Remember awhile back when I said that I was “trying to be more loving towards all God’s creatures”? I was referencing a spider in my shower at the time. I’m afraid of spiders. They creep me out but I’m trying not to kill them anymore.
Apparently, someone higher up read my post, scratched his or her chin, and said, “Interesting…perhaps a little test is in order”, and then he or she sent a plague of ants.
I’m not afraid of ants. With ants, it’s easy. I ignore them. I graciously share my home with them. If they wear out their welcome, I escort them outside with a friendly little pat on their teeny ant bums. “Bye now, y’all come back never, ya hear?”
However, when ants mistake kindness for weakness, I have an issue.
One day last week, I came home and found a group of them engaged in a volleyball session on my kitchen counter, several more wrestling in a pool of leftover maple syrup, and another dozen swimming in an abandoned glass of lemonade. “That’s it, Ants!”, I yelled, slapping the counter for emphasis, “Get off my property or else!” The ants lined up and marched off. I thought I had won.
The next day, Spring Break for ants reconvened on my kitchen counter. One of the little buggers even tried spelunking in littleb’s nostril. That was the moment my new found love for all God’s creatures became cute in theory but not practical. And so I did what I always do when a matter requires brute force. I called in a big Irish warlord, highly skilled in pest control strategy, AKA, BigB. BigB was at the local True Value buying ant traps before I could finish my spelunking story, as though an ant crawling into his son’s nostril might somehow prevent the boy from continuing the family bloodline. BigB takes his family bloodline very seriously. Someone has to follow the Kennedys, after all.
He placed ant traps in the corners. The ants snickered. He bought some outdoor traps. They ran all around them in a frenzy and he thought he had them, but then they ran off to a safe distance, laughing and shouting out racial slurs in ant language. Ants are highly intelligent, organised, and sarcastic. Don’t let their cute tri-sectioned bodies fool you.
Then. One day. The ants disappeared.
Or retreated. Time will tell. You can’t really trust ants. They could be vindictively eating the framework of our house and we won’t know it until one of us falls through the bathroom floor while taking a shower. I thought of that this morning in the shower. It was a refreshing change from thinking about spiders in the shower.