It sure doesn’t look like Christmas. Our tree is lying in the garage (FYI, today I’m pronouncing garage with the emphasis on the first syllable and I don’t know why. Let’s just go with it.)
So yeah, it’s lying in the GA-rage, where it’s been since Sunday, probably infested with aphids and spiders and possibly hiding a bat in its branches, and yet BigB fully expects me to help him set up this wildlife refuge in our living room tonight. He expects me to make it cozy and warm. Do I look like bloody Martha Stewart? Just because I can decorate a mantle with fake deer does not mean I’m anxious to provide mood lighting for swarms of wild aphids. I mean, why don’t I make cocoa and knit them ugly Christmas sweaters, too, right? Then we can all watch, It’s A Wonderful Life, after which I’ll send them off to bed and fill all their tiny aphid stockings with whatever aphids eat. Pine sap, I assume. I guess that’s the way BigB envisions Christmas this year.
I’m sorry, BigB, but aphids belong outdoors where praying mantises can eat them. I do not want praying mantises to have to come into my house for dinner. They are creepy, number one, and I don’t believe they are praying at all. I think they are rubbing their creepy little hands together, excited by the thought of a wild aphid Christmas buffet. And another thing, why are all these things even alive? It’s December for Christ’s sake. Shouldn’t they all be dead by now? And if they are not dead, but they are close to dead, I sure as hell don’t want them dying in my living room. I don’t want dead things in there. That’s not festive.
All this Christmas tree trepidation is because I keep hearing about aphid infestations. I’ve had a live Christmas tree every year of my life and I have never heard of aphid infestations before this year. Why is that? Who is behind this pest-y propaganda? An advocacy organization for exterminators? The fake tree manufacturer’s association? Russia? I have to admit, my first thought was, “Guess it’s time to buy a fake tree”. I still feel that way, actually, but just in case it is the fake tree people using fear and disgust to turn a profit, I’m going to set up this damn tree and probably get eaten by aphids. But if I don’t get eaten by aphids, as soon as Christmas is over, I’m going to go buy one of those fake ones at 80% off.
I will not be manipulated (this year) by the greed of fake tree criminals. I will not fear the tree!
Guys. I’m totally terrified by this tree.