Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch: Turtlenecks

It was cold last Wednesday. I wanted something warm to wear and went in search of a turtleneck. I couldn’t find one anywhere. Then I remembered-I don’t have any. Sadly, last year, I had to let them all go for insubordination and sexual harassment. It wasn’t just one bad hombre, unfortunately, it was all of them. You see, turtlenecks subscribe to pack behavior-if the alpha turtleneck does it (the black one, in my case) they all will do it. First, they began hugging my neck a little too tightly, much like I imagine pythons do. Then they began embracing me about my middle in an inappropriate way. I called them on it, of course I did. I said, “What the hell, turtlenecks, back off, Y’all, this ain’t no honkey tonk!”. They ignored me, however, and continued to gather in a muffin-like way above the waistline of my jeans. In the end, I had no choice but to let them go. If you’ve ever had a turtleneck choke you and hug your waist in an uncomfortably familiar way, you can relate. I need to find a better class of turtlenecks. One that knows how to treat a lady. I wonder where Jennifer Aniston gets her turtlenecks?

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  9 comments for “Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch: Turtlenecks

  1. Bella Rum
    November 3, 2017 at 1:08 pm

    I wonder where Jennifer Aniston gets her body? I could use some of that. I love turtlenecks, but they don’t always love me. I also love the title of this post. Funny and appropriate. The suspect in the book I’m reading now wears turtlenecks. They hug her in all the right places. Of course, they do. She’s fictitious, and she probably never eats carbs. The author hasn’t said that, but I know these things.

    Like

    • November 3, 2017 at 1:35 pm

      Bella Rum: This is incorrect. The suspect loves lasagna, throws whiskey shots back like an 18th century sailor, eats two donuts every morning and maintains curves that make a friar blush. And THAT is how we know for sure she’s fictitious! I hear that Jennifer Aniston does the zone diet. So do I, but I’m in the fast zone, which isn’t conducive to weight loss

      Liked by 1 person

  2. November 3, 2017 at 4:45 pm

    You wear the turtle under something else that is sorta loose. Then your shape like a log is disguised, until you shrink another inch and become more log like. The real two faced bitch is between the pages of the calendar.

    Like

    • November 3, 2017 at 5:07 pm

      Joanne-that’s all turtlenecks are good for any more-as a soft base for more age appropriate clothing. If you are saying that Father Time is a dick, I agree wholeheartedly, haha.

      Like

  3. jenny_o
    November 3, 2017 at 5:02 pm

    I love your FIA2FB posts, Chicken. LOVE.

    If you think turtlenecks are bad, don’t ever try a mock turtleneck. They are less chokey but the body squeeze is the same and the heckling is intolerable!

    Like

    • November 3, 2017 at 5:04 pm

      Thanks Jenny-I didn’t realize that I had written about turtlenecks before-I guess I must feel strongly about them! Back when I was young-long time ago-white turtlenecks and blue jeans were my winter uniform. Obviously, things have had to change.

      Like

      • November 3, 2017 at 5:11 pm

        What I meant is that when I published my post, I saw another F=2FB post from back in the day and it was also about turtlenecks. And mock turtlenecks…heckling…lol. That took me a minute.

        Like

  4. Doug in Oakland
    November 3, 2017 at 10:26 pm

    I used to have a nice turtleneck that I wore under my leather jacket when I rode my motorcycle in the winter. We don’t get much in the way of winters here.
    Later, I got a nice wool scarf that was much warmer, but a little anxiety producing when it flapped around in the wind and made me wonder if it was strong enough to take my head off if it caught on something. That would suck.
    I think I left that scarf at a Burger King.
    I only have one sweater these days, and I just wore it for my walk because it’s starting to rain a little. When I was visiting my friend Sara up in Truckee where it snows all of the damn time, I wore that sweater pretty much the whole visit, or most of the awake parts of the visit.
    I don’t think that I’ve ever been mocked by a turtle, although I have certainly been mocked by a cat, and suffered the derision of a bird dog when I missed the pheasant she had found for me.
    Living up to the expectations of animals can be difficult at times.
    I tried to Google where Jennifer Aniston gets her turtlenecks for you, but Google wanted to tell me every damn thing there is to tell about that girl except where she gets her sweaters. Sorry.

    Like

    • November 3, 2017 at 11:23 pm

      Hi Doug-I wonder what % is of people die from having their head ripped off because of a scarf. That should have been a scene on 6 Feet Under. Like the girl whose head got knocked off by the concrete of a low hanging bridge when she stuck her head out of the top of the limo. Ouch. I might as well have just one sweater. I only have one I like. It hugs me nowhere which is just the way I like it. When I travel it goes with me and if I don’t have to be dressed up I’m wearing that blue sweater. I’ll wear it until it has big holes in the elbows, like the Columbia cardigan I used to wear. I considered just cutting the sleeves of that one so that I could keep wearing it, but that would have defeated the whole sweater purpose so I had to let it go. RIP maroon Columbia sweater. You are missed. Thanks for trying-I suspect hers don’t come from Savers so it probably doesn’t matter.

      Like

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