them free to find a new home. With any luck, this one will find a new home with a size -3 pre-teen, and your turtleneck drawer will simmer down. Turtlenecks aren’t inherently bad, they just think of themselves as second skins. They aspire to more. You wouldn’t tell your skin to lie about your potato chip addiction, they reason, so why should they?
Your safest bet is the black turtleneck. The black turtleneck wants to be bad in an Olivia Newton John as Sandy from Grease kind of way. The black turtleneck wishes it were a plunging v-neck, or better yet, a black leather bomber. Of course, it still doesn’t want to be seen on you. You weren’t what it had in mind. It had in mind someone with a much longer neck. Still, of all the turtlenecks in your wardrobe, this one is the most likely to provide you with the warmth you crave and the camouflage you need.
So do yourself a favor. Stick with the black one. And find a nice jacket to pair it with. A jacket who will show it the ropes and help it be the naughty little minx it longs to be.