Fashion is a Two-Faced…..: Turtlenecks Won’t Lie

If you are looking for an ally in your weight redistribution-hiding-in-plain-sight scam, go talk to your Spanx, sweatpants and peasant blouses.   Your turtlenecks don’t want to hear it.   Your turtlenecks  are  hanging out by the water cooler wearing disapproving  frowns.

Call  it what you want, they are thinking, camouflage, sleight of hand,  distraction, it all comes down to lying and lying, they want you to know, is wrong.  They’ll have no part in your plan to deceive the public.  You’ve earned that muffin-top, Lady, and they’ll not be compromising their integrity to protect your image.

One of them turns to the other and says, “If she spent as much time exercising as she does trying to camouflage her waistline,  she wouldn’t need the camouflage.”   For the record, it was the bright blue one.  The size small. That one was a sanctimonious pain from the very first day. When she found out her new owner was clearly  a size medium, something in her snapped and she’s been the ringleader of the turtleneck holier than thou gang ever since.  The alpha turtleneck. Let me give you a little advice:  When  turtlenecks go bad like that, the only thing you can do is set them free to find a new home.  With any luck, this one will find a new home with a size  -3 pre-teen, and your  turtleneck drawer will simmer down.  Turtlenecks aren’t inherently bad,  they just think  of themselves as second skins. They aspire to more. You wouldn’t tell your skin  to lie about your potato chip addiction,  they reason,  so why should they?

Your safest bet is the black turtleneck. The black turtleneck wants to be bad in an Olivia Newton John as Sandy from Grease kind of way. The black turtleneck wishes it were a plunging v-neck, or better yet, a black leather bomber. Of course, it still doesn’t want to be seen on you.  You weren’t what it had in mind.  It had in mind someone with a much longer neck. Still, of all the turtlenecks in your wardrobe, this one is the most likely to provide you with the warmth you crave and the camouflage you need.

So do  yourself a favor.  Stick with the black one.   And find a nice jacket to pair it with.  A jacket  who will show it the ropes and help it be the naughty little minx it longs to be.

Chicken out

aniston

Jennifer gets it

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  12 comments for “Fashion is a Two-Faced…..: Turtlenecks Won’t Lie

  1. October 11, 2014 at 1:20 am

    First, let me ask if there isn’t some way to bypass the having to put in email, etc. every time? Just curious, not that I really am pressed by time….
    Anyway, regarding turtlenecks….I assume this was aimed at women? I’ve known/seen men in those that I’d think it applied to also.
    I have no idea what to say regarding wearing them, I had no idea that anyone still wore them. I don’t see them, but it’s Butte, so….
    I think I last wore one skiiing, maybe during the Johnson administration. There are no pictures to prove otherwise, to my knowledge.
    I’d also like to say/testify/pledge this has nothing to do with the neighbors holding up crucifixes recently, that’s just an aberration unique to the area. Me waking up in front of the fireplace curled up on the rug after a period of time I can’t recall has no bearing.
    Where was I….
    Wait…your wardrobe talks? That’s disturbing. Do I need to chat with my jeans?
    Talking to my clothes is not an attractive idea, will they submit to rule by fiat?
    Let me know.

    Like

    • October 11, 2014 at 1:44 am

      Hi Mike-I didn’t realize it was making you do that. I think I fixed it. Let me know. My clothes do talk to me, often in thick accents. Or maybe it’s just the voices in my head. Wherever it comes from, it’s sort of therapeutic to write about it. I don’t know what “rule by fiat” is, but the word submit is a big flashing trouble ahead sign. At least as far as my clothes are concerned. My clothes do not submit. They bind, pinch, tease and humiliate…I try to buy nicer clothes but it usually ends the same. If you are not already talking to your clothes, don’t start now. It might add to your mystique but probably not in a good way and I doubt your clothes will tell you where you’ve been. They are way to self-involved to take in their surroundings. Do you ever remember where you’ve been, or is it just gone forever? Could you be hypnotised?

      Like

      • October 12, 2014 at 2:09 am

        ‘rule by fiat’ is from the french I believe, to rule by decree. My wife Cary taught me that, some 40+ years ago.
        I demand submission from my levi’s, not so much my shirts, they are recalcitrant devils. Perhaps they (pants and shirts) are raised differently…..parent’s of other rearing philosophies…pants grow up to be rather forgiving, permissive if you will. Shirts are determined to let you know of strain on buttons, stuff like that. But I don’t want to dwell on that.
        In answer to your last two sentences/questions: No, not exactly. I have images of fleeing, screaming people, trampling of crowds, the like. Hypnotism was tried, after the incident at the exorcism (not my idea), but the priest has since joined a group in San Francisco…Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. Perhaps you’ve heard of them…and seems reluctant to report.

        Liked by 1 person

      • October 12, 2014 at 1:47 pm

        Did you have to enter everything when you commented this time or could you just comment? Did it make you prove you’re not a robot? You’re not, right? My first car was a fiat.That’s all I know about that word. Well, until now. None of my clothing is submissive except for my yoga pants and my winter parker and a few pairs of socks I like. I can’t really tell when you’re kidding. My imagination doesn’t really do reality well,so I now have a mental picture of King Kong performing disjointed back flips down the stairs while the priest and his sisters lay on a blanket in a nearby park smoking joints, half-heartedly waving some crosses around and giggling at King Kong’s lack of grace, and the crowds run for their lives….wait a second….no, they are all standing there videotaping the mayhem on their iphone 6s for the 10:00 news. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, you’re enjoying a nice fire.

        Like

  2. jenny_o
    October 11, 2014 at 2:23 am

    Whenever I even think about turtlenecks I feel like someone/something is choking me. My daughter is the same way. She has been known to gag. I just feel suffocated. So I’m with you all the way on those self-centered articles of torture, heck I don’t even want the black ones, toss ’em all, bwahahaha!

    Like

    • October 11, 2014 at 2:41 am

      ooohhh Jenny, you’re fun when you’re vengeful. Let’s think of more ways we can torture turtlenecks. I know. Let’s cut off their arms and bottoms and turn them into dickies. They’ll hate that!

      Like

      • jenny_o
        October 12, 2014 at 4:53 am

        Dickies – great idea! and make the arms into legwarmers! We’ll sure show them 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • October 12, 2014 at 1:50 pm

        Legwarmers…..excellent. Winter is nigh upon us. Maybe leg warmers will be this year’s fashion comeback story.

        Like

  3. thesmittenimage
    October 12, 2014 at 3:47 am

    I just bought a black turtleneck last week. I think it’s reading over my shoulder. I hear snickering.

    Liked by 1 person

    • October 12, 2014 at 1:51 pm

      Hi Hilary-at least you stayed away from the bright blue one. The black is trainable. You just have to appeal to its dark side:-)

      Like

  4. October 16, 2014 at 6:55 pm

    All my too small shirts flat out are laughing at me. I have a lot of the black ones, but only the two newest talk. Today I am going through the pants.I’m sure you will be able to hear them yelling anywhere in the US as I talk back.

    Like

    • October 16, 2014 at 7:17 pm

      Mageb-I can hear them! They are making snide comments to my pants and all of them are laughing at us. I just hate pants. I’m thinking of faking a late life pregnancy just so I can get away with maternity clothes.

      Like

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