Shopping Hell (A Christmas Carol)

Dashing to the mall

With the family today

Whose idea was this?

Fighting all the way.

The lights won’t ever change

This traffic is so slow

It’s so hard to find a space

To park the car and go

 

Ohhhhh Shopping Hell, Shopping Hell

Shopping all day long

One has to pee, one wants to eat

Do you have to sing that song?

Shopping Hell, Shopping Hell

Shopping all day long

The check out line starts way back there

That seems so very wrong

 

A day or two ago

I realized the time

I hadn’t bought a thing

Too late to buy online

That’s when I made a list

And headed for the mall

Got stuck in traffic for an hour

And now I’ve hit the wall

 

Ohhhhh Shopping Hell Shopping Hell

Shopping all day long

One has to pee one wants to eat

Please don’t sing that song

Oh shopping hell, shopping hell

I’m standing on the brink

The checkout line starts way back where?

I really need a drink

 

Oh Shopping Hell, Shopping Hell

Get me outta here……

What?  No!  No you can’t.  you can’t, get down from there Will you PLEASE.  STOP.  SINGINGTHATSONG!.  Why didn’t you go before we left?  What do you mean you want a pretzel?  You just had pizza?  How can you…..Get DOWN.    You know, Santa cries when you are bad.  Do you want Santa to cry???  What?  Well, that’s not Santa, that’s why  That’s an elf.  Santa is…what?  Santa let’s them wear a red suit when they help out at the mall.  I don’t know why, that’s just the way it is.  There’s a lot of malls and Santa can’t be at all of them…..I don’t know why he doesn’t just use Christmas magic…What? NO you can’t have Pinkberry! You just had a pretzel….Put that back.  We are not here to shop for you.  Where’s your father, huh?  Where did he go, now?…. Happy Holidays, friends.  May your holidays be merry and bright and not like a trip to the mall.

Chicken out

image

borrowed from shakeitup.hubpages.com

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  32 comments for “Shopping Hell (A Christmas Carol)

  1. December 21, 2014 at 6:31 pm

    BAHAHAHA! You’re a genius, my friend. Did all mine online this year. Bliss. I go to the mall on the 24th just to browse the great sales. My cousin goes with me and we pick out what we want from the other, buy it, wrap and put it under the tree, then act surprised Christmas morning. A sure fire way to avoid getting shitty gifts. 🙂 Merry Christmas, Chicken.

    Like

    • December 23, 2014 at 2:58 am

      Oh thank you, Jayne, but I beg to differ. I think we both know who the true genius is here. Were I just a little bit smarter, I’d be drinking egg nog with rum and singing Christmas Carols instead of cutting off the elderly in a race for parking real estate.

      Like

  2. jenny_o
    December 21, 2014 at 10:05 pm

    Ha ha ha ha! Love it 🙂

    I want my Christmas to be like the picture, all fuzzy and snowy and great lighting. But my Christmases are ALL LIKE THE SHOPPING TRIP TO THE MALL. You either got it or you don’t. I don’t. LOL

    Happy Holidays, Chicken!

    Like

    • December 23, 2014 at 3:31 am

      I don’t got it either, Jenny. Anytime you want to meet up after the mall for wine and commiseration (is that even a word? Did I spell it correctly? Never mind. I don’t want to know.) I am in. Happy holidays to you, as well.

      Like

  3. Doug in Oakland
    December 22, 2014 at 3:08 am

    Ah yes. the Grand Mal shopping seizure, or alternately, a holiday trip to the maul. Either way, I’m glad you survived and didn’t sustain too much damage…

    Like

    • December 23, 2014 at 3:32 am

      Hi Doug, haha. Yes, let’s go with a shopping seize yer money trip to the maul followed by the grand mal seizure when the credit card bill comes due. I’ll be fine. I work out. happy holidays to you.

      Like

  4. jenny_o
    December 22, 2014 at 6:22 am

    Hah! I love those puns, Doug 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. geo.
    December 22, 2014 at 8:03 am

    This post is a gift in itself, congratulating me for insisting all my kids be over 30 years old. It works, some are over 40 now. Merry Christmas, Chicken!

