My high school drama club performed a Monty Python skit once about a man who was out walking when suddenly, nothing happened. That was me last week. It was early on Thursday morning and I was out walking the streets of my suburban neighborhood when it occurred to me that my walks were like that Monty Python skit. Nothing ever happens. It would be cool, I thought, to see something unusual; like some wildlife…a deer or something. Then I wondered what I would do if I saw a bear. A big ‘ole bear just walking down the street like a stray dog. What would I do then? What chickens are known for I guess….run around like a headless chicken.
Cut to Saturday night. About five cop cars showed up in our neighborhood around 9 PM. Lights were flashing, people were standing around. Wonder what’s going on, I thought, before turning on a Sex and the City rerun and falling asleep. My husband, being the more inquisitive type and also a fan of any drama involving cops and bad theme songs, kept an eye on the proceedings. It occurred to him that the police seemed to be looking for somebody and he immediately set about securing the premises. He locked the garage, checked the backyard, locked all the cars and ventured out to the end of the driveway to scare away any intruders.
The next day, when he found out that the bear that I had evidently telepathically communicated with had promptly shown up looking for me, he came a little unhinged. BigB is not a fan of wildlife and he is particularly not a fan of wildlife that is bigger than him. I thought he was going to barricade us in the house. Luckily, the lost bear was found near the hospital and relocated to a more suitable environment. Until the next time I want something to happen. I am Chicken. The Bear Whisperer.