Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch: Ugly Holiday Sweaters

It’s not as though they don’t know they are ugly. They hang on their own rack, segregated from all the other clothes in the store, under a sign that says, “Ugly Holiday Sweaters $9.99 and up”. If the clothing industry had an advocacy organization it would be all over this because, clearly, it is a discriminatory retail practice. One wonders why they are kept segregated as such, doesn’t one?

The second week of December is the one week of the year that ugly holiday sweaters reign supreme in department stores everywhere. In December, young, attractive people who previously passed by, perhaps pointing and giggling, on their way to trendier, more neutral-colored clothing options, suddenly swarm the ugly sweater aisle. For one brief, shining period of time they are like those two kids on Glee who suddenly became super popular and dated football players.

You might think their feelings would be hurt or that they would feel some resentment towards all the ugly sweater shoppers but nothing could be further from the truth. They revel in the second week of December. They can’t wait to be worn in public. They can’t wait to be the center of attention. They preen and vie for the title, “Ugliest Ugly Sweater”. You see, the thing about ugly sweaters is that they’ve compensated for their lack of classic good looks with loud, over-sized personalities. Holiday sweaters are, in fact, the lamp shade wearers of the fashion world.

And that’s why they must be segregated. If you’ve got one of these sweaters hanging in your closet, I strongly suggest you move it at once. Give it its own drawer, put it in a bag and store it in the attic or, better yet, throw it in the trunk of your car. Just get it the hell away from the rest of your clothes or pay the price. If left to mingle with your everyday wardrobe, your entire closet will implode within a week’s time and your clothes won’t know what hit them. It’s not that ugly holiday sweaters are intentionally aggressive. It’s that they act like your drunk, overbearing uncle on New Year’s Eve all the time.

It will start with a nudge and a wink when your ugly sweater tries to make a move on a cute pair of cropped jeans, which happen to be going out with the big, burly Irish fisherman’s sweater. The fisherman’s sweater will be apoplectic and take a swing at the ugly holiday sweater. Naturally, it will miss, instead knocking a satin kimono off its hanger. The kimono will, in turn, karate kick the Irish sweater, knocking it into several cotton oxfords who, up until that point, were having a grand old time exchanging snide comments with the ugly holiday sweater, who, by this point, is laughing uproariously, which annoys the elderly leather jacket hanging behind it, who shoves the ugly sweater, causing it to fall off its hanger on top of the kimono, who karate kicks it into the shoes, where it becomes impaled on a carelessly positioned Louboutin stiletto, and then all hell will break loose, because that hurt, dammit, and this isn’t funny anymore. And if you thought a drunk ugly sweater was disruptive, you should see an enraged, drunk ugly sweater in action. It tears itself off the stiletto, thrashing about among the shoes, swipes at a low-hanging wrap dress, which wraps itself around the fisherman sweater, hanging on for dear life, which totally unhinges the cute cropped jeans, who happen to be a tiny bit psychotic, wouldn’t you know, and not in a fun way, and that, my Dears, will be the demise of your closet.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Chicken out







  11 comments for “Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch: Ugly Holiday Sweaters

  1. jenny_o
    December 23, 2017 at 6:29 pm

    LOL! Love it! And now we know The REST Of The Story . . . this makes it futile to even try to keep the closet tidy, doesn’t it?? Merry Christmas to you and yours, Chickie!


    • December 23, 2017 at 11:11 pm

      Thanks Jenny. You’re right. On second thought, perhaps we should leave them all together to fight it out:-) Merry Christmas to you and yours as well.


  2. Doug in Oakland
    December 23, 2017 at 7:13 pm

    My leather biker jacket used to menace my psychedelic tee shirts until they all left and all I have left for tee shirts are the black ones and one collared gray one that Briana got me…


    • December 23, 2017 at 11:16 pm

      Leather jackets think they’re so tough. One of these days, I’ll have to have a go at them. Sounds like your psychedelic t-shirts were convinced, though:-) It’s good to know black t-shirts don’t bow to bullies. Or gray collared ones either, apparently. Good on Briana. Do you have an ugly holiday sweater, Doug? I do. Just got it the other day. Had to go to a party that couldn’t be avoided. I’m going to give it away, though. It’s just too loud for this introverted chicken.


      • Doug in Oakland
        December 24, 2017 at 6:00 am

        Sort of. I have a dark one with thin stripes on it that is pretty much worn out from when we lived in the foundry building with no heat. I used to wear it over a tee shirt and with a purple hoodie over the top of it pretty much all winter long there.
        I have a really nice black one that Briana gave me a few months ago, though. I wore it for my walk today as it is what we call chilly now. Anyone from anywhere with real winters probably wouldn’t think it’s very cold, but the landlord said he saw frost on his windshield a couple of mornings ago…


      • December 24, 2017 at 12:36 pm

        Frost seems cold to me. I can’t imagine living without indoor heat, though. That would be hard. Is the Foundry building the one that burnt down? That was near you, wasn’t it? But you were not living there at the time, I don’t think?


      • Doug in Oakland
        December 24, 2017 at 7:37 pm

        There was a small fire there in November of 2015, but it didn’t burn down. It mostly gave Bayer, who wanted the land underneath it, an excuse to lean on the city and get our electricity cut off. It was still off when we moved out in February of 2016.
        As far as I know, the irascible old outlaw who owns it still hasn’t sold it to Bayer, out of spite as far as I can tell
        He really isn’t anyone to mess with.
        And no, it wasn’t the warehouse that got all of the news coverage when it burned, but that event did pretty much ensure that the foundry will never get electricity again.
        I’m conflicted about that, as it’s a horrible place to have to live.and getting out of there was a very, very good thing, but the people who were still living there when we left, for the most part had nowhere else to go.


  3. December 26, 2017 at 10:22 pm

    Ha ha! I have NO Christmas sweaters, ugly or otherwise. I did wear a red sweater dress to a Christmas party, but that’s as close as I’ll get.


  4. January 6, 2018 at 12:22 am

    Happy New Year, Chicken. Love your post –most uplifting in these strange times– and sure appreciate all the encouragement you’ve given me over the past year (and years). All best wishes.


    • January 6, 2018 at 8:22 pm

      Thank you Geo. Happy New Year to you also and thank you for the encouragement, as well. I think it’s going to be a good year.


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