    Like

    • December 23, 2014 at 3:35 am

      Geo-I’m congratulating you for stopping, at some point. See, I have this thing about babies. I love them so much that I kept having kids. Kids that grow older and insist on accompanying me to the mall where they will instantly become distracted by food stands and public restrooms. Merry Christmas to you and yours, Geo:-)

      Like

  6. dbs
    December 24, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    Happy holidays (and a few drinks) to you too.

    Like

  7. Pat
    January 14, 2015 at 5:19 am

    That is hilarious!
    I have two rules when it comes to Christmas shopping.

    1. If I haven’t bought all my gifts before Thanksgiving, they aren’t getting bought.
    2. If my wife hasn’t bought all her gifts by Thanksgiving, I’m not going with her to the mall.

    Like

    • January 14, 2015 at 12:05 pm

      Pat! Happy new year to you. Those are reasonable rules, in my opinion. My husband’s rule is everyone gets the same thing. He goes to one place, buys everyone a gift certificate, boom, done.

      Like

  8. January 22, 2015 at 2:19 am

    I come to you from a month in your future, and I’m here to tell you that I’m barely recovered from the holidays (which I hate),and this post just gave me a shivery flashback. I’m also here to tell you that January is better. Hang in there, O Holiday Shopper!

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 22, 2015 at 3:39 am

      Oh Ghost of the New Year to Come, I thank you for your visit and your prophesy. January can’t get here soon enough….

      Like

  9. January 22, 2015 at 2:19 am

    Oh, and this is Jocelyn; the comment thingie here seems to be using my blog name. Anyhow, HI!

    Like

    • January 22, 2015 at 3:46 am

      Wait, so this isn’t the baby New Year? Anyhow. Hi yourself: Jocelyn:-) Nice to see you here in my comment area. Was it the free booze? The appetizers? Just an unidentifiable need to join the chicken neighborhood holiday sing-a-long? Or is it all an illusion. A PTHS flashback thing? I don’t care. I’m just happy to see you.

      Like

  10. jenny_o
    February 3, 2015 at 12:55 am

    *knocks gently & whispers*
    psst … Chickie … you there? I wasn’t going to disturb your January hibernation, but Jocelyn woke you up, so … how’s things?

    Liked by 1 person

    • February 3, 2015 at 2:41 am

      Hi Jenny. I love you. You can wake me up any time. I’m fine, just not very writer-y lately. How are you? Happy new year! So what I’ve been doing is listening to a lot of NPR, which I found along about the beginning of December or so, and I can’t stop listening. There is so. much. information. And all that information has me scurrying to the computer to look up other things, and neurons are being….I don’t know, whatever, fired? And synapses are happening however that happens and my brain is on overload. What should I write about? Which thing? Which Idea? Maybe I should write about this one but I should study it a little more, but then the next day on the radio they talk about something else and off I go, more focused than the honey badger except I give a shit, I do, I want to know everything. And then, also, I started going to these luncheon networking things a few months ago and there are different speakers every week and they all specialize in different areas. They are fascinating. So then I add their passions to the list of things I must learn more about and….Jenny. I’m exhausted! But happy. And I’m not done here. I just need a little help focusing. If I could write about anything that you would want to read about, what would it be? Maybe that could be my first “assignment” in the new year. Thank you for checking in on me and reminding me that there are things to do, people to see, right here. I have some catching up to do.

      Like

      • jenny_o
        February 3, 2015 at 3:42 am

        Oh gah, I know what it’s like to be overloaded with ideas of things to sew; is being overloaded with ideas of things to write like that? You’d think it would result in all kinds of productivity but instead it’s paralyzing. Or maybe you aren’t paralyzed, just inundated. I get paralyzed. Maybe that’s only my own reaction. However.

        Seems to me that your reply above is like a mini-post. Start where you’re at. Excuse that preposition at the end, there; it has no boundaries, the scamp. Maybe tell us about the crazy swirl of information that your brain has become. What have you been listening to? What ideas are you chasing? I’m intrigued and honestly curious about that. I am a lazy person and while I’ll read the first sentence of anything, I don’t chase ideas like you’re doing. I want to know how you do it – how do you make your head want to do all that work? If there’s no answer to that, then maybe tell me about when you realized you were hooked on learning? I apologize for these not very good ideas, but they’re the questions I’d ask if we were talking face to face. If they don’t result in a writing idea, talk back at me and I’ll ask some more.

