This Halloween I did something frightening. I was approximately 15 years overdue for my next check-up so I went to the doctor. You see, I am an avoider of doctors and a procrastinator by nature. Put those two skills together and you get a person who intends to make an appointment with a doctor tomorrow except not really. However, I’m not getting any younger and if my health heads south along with my bosom I’d like someone with actual medical training to have my back, instead of relying on WebMD. Not that WebMD isn’t great because it is, there’s just a lot of room for misinterpretation. One minute it’s an itchy spot behind your left knee and the next it’s gangrene.
My new doctor has the same last name as my favorite cousin which is why I chose her. I realize now that one doesn’t choose doctors this way when one is supposedly grown and if one does choose doctors this way one shouldn’t tell judgy people about it. I’m telling you but you’re not judgy, are you? I filled out the mountain of paperwork answering all 3, 329 questions, which is more than there are on the MCAT, and arrived ten minutes early to make a good impression. Then I answered all 3,329 questions again in person. It wasn’t even 8:30 AM and already they were trying to break me.
This new doctor is nice if you like that doctor-y type. Things were actually progressing well until she did that thing I hate. You know, that thing where they start talking about your last tetanus shot and when it was blah blah blah? I tried to be coy. I tried changing the subject. In the end Dr. Nosy Parker won and I admitted that I probably did not get to test a new 20-year tetanus prototype at my last check-up.
Doctor 1. Chicken 0.
The doctor left and an evil nurse appeared with instruments of torture. As she rolled up my sleeve she explained that my arm would be sore the rest of the day which seemed unnecessary under the circumstances. Then she said, “a little cold” now and wiped the alcohol pad against my arm. I turned away. “A little pinch now”, she said. I closed my eyes tight. “All set!”, she announced. Wait, What? All set? ALL SET? That’s it? That didn’t even hurt. That was nothing! Why do all those babies make such a big deal? I’ve had mosquito bites more painful.
I am so proud of myself. Today a shot. Next month a colonoscopy. Baby steps.