Dear David Duchovny,
I caught your interview on NPR last night. The host discussed your new book, “Holy Cow”, and I was like, wait, David Duchovny wrote a book? About Cows? Holy Cow! (Bet you haven’t heard that one.) Listeners were invited to call in. I would have been one of those callers, David Duchovny, except it would have been difficult for me to breathe while spitting out, eventually, “I love you David Duchovny!!!!”. And that would have been awkward. For you, me and everybody listening. Why put us all through that? Besides, I was driving. Speeding possibly. Allegedly.
Attempting to talk to David Duchovny while breathing while hurtling down I-95 in a 2009 Camry is not in my wheelhouse. It’s probably for the best, considering the whole I Love You David Duchovny issue.
Still, I was sorry to miss out on the, “How do you know David” conversation. The great thing about the internet is you don’t have to miss out on anything. Sure, you may never read this, but writing what I was thinking while hurtling down the highway, listening to other people stumble through their “I love you David Duchovny” calls, makes me feel part of the whole.
So how do I know David Duchovny? Um, through Wikipedia? (We almost have the same birthday!) From NPR? Okay, I’ll admit, I don’t really know David Duchovny, but anyone who writes a book about cows gets poster space on my imaginary wall. Okay, not everyone. That wouldn’t be practical. Cows have been around a long time and there are probably a lot of proud cow book authors out there and although my imaginary walls are infinite, I don’t want to have to sift through five thousand cow author posters to find the one I like looking at the best. So I’m limiting the offer to just you. And Temple Grandin.
I saw you on Twin Peaks. I did! I loved that show. You were great. I hope they bring you back as a reverse transexual. Now there’s a long story. I developed my obsessed fan issue, however, during Californication. And when I say obsessed, I mean in a middle-aged Facebook fan girl crush sort of way, not the breaking and entering, sneaking up behind you as you brush your teeth and shouting “Mothafuckaaaaa” kind of way, which would be totally inappropriate. I know that’s just pretend.
What surprised me, David Duchovny, is how much you and I have in common! You went to Princeton and Yale, became a famous actor, play the guitar, write songs, and wrote a book about animals that infiltrate the human drama. ME TOO! Well not the the Princeton Yale part, and not the famous actor part, and not the book part, but I went to school, was in the drama club AND the band, wrote a song published in Nashville, sorta, and write stories about animals experiencing human drama. By the way, in case you haven’t worked it out yet, I’m not really a Chicken. I just play one on WordPress. Check it out:
and
That Time Chicken Wrote a Hit Song
Plus I was abducted by aliens once. Just kidding. That never happened. My youngest child is totally normal, ask anyone. Also, I just remembered, you were a SNL Host and I went to Band Camp. See what I mean about us?
So given all that you and I have in common, David Duchovny, I’d like to invite you to my tiny desk. You could play some of your new stuff, maybe sign your book for me. Actually, you can’t sign your book because it’s on my Kindle. I didn’t plan that out very well. I know those performances are supposed to take place at some desk in NPR studios or wherever, but I promise you my desk is much tinier than Bob Boilen’s plus, I totally get you, right? Even our names are similar. “CHicken, DuCHovny. Symmetry, Baby. Baby Mothafuckaa. Please come do a tiny desk concert in Rhode Island.
Chicken out
P.S. I love you David Duchovny. Just kidding. Not that I don’t, who wouldn’t, but I’m married so I have to put in the ‘just kidding’ part. It’s sort of a disclaimer. I’m sure there’s a legal term for it. Like, yeah, she invited David Duchovny to visit her tiny desk but she wasn’t soliciting him, Your Honor, she’s married, for God’s sake. It says so right there in the Post Script. Because people get the wrong idea and start rumors, write open letters…. You know how that goes.
Chicken's Consigliere 
I don’t know what to say about this. Hmm. I liked him in the X Files but never saw him in anything else. But the cow book – that’s interesting. And I guess I know him too! From Wikipedia. Because I didn’t know what to say about this, so I looked him up. So now at least I know he’s on the side of the animals, which is a plus. Hmm. Still debating this in my head 🙂
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P. S. I’m not positive, but I get the feeling you like David Duchovny. Call it woman’s intuition, or call me nuts, but that’s the feeeeling I get here.
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Hi Jenny, I loved the character of Hank Moody, his Californication character. But then I listened to the NPR interview and began to realize that David Duchovny really kind of IS Hank Moody….he’s smart, well read, a writer, he doesn’t take himself too seriously….so now I really like David Duchovny. Plus the book….he writes like I write. Much better, obviously, but in the style I prefer. and about animals with rich inner lives. Uh, hello! I think we may be siblings separated at birth. Anyway. What was the question?
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I never saw xfiles. I didn’t know. Now I’ll never know, I guess.
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YOU NEVER SAW THE “X-FILES?!!!” Get ye ass on Amazon and order the entire series. David was even cuter back then.
