It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like….Wednesday?

It sure doesn’t look like Christmas. Our tree is lying in the garage (FYI, today I’m pronouncing garage with the emphasis on the first syllable and I don’t know why. Let’s just go with it.)

So yeah, it’s lying in the GA-rage, where it’s been since Sunday, probably infested with aphids and spiders and possibly hiding a bat in its branches, and yet BigB fully expects me to help him set up this wildlife refuge in our living room tonight. He expects me to make it cozy and warm. Do I look like bloody Martha Stewart? Just because I can decorate a mantle with fake deer does not mean I’m anxious to provide mood lighting  for swarms of wild aphids. I mean, why don’t I make cocoa and knit them ugly Christmas sweaters, too, right? Then we can all watch, It’s A Wonderful Life, after which I’ll send them off to bed and fill all their tiny aphid stockings with whatever aphids eat. Pine sap, I assume. I guess that’s the way BigB envisions Christmas this year.

I’m sorry, BigB, but aphids belong outdoors where praying mantises can eat them. I do not want praying mantises to have to come into my house for dinner. They are creepy, number one, and I don’t believe they are praying at all. I think they are rubbing their creepy little hands together, excited by the thought of a wild aphid Christmas buffet. And another thing, why are all these things even alive? It’s December for Christ’s sake. Shouldn’t they all be dead by now? And if they are not dead, but they are close to dead, I sure as hell don’t want them dying in my living room. I don’t want dead things in there. That’s not festive.

All this Christmas tree trepidation is because I keep hearing about aphid infestations. I’ve had a live Christmas tree every year of my life and I have never heard of aphid infestations before this year. Why is that? Who is behind this pest-y propaganda? An advocacy organization for exterminators? The fake tree manufacturer’s association? Russia? I have to admit, my first thought was, “Guess it’s time to buy a fake tree”. I still feel that way, actually, but just in case it is the fake tree people using fear and disgust to turn a profit, I’m going to set up this damn tree and probably get eaten by aphids. But if I don’t get eaten by aphids, as soon as Christmas is over, I’m going to go buy one of those fake ones at 80% off.

I will not be manipulated (this year) by the greed of fake tree criminals. I will not fear the tree!


Guys. I’m totally terrified by this tree.


Aphids in the Christmas Spirit

Chicken out


  16 comments for “It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like….Wednesday?

  1. December 20, 2017 at 4:52 pm

    A basic yuck. Maybe the tree is OK, though. I just don’t know,


    • December 20, 2017 at 8:32 pm

      I’ll tell you what, Bill is going to have to inspect it and give it a few good shakes before it comes in.


  2. Anonymous
    December 20, 2017 at 5:12 pm

    You know what eats tons of aphids? Ladybugs. Ladybugs are cute and (sorta) festive. They are not all creepy and stalker-ish, like Praying Mantisses, which are totally the Hannibal Lecters of the bug world. So buy a box of Ladybugs and turn ’em loose. No more aphid problem. Ta daa. You’re welcome. Now….about that Ladybug problem……;) GG


    • December 20, 2017 at 8:32 pm

      Lady bug ARE cute and festive. Watch out Aphids. I’m about to unleash the hell of my Ladybug death squad on you. Bwa ha ha ha.


  3. jenny_o
    December 20, 2017 at 5:57 pm

    I assume the picture is NOT your tree but for illustrative purposes only!

    If you have a magnifying glass, maybe you could take a good look at your tree while it’s in the garage. Knowing there’s nothing on it would make your Christmas happier. If you don’t have a magnifying glass, go get one. Sooner or later you’re going to need it to read every dang label in the world and to remove splinters, although that’s a hard one because you need another hand to hold it.

    I’d have a real hard time getting a fake tree in this house. My husband would go on strike 🙂


    • December 20, 2017 at 8:35 pm

      Hi Jenny-my suggestion was not well received. Last year, I could not have conceived of a fake tree, either, but bugs are a real buzz kill for me, you know? Speaking of magnifying glasses, I was thinking of getting one anyways because Mac brought a puzzle to my house made up of teeny, tiny pieces and with the glare from the lights in the dining room, I was really straining to see the pieces clearly. I guess it’s time. I also am thinking about buying one of those necklaces that attaches to your reading glasses. God, I’m old.


      • jenny_o
        December 20, 2017 at 9:04 pm

        I always thought those necklace things were cool (except the cord ones, they’re kind of utilitarian) and all the older ladies that wore them also wore lots of rings and bright lipstick and fur stoles and strong perfume – you know, snazzy older ladies 🙂


      • December 20, 2017 at 11:24 pm

        And they had potty mouths, too, didn’t they? And they got away with it because they were so snazzy. I’m not snazzy but I’ve got the potty mouth down.


  4. December 20, 2017 at 6:03 pm

    Yeah, I’d go grab a fake one from Ace. How funny that we both posted today and neither one of us is feeling the “Ho, ho, ho.”


    • December 20, 2017 at 8:37 pm

      Hi Jayne-I will be over to visit soon:-) You didn’t see my post on Twitter did you? I had to change my settings. It is not as easy to break up with Twitter as one would think but I think I’ve finally done it. If not, I need a restraining order to keep Twitter away from my damn posts.


  5. Doug in Oakland
    December 20, 2017 at 8:59 pm

    We had black aphids in the back yard last year, but only on one particular kind of dandelion, the kind with the angular stems. The round-stemmed dandelions were fine. Briana went out there with a spray bottle full of some soap solution before Zsuzs brought her potted garden over when she moved, and I haven’t seen a aphid since.
    We did see a praying mantis out there last year. It was a strange tan color. I had never seen one before. It didn’t stay long, so apparently the aphids weren’t that interesting to it. Which sort of made sense, as the mantis was about three inches long and the aphids were so small you had to look really close at them to tell they weren’t a part of the dandelion…
    When I was a kid, we used to drive up to the snow to find a tree, which took all day because we weren’t the only ones looking.


    • December 20, 2017 at 11:33 pm

      Whoa=an albino aphid? That’s amazing. Once, when my oldest was 4 or 5 we were out walking in the field near our house. I looked down and noticed a praying mantis on her leg. Like an idiot, instead of swiping it off and then telling her, I pointed it out, whereupon she freaked out because praying mantises are creepy. She liked bugs in general and she was a courageous kid so I think I overestimated her ability to deal with the creepiness that is the mantis.


      • Doug in Oakland
        December 21, 2017 at 12:21 am

        They do eat spiders, though.


      • December 21, 2017 at 3:22 am

        Praying Mantises eat spiders? Paradigm shift for one, please.


  6. December 22, 2017 at 10:39 am

    Urgh. Looks like a candidate for a midwinter bonfire. Why not get a plastic tree which changes to different colours. Well it suits us 🙂


    • December 23, 2017 at 1:58 pm

      I’m with you, Jenny Woolf, but I was outvoted. Happens often, living with three guys.


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