Here in my car I feel safest of all

I  saw a commercial the other day  advertising a car with internet.  Do we really need another distraction?  Isn’t this a little like having a car that comes standard with a bartender?  When  do they picture us using this feature?

I don’t want to share the road with people who are watching Hulu +.

Why can’t the automobile  industry focus on  features  that keep us safer?

For instance, I think  all  cars should have the ability to sense stopped  traffic  just ahead and either verbally alert the driver or initiate a braking  feature.  We could avoid all those nasty multiple car pile ups and save lives  with just this one feature.

A car that could thin  itself out would  also be handy  for tight spaces.  You know what I mean,  right?   The car  ahead  is turning left,  but they are, for inexplicable reasons  possibly related to self-centeredness and intellect, taking up  the whole lane.  You might be able to  squeeze  past them, but you’re not sure. It’s  hard to guage.  With auth-thin, you press a button and your car compresses 6 inches on each side allowing you  to slip by with ease.  Actually,  I wish my body came with this feature. Tight jeans?   Not any more!  That would show my  turtlenecks.

And we all want a car that can  hover, am I right?  Traffic jam? No problem.  Just hit the up and out button.  Of course, if this feature is standard, everyone would use it, rendering it useless.

Why not a car with a built in nanny?  That way,  when the baby is in the backseat crying, the nanny can focus on resolving that problem while you focus on the road.  And when  the baby is sleeping, you can engage your nanny feature allowing you to run into Target for that two-for-one battery deal without disrupting Junior’s nap.

In  addition to that,  I’d  prefer a car that can turn  into a submarine.  Scooby-Doo and the gang have one,  and I’d like one, too.  I count being submerged under water in a car among my many fears. A car with anti-spider submersible technology would go a long ways towards making me feel safer on the road.  Better yet, how about a car that can’t be submerged? Scratch  the submarine feature,  I want the infinity float feature.

A time traveling car would be fantastic.  When you  hit morning traffic, you can transport yourself to pre-morning, zoom into work, and have time to pick up a nice latte and the morning paper before starting your daily  grind.  This would also  be handy on  long trips.  You can drive to the opposite coast and then  transport yourself back  a week in time.   If my  car had a time travel feature, I’d probably never get out of it, truthfully.  As the very wise Dr. Seuss once said, there’s so so much to see.

For now, I guess I’ll  have to  make due  with the standard CD player in my toyota.  And I do have the ability to adjust my seat forward, backward, up and down, which doesn’t suck.  What features do you wish your car  had?


I’ll bet this car floats and has a bartender.

  11 comments for “Here in my car I feel safest of all

  1. Anonymous
    October 13, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    I think cars already have the auto braking thing, BMW, etc. Apparently it works well enough. Also the auto parallel parking thing works also. I got a new pickup in 2010, immediately took it on a 10K mile 4 month road trip. It took me half of it to figure out the new functions. But I also still think the internet is black magic, so it was probably just me.

    When I lived in Germany our car had a navigation system, first I’d had. Now that was all that kept me from still driving back roads, looking for where my apartment was.

    As to what new gadgets I’d want, can’t think of any. I actually sold the new truck. I liked my ’94 better so I still drive it.

    I’m also still waiting for my personal jet-pack that was promised to us in the 50’s.


    • October 13, 2014 at 6:19 pm

      Hi Anonymous…I’m waiting for my jet-pack, too. Did you order yours off the back of a Lucky Charms box after collecting 10 proof of purchase seals back in 1975? I wonder what happened? I wonder if the German GPS has the same judgemental voice as the American one, only in German. Did it say, “recalculating” whenever you took a wrong exit, like you were the biggest dumbass in the history of dumbasses? If so, I’m guessing the voices are the same. The internet is black magic. If you use it too much, you lose your soul and become a zombie. I suspect. Thanks for visiting and commenting.


  2. October 13, 2014 at 6:51 pm

    Twas’ I. Since that crack I made about your blog still owing me money, I don’t think it likes me.

    My daughter called the German driving director Helga. She have a vaguely Germanic/Scandinavian accent in our English version. If she felt we were going the wrong way she usually suggested we make a U-turn. I pictured her as a tall blonde in spike heels and leather, but that may just be me.


    • October 13, 2014 at 9:09 pm

      I thought it might be you. Are you also Doug from Oakland? Haven’t heard from Doug in awhile. I picture her as a school teacher, but that is just me. If we combined our visions, that would be some educator.


      • October 14, 2014 at 1:39 am

        Doug from Oakland….no, but that’s a catch nom de plume. Doug’s a she? I suppose there’s a lot to explore here about the duality of life and all, but I’m getting peckish. I have a Dom Pérignon ’64 I’m going to open, and a recent harvesting of Caspian Beluga Caviar in a 8 ounce tin. The Bolshoi Ballet cast members will be stopping by later too.
        Mimic Cheech and Chong at my peril, but “Doug’s not here”.

        I do like free association.


  3. jenny_o
    October 13, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    Infinity float feature – cripes, yes, I want that badly. One of my worst fears is drowning in a submerged car. Oh gosh I hate water. I don’t even like the bathtub. Where were we? Features on a car? I’m waiting for the programmable cars so I don’t have to stay awake to drive. I’m not lazy, honest, it’s just that when I start feeling sleepy, I can’t stop. I’ve been known to nap in the mall parking lot because I didn’t feel safe making a 40 minute drive home. You have chosen some very fine features to wish for, Chicken. I hope the car designers are reading your blog.


    • October 13, 2014 at 9:11 pm

      I hope so, Jenny. Regarding being sleepy, I always bring junk food on long drives. I assume that if I’m chewing I won’t fall asleep and that if the food is tasty, I won’t stop chewing. Yet more f’d up chicken logic for you.


  4. October 13, 2014 at 8:34 pm

    You touched perfectly on all my desires in a car. Although, considering my bladder these days, a built-in porto-potty might be nice. 🙂


    • October 13, 2014 at 9:13 pm

      I forgot about the bathroom. Yes, that would be nice, too. I know someone that carries around a tupperware container, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Then again, my husband tells a horrifying story of traffic jams and bodily needs that make me think perhaps it’s not a bad idea. He’d kill me if I told you, but…I think I’m going to start stocking up on tupperware, if you know a rep.


  5. Doug in Oakland
    October 14, 2014 at 3:24 am

    At this point I would be thrilled with a garden variety mid-’90s Toyota. As a former truck driver, I can tell you that you’ll find a wide-mouth sports drink (or juice) bottle under the seat or in the cargo box of most male-driven delivery vehicles. I have no idea what female delivery drivers do. Cars are getting really cool, actually, and from what I read, they’re about to get even cooler really soon.
    Sorry I didn’t comment on your last two posts, but I didn’t feel like I had anything worth reading to say.


    • October 14, 2014 at 9:42 am

      Hi Doug, there you are! Don’t be sorry. Always happy to see you here though. seat you’d probably find a comb. Under my husbands, ten coffee cups.


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