        P. S. I’m glad you’re happy! And still wanting to write! Yay!

        Liked by 1 person

  11. February 3, 2015 at 3:47 am

    Yes, paralyzed is exactly it. Also lack of focus. The most consistent I’ve ever been in this writing thing is when I wrote at the same time every day. I would love to be the person that can maintain that, but I’m just not that kind of chicken. I’m more whimsical, yeah, I’m spontaneous, right? That’s what makes it fun. Okay, I’ll write about what all I’ve been thinking about and chasing. Don’t expect it to be logical though….I mean, there’s no logic between OPEC and reincarnation, is there? Is there?

    Like

    • jenny_o
      February 3, 2015 at 4:11 am

      Well, if you’ve been thinking about them both, the connection is that you’ve been thinking about them both. Zoom out far enough and everything is connected 🙂 But what do I know? I am a sewer, not a writer. And by sewer, I mean sewist. Not that stinky other word.

      Reincarnation, eh – now there’s a fascinating topic.

      Liked by 1 person

      • jenny_o
        February 3, 2015 at 4:18 am

        I feel like I’m pressuring you to write. I just want to say that maybe this is not a writing time for you. Maybe it’s an absorbing/learning time for you right now. Maybe the writing will come later. Or maybe you’ve morphed into another iteration of you, and writing is less important. Please don’t feel pressured! Do what’s right for you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • February 5, 2015 at 3:40 am

        I want to write-I just need to wrangle my schedule and thoughts. I’ve been out of sync since Christmas, but I’ll circle back around, i know i will. Thanks for checking in-I appreciate that. What do you sew?

        Like

  12. jenny_o
    February 5, 2015 at 8:30 am

    That’s good to hear!

    I do clothing alterations for myself, and for my dad who’s in a nursing home and needs special clothing, and I make a variety of household items. For those, I try to use second-hand/outdated clothing and “upcycle” it (to use the jargon). My contribution to the environment – and it forces me to be creative. I used to like needlework of various kinds but I can’t do it now because of carpal tunnel in my working hand. So I’ve switched to the sewing machine for now. The craft group I belong to has a sale every year and I take part in that.

    Like

    • February 6, 2015 at 2:04 am

      Hi Jenny-when it comes to the environment, I think every little bit helps. I took a sewing class in high school and made a couple of dresses back in those far off days, with a lot of help, but I really wish I was better. Do you like quilting? One of my old blog friends has a really great quilting blog. If you google Quilting in my Pajamas, or she’s Australian, so it might be Pyjamas, you will find it.

      Like

      • jenny_o
        February 8, 2015 at 1:45 am

        I’ve done some thinking about quilting but that’s as far as I got! Thanks for the recommendation; I’ll check it out.

        Liked by 1 person

  13. February 5, 2015 at 9:14 pm

    I’m back in blogland and I’ve missed your writing! This was richly great- hope you are back soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    • February 6, 2015 at 2:05 am

      Yay! I’ve missed your writing! So what Neruda poem were you and Pearl considering/conversating on? One of the sexy, prowling, smoky ones, I hope:-)

      Like

  14. February 10, 2015 at 1:15 pm

    CHICKEN!!! Where the hell are you these days?

    What we need is another Fellowship of the Pen situation: you, me, Shelly, perhaps some other lovely writers. A weekend around a kitchen table with nothing but our wits. And snacks. Preferably guac, but I could be tempted by pico as well…

    Pearl

    Like

    • February 11, 2015 at 1:32 am

      PEARL!!!! Right here! Third snowbank on the right! A Fellowship of the Pen sounds like a lovely idea. And wine, right? Guac and wine? And maybe a couple oompa loompas, just for fun?

      Liked by 1 person

      • February 11, 2015 at 1:33 am

        Say, do you suppose the Algonquin would let us use one of their tables?

        Like

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