It was cold last Wednesday. I wanted something warm to wear and went in search of a turtleneck. I couldn’t find one anywhere. Then I remembered-I don’t have any. Sadly, last year, I had to let them all go for insubordination and sexual harassment. It wasn’t just one bad hombre, unfortunately, it was all of them. You see, turtlenecks subscribe to pack behavior-if the alpha turtleneck does it (the black one, in my case) they all will do it. First, they began hugging my neck a little too tightly, much like I imagine pythons do. Then they began embracing me about my middle in an inappropriate way. I called them on it, of course I did. I said, “What the hell, turtlenecks, back off, Y’all, this ain’t no honkey tonk!”. They ignored me, however, and continued to gather in a muffin-like way above the waistline of my jeans. In the end, I had no choice but to let them go. If you’ve ever had a turtleneck choke you and hug your waist in an uncomfortably familiar way, you can relate. I need to find a better class of turtlenecks. One that knows how to treat a lady. I wonder where Jennifer Aniston gets her turtlenecks?