Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch: Mean Clothes

Hi World,

You know what I hate about clothes?  They are nice to your face until you buy them and then they turn on you.

They make your ass look big behind your back.  They pretend to be blue to get you to buy them, but turn purple in the bag on the way home.  When you confront them,  they stare back at you, all innocent-like, “What?  Me?  Blue? Prove it, Bitch.”

Clothes also love to mess with your head by changing size.  That blouse looks great on you in the store but the minute you cut off the tags it will start its metamorphosis into the most ill-fitting garment Taiwan ever produced.   “Wait a second”, you’ll say,  “Why would I purposely buy a a shirt that somehow appears  to be camouflaging a watermelon, while simultaneously showing way too much  cleavage?  How did that happen?”

Because.  Mean Clothes.

Another trick that clothes find hilarious is the invisible stain/tear. At night, while you fall asleep, fantasizing about running into your secret crush while wearing your hot new dress, that same dress is giggling in the closet with its new friends.   Do you know what they are doing?  Drawing on each other with lipstick,   ripping out their threads, and growing sweat stains.   It’s true.  Don’t expect to catch them at it.  Clothes are sneakier than Santa Claus.

The meanest,  most two-faced  clothes in the universe are made from 100% cotton.  Cotton is the Gywneth Paltrow of fabrics.  Society Darling.  So wholesome looking.  If cotton  had teeth,  you can bet they’d be bigger than a Kennedy’s and overly whitened. Cotton seems to have it all, but it has a dark side. Cotton is moody. Seriously, Cotton should be heavily medicated.  One minute, it’s all granny panties, sweats, and your favorite t-shirt.  Next minute it’s a white dress shirt that gapes at your chest and rides  up your back,  or it’s a dress that looked good exactly once before it lost its shape.  Cotton secretly thinks that you are not good enough to wear it and wishes it was only available in Europe.

If Cotton is the alpha fabric, then Silk is her high-maintenance, neurotic best friend.  Silk is great as long as it’s getting its way.  Silk is the Glenn Close of  fabrics.  It will not be ignored. Do not think, for one second, that you can wear a silk gown to a gala event, and then throw it back in your closet like a cheap rayon slip. You will pay for that mistake with a whole closet full of clothes that smell like body odor. Compliments of Silk. Silk looks normal on the outside but,never forget, it was raised by worms.

There’s probably a new girl in your closet.  She’s called Spandex and she’s in your jeans.  She’s not actually new. She made some unfortunate style decisions in the 80’s and people talked bad about her.  She went into hiding for  awhile, but then she ran into Denim on the sale rack at Walmart one day, and they hit it off.  They’ve been together ever since.  You see them everywhere.  They might look like a classy pair, but give them a few drinks and things  go downhill fast.  They start fighting. Denim says something nasty.  Spandex gets upset and storms out, leaving the seat of your pants hanging somewhere just above your knees.  Call them the Liz Taylor and Richard Burton of clothing.

And that brings us to denim.  Denim is a sadistic a-hole bully most of the time.  Cotton is bad, but cotton is merely vapid.  It doesn’t mean to do the things it does,  it just has no filter. Denim knows better. Denim is streetwise, not to mention manipulative.  It enjoys showing off your butt crack, making your waist scream for mercy, and forcing your intestines to take up residence in your rib cage. It invented muffin top. If you ever expect to get along with Denim, you have to show it who’s boss.  Keep throwing it in your washing machine until it breaks.  This might seem mean,  but so is camel toe.

It is you or them.  If you take just one thing from this post,  please hear this:  Your clothes are nothing without you. You do not have to take their crap.  I heard about a safe house in NYC.  It’s called “What Not To Wear”. They can help.  Call their toll free line, and never be bullied by your clothes again.

Chicken out

Nice Girl.  Victim of Mean Clothes.