I had an urge to write about something, anything, that isn’t politics. That worries me in a way. I think the GOP’s most fervent wish is that the Resistance will calm the fuck down and go back to reality television.Then, I reminded my self that I’m not in charge of the Resistance. My 50 Twitter followers won’t miss me. So let’s begin, shall we?
Not to be morbid, but what if we died today? In a totally, non-painful, in our sleep kind of way, of course. What if we just ceased to exist? Imagine our loved ones going through our things. I don’t own sex toys for this reason. Death is tragic enough without the brain worm of your mother’s sex life haunting you. So, in morbid anticipation of an unanticipated death, I try to be careful of the things I leave lying around.
My Kindle is the exception. My Kindle is a study in self-indulgence. My Kindle paints a picture of a woman with……diverse interests. My Kindle is covered in human skin.
That’s a lie. Fake news. But somewhere in its depths my Kindle lists a book that talks about a book covered in human skin, followed by a book on sewing for beginners. A biography on Abe Lincoln follows a book called, “Bennington Girls Are Easy”. There’s a collection of Robert Moss books purchased to help me analyze my dreams, and that phase was followed by a series of alcoholic memoirs. You know who the funniest writers are? Recovering alcoholics. I’m serious; Augusten Burroughs, Mary Karr, Caroline Knapp, Carrie Fisher...these are some of my favorite books. Actually, by far, memoirs, in general, make up the biggest slice of my Kindle pie. If you are a chef and you wrote a book, I probably have it (Yes, I’m looking at you, Gabrielle Hamilton!). If you were a server in a fine dining restaurant and wrote a book about it, I probably have that, too. My crushes are covered; Bruce Springsteen, I have your memoir. David Duchovny? In there! I seem to have a lot of books about New York. If fans of England are Anglophiles and fans of France are Francophiles, what are fans of New York? Yorkophiles? Also, I’m an Alice Hoffman fan. There are many books about ghosts. I don’t like ghosts but I like ghost stories. There’s a smidgen of self help titles, because who doesn’t need a little help from their books, and a sprinkle of technology titles, because who doesn’t want to publish an e-book and build a great WordPress site, and the obligatory low carb diet tome. I have one book about talking to animals and another about the hidden lives of trees. So what do these books say about me? Who am I?
HOLD ON HOMER. We forgot about the secret sauce in this Kindle casserole, and that secret is that I haven’t read even half of the books I’ve collected. That’s right. I’m a Kindle book hoarder. If I’m flipping through a magazine and I read a review about a new book that sounds interesting, I go immediately to Amazon and buy it lest I forget and miss out. My favorite part of every day is when the e-book email comes and I can choose from a selection of books curated to my specific tastes, all in the range of $1.99. Two bucks a book! That’s less than a cup of coffee! Periodically, I get offered a free book and you know I’m not going to ignore a free book. And don’t get me started on samples. Don’t even. Kindle samples are like those little hot dogs wrapped in pastry at a fancy party. You’re so happy to see them, amid julienned garlic on cucumber slices topped with smoked kumquats, and other hors d’oeuvre atrocities, that you take, like, eight of them, retire to a corner to eat them, and refuse to share with your spouse. Or is that just me?
So now who am I? You will have to come to your own conclusion but I like to think of myself as a glorious smorgasbord. Not a Las Vegas all you can eat buffet, mind you, but a sophisticated New York-style spread with beef filet, king crab and dishes containing capers, complete with a martini bar and an ice sculpture or two. And mini hot dogs.
What’s in your Kindle and what does it say about you? Or does the very idea of reading books off a Kindle give you hives? Tell me. Do you long for the weight of a whole book with real pages to turn and corners to fold down? What’s your favorite book? Come on. Indulge me. Be my little hot dog wrapped in pastry for these few minutes we might have left on this earth. How’s that for creep factor? What do you expect of a chicken who has books about books covered in human skin?