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Oh do tell…:-)
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David really gets around! I think you will be hearing a quick response to your letter from him, unless he actually ended up getting nabbed by some of those weird folk on X-files.
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Hi Shelly,
I’m obviously going to have to fork over for all the seasons of XFiles. You may not hear from me for awhile.
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Geez, a hard one for me. I watched X-Files, as many did. Califinorication sort of,….
Didn’t he undergo some sort of therapy for this sort of, mmm, addicition issue?
I guess that would not factor in to your attractions, but well.
Cheers!
Mike
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MIKE!!! Well, we all have our crosses to bear. I can think of worse ones. Then again, it’s Hollywood and so, like politics, nothing is ever as it seems. It’s good to hear from you.
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Sounds like David Duchovny is your secret pal –like Uhura from Star Trek is mine. Just a hunch, but by golly the personalities one finds in their wonderful industry does create attachments and admirations that are just such fun.
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Hi Geo, yes, I think you might be right. Uhura, huh? I had to look up Uhura. I remember her in a ghost from the future sort of way. According to Memory Beta, she hasn’t been born yet, so if you can get yourself to Africa in the right year at the right time….well, maybe you could share a tiny desk concert. Okay, thinking about this is making my brain hurt a little….
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I thought you were being funny when you mentioned Duchovny on Twin Peaks, because I didn’t remember him on that. So I googled it after I thought I’d caught a clever joke and ba-bam. There he is dressed like a girl. Then I remembered. I can’t recall now if Twin Peaks came before or after The X-Files, but I loved them both. Two of my favorite shows at the time. Now I remember. Twin Peaks came first. Good, I haven’t lost all neuronal connections.
Anyway, I enjoyed your funny and sincere writing very much. Thanks.
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HI M.T.M. Thank you for visiting and commenting. I look forward to visiting you, as well. I was at an advantage because they talked about his Twin Peaks appearance during the interview, and as it happened I had watched the entire series over again last fall and remember saying to myself, “Holy Cow (haha) that’s David Duchovny!” There’s no way I would have remembered it from the original viewing.
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Hi Chicken. I don’t know who David Duchovny is, but I got my left eyeball fixed and now I can read you again.
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You know, Doug, it crossed my mind that maybe YOU are David Duchovny, so conspicuous was your absence. What is wrong with your left eyeball? Actually, what’s wrong with your right eyeball? Regardless, I’m glad you can visit again. Hope you are ok.
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My left eyeball is OK and still improving as I recover from cataract surgery. My right eyeball is still blurry as hell until they fix it in about a month. It’s really amazing to be able to see again. Yesterday after I got my bandages off I texted my friend Sara: “What are these shiny black things at the end of my legs? Oh yeah, my shoes…”
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Wow, I’m so sorry, Doug. I can’t imagine that. I mean, Dude, you’re wearing black shiny shoes? In Oakland? (you know I’m kidding, right? I know you know I’m kidding but I have to say that because it. is. who. I. am. I just can’t seem to give people the benefit of the doubt. Doug. Dude. (WHY am I calling you Dude? I am glad you are on the road to good vision, and I am glad you come here to read what I write. I mean, you could read a lot of stuff, but you stop by here often, and I really appreciate that.
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funny how I keep forgetting to put in the closing parentheses. You know why, right? Because I don’t want to stop talking
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I guffawed my ass off at the MOTHAFUCKAAAA. This is why I love your crazy ass. 🙂
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Likewise Mothafuckaaaa:-)
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I tried earlier, but dutifly am trying to comment again….technology and my fingers do not meld somehow.
Thanks for your comments….I appreciate them. Got back to MT last evening, it’s still effing winter here, got up to 15f today.
I don’t think it’s similar, but I’ve been waiting for decades for Grace Slick to show up outside, beckoning from the back of a limo, mouthing the words “Mike, it’s your turn now.”….hope you have better luck.
Cheers
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Grace Slick is probably off somewhere with David Duchovny performing a tiny desk concert!
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I know I’m getting here realllly late (look at Jocelyn lose the thread on a bunch of blogs and now try to reconnect!), but I have to say I find DD very interesting, too. But I would like to know more about his sex addiction and the problems in his marriage. You know, the inside scoop. Just in case the two of you ever end up together.
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HI J. Talk about being late to the party, look at me with my comments a year late. Has it been that long since this post? Really. My time flies. I’m a whole picture person, I think. Plus I don’t trust the media. I feel like we all have our positives and negatives. I don’t know David Duchovny’s, really, but I’m a big fan of what I perceive to be some of his positives. Enough so that I’d give him the benefit of the doubt regarding any reported negatives until I actually met the man and had time to draw my own conclusion. It can’t be easy living under a magnifying glass. That’s what I try to remind myself every time I see a new photo of Kim Kardashian’s glamour our lifestyle. It’s easier with some celebrities than others.
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